Life Lemons

What do you do when life gives you lemons? No, not lemons. When in a single moment your whole world feels like it is crashing down around you? That is more than lemons. Maybe the equivalent of life throwing a dozen or more bricks at you. What do you do when this happens?

Three days ago my life was relatively fine. I had complaints, we all have complaints, but overall my life was good. Then in a moment it all changed. It felt like someone had kicked a stool out from under me. My heart fell and my face was hot. In a single moment my life was no longer ok. Everything I thought I knew had suddenly changed. 

The last three days have been challenging. Extra challenging since I seem to have the flu too. Although, the flu symptoms may be physical manifestations of emotional turmoil. Regardless of the source, I have been physically and emotionally drained. I am usually quite guarded with my emotions and rarely cry in front of anyone. Yet, the last few days my tears have been free flowing and there doesn’t seem to be an end to it either. 

So what do you do when your heart is broken and you’re angry? Angry at God because at any moment He could have changed the outcome. Angry because He could have prevented a return, He could have changed hearts, and angry because He allowed a heart to love unconditionally just for it to end up hurt. I prayed so long for restoration and this month I finally felt close. Three days ago that prayer, that hope, were dashed to pieces. Smashed against a stone, along with my heart. 

I am struggling. My heart is heavy. Yet, I am reminded God has a plan greater than me or my plan. I am much too close to see God’s plan. All I can see is the storm. The storm rages around me and I must learn to find peace. To quiet my heart and to trust God to uphold His will, working everything for my good. Letting go isn’t easy. I want to take up my sword and fight, but it is not my battle to win. 

This is difficult to accept. Yet, how can I preach God’s plan or our need to wait if I don’t do that same when it is my time? All feels lost and I struggle to recognize hope. Yet, I know I need to do it this way. For once I need to let go and let God. Letting go is so hard, but I will do my best to document this journey. Perhaps, my mess can be God’s message. 

2018 is ending and 2019 is beginning. What are your struggles as you look forward to 2019? What are your blessings?