Hello October

Today is the first day of October and it really is the signaling of a new season. Yes, fall technically starts in September, but for me it truly begins in October. Today is the start of a new month, a new season, and the opportunity for a new beginning. 

The last few months Lessons has been silent. The truth is that I reached a point where I felt stuck. The content I was writing and posting felt the same each time. I had been waiting for so long and I had reached this seemingly next level, but then my life just stayed there. A relationship was improved upon, but the truth was I wasn't really any closer to restoration and that can be a frustrating feeling. Even now, after so much has happened, I am still stuck in that place of waiting. Waiting for answers, waiting for restoration, and waiting for guidance. I am in this place where I have waited for so long that I am not sure I can trust everything I have believed up to this point. This is not about my faith. I don't want anyone to think that I am doubting my faith or my belief in my Lord and Savior. The doubt I have is my perception of an answer given to me when I prayed and fasted from communication. I believed the answer was a promise of restoration, but after almost 10 months I am not confident in that belief. 

A couple of weeks ago I was in Atlanta and leading up to Atlanta I had allowed myself to believe that this trip would be the answer, the realization of the promise of restoration. Atlanta was a disaster. The trip upset the relationship that was improving and has cast doubt in my heart about the reality of restoration. Earlier this week I was thinking about this trip and was overcome with emotion. I found myself on the verge of tears over the tearing down of Turner Field, which was the reason we made the trip to Atlanta, and I couldn't figure out the reason for my overwhelming emotions. Then it hit me. I was upset, not in losing Turner Field, but in the realization that I was being asked to say goodbye to this relationship with the person I love. Saying goodbye is never easy and it becomes all the harder when you realized you missed your opportunity to make it meaningful. If I had realized that Atlanta was a goodbye then I would have behaved very differently. I would  have tried harder to swallow the hurts and keep my emotions in check so that the final goodbye wasn't bitterness. 

The opportunity has passed and now comes the phase of acceptance. I say acceptance, but I'm not sure I can truly ever accept that restoration in this relationship is over. Acceptance is made more difficult when the next day you awake from dreams of a restored relationship. The truth is I am confused, probably more so than ever before. I think, and certainly my brain agrees, that my perception of a promise was misconstrued and that restoration is out of the question, but my heart holds on to the promise of love. Understandably, I cannot think long on this conflict without becoming frustrated and this is where October comes in. 

I am intending to use October as a new month and a new opportunity. My focus is going to shift from restoration and promises of restoration to areas of my life that I can control. The goal is to get unstuck and to grow without the fear of losing something. I cannot control what happens, but maybe shifting my focus will finally give God the opportunity to work in the relationship. Obviously, I  hope that He will decide restoration is the best option for the relationship and I will be able to write a post of thanksgiving that my season of waiting is over. But there remains the possibility that He might continue our separation and our lives will continue to drift apart. Either way, I need to let go and do my best to give up control. There is a lot of change on the horizon and I am hoping this change in focus will be a source of new lessons that I can share with you. 

Please pray for me as I embark on this new journey. Please seek God's wisdom in my life and ask Him to guide me as I make decisions. Thank you for your support and your prayers. If I can pray for you please leave your prayer requests in the comments below. 

A Look Ahead

2016 is upon us and this is the year of new beginnings. Every year, usually on January 1st, human beings, from around the world, sit and reflect on the past year and then look ahead to the new year. The new year remains the promise of a better year, a better future, and the promise of a new beginning. The promise of the new year is that we can put the past year behind us and the new year will welcome us with open arms. I think there is this belief that the new year just has to be better and that we will automatically receive its blessings, even if we don't do anything to earn them. This is not reality and I think that most people realize this, even if they don't want to admit it. 

The new year is the promise of a new beginning, but its blessings are not guaranteed without effort on our part. So the question becomes, how do we achieve greater blessings in the new year? I have spent some time thinking about this and the answer seems to start with reflection. If the past is painful, and let's be honest it usually is, then I try not to spend a lot of time reflecting on it, after all thinking about it is only going to make me sad. This year I had no intention on reflecting on 2015, beyond what already was flowing into my thoughts, but then I came across a post for a 2015 and 2016 worksheet. This worksheet struck my curiosity and I felt compelled to try the worksheet. I am glad I tried the worksheet and I have some ideas of how I am going to incorporate the worksheet into a scrapbook, which I will share when I have finished it. 

The worksheet activity began with a reflection on 2015 and asked you to answer 6 questions: greatest lesson learned, hardest thing this year, my biggest accomplishment, how I was really helpful, favorite memory, my favorite book, and my favorite movie. These seemed like fairly basic questions, but the answers themselves were tricky and I was surprised at how much I had to think about some of the answers. This aspect of reflecting on the past year can be modified and include other questions, such as top disappointments, top blessings, game changers, and areas of focus. The point of the activity is just to reflect and I think including some of your favorites is a good way to put a positive spin on an otherwise difficult year. After you finish reflecting on 2015, you are encouraged to look ahead to 2016.

The worksheet activity for 2016 again asks you questions, this time 5: what I want to learn, one thing I want to be better at, I want to try, I want to change how I, and some goals for 2016. Of course there are other questions that you could add to this list, but I think these questions were really good at forcing you to think about what you wanted to accomplish this year. Asking yourself what you want to learn, what you want to be better at, and how you want to change are great catalysts for setting achievable goals in 2016. If I want to learn a new language then I know that I need to begin to learn a new language by taking a class at the community college or utilizing online learning resources. Thinking and writing about your goals for a new year gives you the foundation to begin to achieve your goals. This activity also shifts the responsibility from the universe onto you. If you want a better year and a better future then it is up to you to change it, to make 2016 into something wonderful for you.