Yesterday I prayed specifically for God's will in the outcome of the battle I am currently fighting and I prayed in the context of parameters, that I believed would help me better discern God's will. In this battle, it is possible that God and I desire different outcomes so I have to make certain God's answer is clear and not just an instinctive response to feelings and circumstances. Today, I received no answer and while there is still time in the parameters given, no answer seems to be a giant "NO!" to my desired victory. Last night, as I lay in bed attempting to meditate, I imagined I had received God's answer, but my brain knew the reality: my anxious heart was playing tricks on my tired brain and it was working!
This morning, when I woke up, this reality became clear and I was disappointed. I knew and yet I had managed to maintain hope, hope that was dashed at dawn. I had to remind myself that there was still time and that God's plans will always be greater and more beautiful than my disappointments. Focusing on God's plan hasn't been easy because even though I have taken a step back from the battle, my heart still remains in a quest for victory in this fight. Tomorrow might give me a "Yes!" to my victory, but I can't allow a "No" to derail me either. Tonight, I must turn my worry into worship and sit back to watch God turn my battles into blessings. For whether I continue this battle or resign it, I know God has blessings for my life and that as long as I am obedient to Him they are mine. "God, turn my worry into worship and allow me to focus on Your plan instead of my disappointment. Help me to see the beauty in waiting and put Your peace in my heart. Amen."
