Life Lemons

What do you do when life gives you lemons? No, not lemons. When in a single moment your whole world feels like it is crashing down around you? That is more than lemons. Maybe the equivalent of life throwing a dozen or more bricks at you. What do you do when this happens?

Three days ago my life was relatively fine. I had complaints, we all have complaints, but overall my life was good. Then in a moment it all changed. It felt like someone had kicked a stool out from under me. My heart fell and my face was hot. In a single moment my life was no longer ok. Everything I thought I knew had suddenly changed. 

The last three days have been challenging. Extra challenging since I seem to have the flu too. Although, the flu symptoms may be physical manifestations of emotional turmoil. Regardless of the source, I have been physically and emotionally drained. I am usually quite guarded with my emotions and rarely cry in front of anyone. Yet, the last few days my tears have been free flowing and there doesn’t seem to be an end to it either. 

So what do you do when your heart is broken and you’re angry? Angry at God because at any moment He could have changed the outcome. Angry because He could have prevented a return, He could have changed hearts, and angry because He allowed a heart to love unconditionally just for it to end up hurt. I prayed so long for restoration and this month I finally felt close. Three days ago that prayer, that hope, were dashed to pieces. Smashed against a stone, along with my heart. 

I am struggling. My heart is heavy. Yet, I am reminded God has a plan greater than me or my plan. I am much too close to see God’s plan. All I can see is the storm. The storm rages around me and I must learn to find peace. To quiet my heart and to trust God to uphold His will, working everything for my good. Letting go isn’t easy. I want to take up my sword and fight, but it is not my battle to win. 

This is difficult to accept. Yet, how can I preach God’s plan or our need to wait if I don’t do that same when it is my time? All feels lost and I struggle to recognize hope. Yet, I know I need to do it this way. For once I need to let go and let God. Letting go is so hard, but I will do my best to document this journey. Perhaps, my mess can be God’s message. 

2018 is ending and 2019 is beginning. What are your struggles as you look forward to 2019? What are your blessings? 

Let Go And Let God

It has been almost a month since my last post and I apologize for not keeping Lessons updated. My last post was about the meaning of no when given from God as an answer to our prayers. A month ago I was afraid and confused as I faced the prospect of a no to my prayer in the battle I had spent more than a year fighting. If God said no then my fight would have essentially been a waste of my time and I would also have to change my expectations for the future. I had every intention of being obedient to God's answer, but I was unsure of how exactly I would do that. Then, on the last day of my prayerful waiting, I received my answer: yes. Yes, to fighting the battle and yes, to victory in the battle. I was overcome with emotion and my heart was filled with gratitude. 

Those initial feelings of happiness faded and the reality of battle came over me. I knew that a yes did not mean the end to fighting the battle, but somehow my expectations had shifted to a yes being the immediate delivery of a victory and when that didn't happen I began to experience disappointment. I know that I shouldn't have felt disappointed or allowed those feelings to affect me the way they did, but I did and those feelings kept me from writing. I wanted to reveal how to go forward in battle after God had guaranteed a victory, but I felt like a fraud because I didn't have a clue. The last month I have studied the idea of Biblical battles and how we should respond in them, but I still don't feel I know what I am doing in my own battle. 

That's where I am today: uncertain of how to go forward or what is even unexpected of me. Yet, I have learned, or rather I have been reminded, that the battles we face are God's not ours to fight. Every scripture I have found points us to giving up control to God and turning our battles over to Him in prayer. Giving up control isn't a natural feeling, but the Bible reminds us that when God fights a battle that He doesn't lose. This should be encouraging to all of us and motivate us to give up control. 

The truth is that we aren't equipped to fight most of the battles we face. No amount of will power, healthy living choices, or medicine can defeat cancer every time. No amount of support or calming meditation can take away the sting of losing someone we love. No amount of money or hobbies to keep you distracted will overcome your desire for restoration in a treasured relationship. No amount of force or new weapon can end every battle or prevent war. We, as humans, aren't equipped to change the hearts of men, to cure diseases, to create everlasting life, to bring about peace, or to restore what has been broken. Every time we try we will fail because we weren't capable of doing it in the first place. 

But God can. Every battle we face God can win. There is nothing that we face that God can't fix and make right. In one moment God can change a projected defeat into an overwhelming victory. That is not to say that God will always bring us victory in a battle or that every prayer for a victory will be answered. God can do it, but He isn't a genie that grants our every desire, even if it is noble. If God didn't have a bigger picture in mind then I think He would be more inclined to bring us more victories  in the battles that we face, but because of the bigger picture He has to say no in order to bring about His will for the world. There is comfort in this truth. Whether God says yes, no, or maybe He is working it out for the good of all who love him. Our no might not be welcomed, but it may have helped someone else or protected us in the future. We might never fully understand, but we can rest in the comfort that God loves us. He loved us so much that He gave us His only son. If He gave us His son, what would He withhold from us? 

God has given me a yes to victory in the battle I face, but His yes did not come with a timeline. I have had to learn what it means to let go and let God. Giving up control is not easy, but I am well aware of the fact that I am not equipped to fight this battle on my own. This last month has presented challenges that I didn't expect, but I am learning and growing in my faith.