Thankful November

November has been busy, but has been a month full of blessings. The beginning of the month I spent time in Kansas with my family and took a reprieve from the busy life that comes with living in a city. I also celebrated the return of a friend from Africa. The rest of the month progressed rather quickly and not without its fair share of events. I spent time with the one I love and finally enjoyed some In N Out. I went to the movies and spent an afternoon relaxing in luxury seating. The month closed out with some much needed time off of work and time to finish up Christmas shopping. I have managed to go from zero ideas for Christmas gifts this year to having bought or ordered nearly all of them. Although Christmas is far more than gifts, it is nice to be able to have something to give other people. 

This month has been busy, but not without blessings. My intentions were to post regularly the blessings I experienced, but schedules are not always possible to keep. That said, I know I have much to be thankful for and I will continue to record my daily gratitude in my personal blessings log. If you struggle with sadness or bitterness then I encourage you to do the same. Every day you spend a few minutes and write a few things that you are grateful for and title them blessings. These items are things that you can remember when you are having a harder time with life. Your gratitude doesn't have to be large or elaborate and can be as simple as enjoying your favorite food. There are days when my heart was heavy and I struggled with gratitude, but then I realized that even the smallest aspects of our lives can contain blessings. Perhaps some may think I'm silly when I write that I am grateful for potstickers from my favorite Chinese restaurant, but in the experience my heart is filled with gratitude. The point of gratitude is that we are thankful for everything God gives us, both the little and the big, and to enjoy every moment of our lives. 

United We Stand: A Lesson In Politics

You will rarely see me choosing to discuss anything political or even sharing my political beliefs. That is because, simply put, I hate politics. I am not ashamed of my political beliefs, but rather I know that political discussions often dissolve into voices of hate or in the very least a lack of tolerance for other people's beliefs. I have lived long enough to know that each person is unique and even people of the same beliefs have different reasons for their beliefs. As a general policy I don't discuss politics, but I am breaking my silence today. 

The amount of discord in this country after the election last week is just shameful. Regardless of your political beliefs, each election some people get what they want and others don't. That is true of each election from the beginning of time. This fact should remind us that we are all different and that we aren't always going to agree, but disagreement is not a reason for destruction. I know people will argue about the popular vote vs. the electoral college and the fairness of the election process. Certainly there is something to be said about the process, but the process is what we have. If you are upset about the process then work to change the process rather than to demonstrate your frustration with self-destruction. 

Our American democracy is not perfect, far from it, but what process is? Nothing is perfect and no matter how upset we become it isn't going to be perfect. Again, regardless of our political beliefs, we all are going to experience feelings of frustration or unrest in the face of politics. The way I see it we can use our frustration to bring about positive change or we can self-destruct. The original founding fathers knew that united we stand, but divided we fall. Division in a house is the fastest way to make a house fall. Nothing illustrates this more than the Civil War. Our country was greatly divided and brothers fought brothers over their beliefs. The blood bath that ensued was awful and entirely unnecessary. I believe that some of the soldiers fought a war they didn't believe in because it was expected of them. Some people had the courage to stand up and fight for what they believed in despite everyone around them fighting against them, but as noble as we want to believe we are, most of the time we give in to the opinions of people around us. 

Let us not be divided on the outcome of the presidential election, but instead come together and stand up for what we believe in. Please don't stand up and voice your frustration in self-destruction, but rather stand up and demonstrate your beliefs that others might see and take you as example. Be a beacon of light to a world darkened by conflict. Stand up, continue to be kind regardless of the person or their beliefs, and demonstrate God's love to everyone. 

Even if you are in favor of what happened in the election, most likely you are not in favor of everything, and you have the opportunity to show Americans are able to come together, even in the face of disagreement. I know some people are thinking. "That's all fine and good, but how do you do it?" We are able to come together in the face of agreement and exact positive change by living a life that is reflective of the the life of Jesus. In Jesus' day Rome was in charge of His country and the Pharisees took advantage of Roman rule to distance themselves from the people. The bulk of the people were probably not in favor of the Romans or the Pharisees, but that was the life they lived in. Obviously, they didn't have a democracy, but I'm not sure it would matter if they did. The point is that the people had very little rights, their lives were not great, and they were surrounded by corruption. The people could have chosen to destroy their homes in response to their new rulers, but all that would accomplish is homelessness. I'm not sure what would have happened if Jesus hadn't come along, but because He did, we have an example of how to respond in the face of adversity. 

Jesus did not respond with violence because those who live by the sword die by the sword. Instead  He challenged the rulers of His day and through His words and actions demonstrated the way people should live. He was kind to everyone, not just those who were politically powerful or religiously clean. When Jesus looked at people He saw their hearts and their potential rather than their sin and their flaws. We can look at the people around us and see them as Jesus sees them, His children, whom He loved enough to die on a cross for. That means we need to look beyond their beliefs, beyond their gender, beyond their race, and beyond any other factors that might keep us from demonstrating God's love for them. 

I will readily agree that this isn't an easy task and that even when loving all of God's children, we should be cautious lest we fall victim to something awful. Yes, we are all God's children, but evil has possessed some to hurt others and cause unspeakable things to happen. We are responsible for ourselves and ought to live righteously in our relationships with others regardless of who they are. This can be done in little actions like holding a door open or larger actions like standing up to defend the rights of someone too small to fight for themselves. 

Jesus taught His disciples and His followers that they were responsible before God for their actions and these actions included their relationships with one another. He expected them to sacrifice and give up aspects of their life in order to help others. That was true whether the person was sick or hungry. He helped everyone and we ought to do the same. United we can stand together, preserve a country we love, and enact positive change through our actions.

Thankful November: The First Ten Days

I am thankful! Yes, I am very thankful even though I am behind in posting my gratitude. The last nine days I have been busy with work and getting ready for a long weekend in Kansas. I am in Kansas now and I have time to reflect on the blessings I have experienced over the last nine days. 

The first blessing is the return of my friend and coworker. Earlier this year she unexpectedly joined the peace corps and left for Africa in February. Everyone was heartbroken at work and we have missed her greatly. The first week of November I was in Starbucks and was thinking about how I needed to buy some more coffee to send to her. Later on that day I ran into her at work. My friend and coworker had just as unexpectedly returned from Africa. I am so incredibly grateful to have my friend back at work. 

The next blessing is waking up to the sunrise every morning. I don't particularly enjoy waking up early, especially when I first wake up and it is still dark, but seeing the sunrise makes waking up early  seem better. The recent time change has made waking up easier because the sun has just started rising  and it doesn't feel like I should still be sleeping. 

The last blessing is being in Kansas. I have wanted to take this trip to Kansas for awhile now, but it has never happened. Last month my dad told my grandpa that I was planning on coming and on my grandpa's birthday I looked up flights to Kansas. The flights were surprisingly affordable and I booked the flight immediately. Today I spent the day traveling from California to Kansas and I arrived just as the sun set. Kansas is so much different than California and I am enjoying the small town. I grew up in a small town and have watched as it has grown so much in the last few years. It is nice to be in a quiet town with little to no traffic. I am looking forward to the next few days of quiet rest that being in a small town brings. 

What are you thankful for? Leave your gratitude in the comments below as well as any prayer requests. 

Thankful November: The Plan

I can hardly believe that it is already November. This is harder to believe since I have yet to start planning anything for Christmas. There use to be a time when I was done with all of my Christmas shopping by October, but hardships in the last five years have transitioned me towards procrastinating Christmas shopping. I always intend to plan ahead and finish early, but that is happening less and less these days. All of this is really besides the point. The point is that I can't believe it is November already and that I want to take some time to appreciate all of my blessings before the craziness of December sets in. I will probably still post a few Christmas related posts this month, but the majority of my posts will be focused on gratitude. 

Every day I record three things I am grateful for in the list section on my phone and then transcribe those blessings onto a list on my computer, but this month I am going to spend some time each week writing about something I am grateful for. Whenever these things involve a person I am going to find a way to express my gratitude towards them because gratefulness is not expressed enough when it comes to the people in our lives. It might be something they did for me or just their general presence in my life, but I am going to find a way to express my gratitude. I encourage you to do the same. 

Last year I followed a 30-day prompt and wrote each day about something that I was grateful for, but it was a lot to keep up with and some of the days were not well thought out. By the end of the challenge I felt obligated to write on that topic and the purpose of gratitude was lost. A 30-day prompt is still something worth trying, but this year I am going to let the experience be more natural. I am going to spend an hour or so each week just meditating on all of my blessings and write about the one that stood out the most at the end of the hour. I will readily admit that some weeks the blessing is probably going to seem pretty trivial, but sometimes the littlest things are the biggest blessings. 

Leave a comment below if you are planning on doing the Thankful November and be sure to tell me some of the things you are thankful for in your own life. 

40-Day Detox: The Power of Prayer

I apologize that I didn't post an update sooner. I sat down to write this post, but honestly I didn't know what to say. Or how to express progress when it doesn't feel like any progress has been made. It has been 17 days since I started this journey, which means I am almost to the halfway mark and I thought I would have made more progress by this point. Not measuring up to expectations is never easy to deal with and can lead to disappointment. That is the point I was at when I sat down to write this update on Saturday and as a result I didn't post anything. My intention, when I sat down at my computer tonight, was not to write an update or even a post, but then I realized I had made progress.

Progress is not always measurable. Sometimes progress is just a slow increase in desired response and not something we even notice until it is complete. I had been measuring my progress by the results I could record and put on paper, but the results I wanted are not something that can be measured. Yes, I could measure my healthy eating habits and exercise, but the mental and spiritual progress I wanted is not something that can be measured. I know that I have not made progress on eating healthier or getting more exercise and that is an area I need to improve upon. But I have made progress in other areas. Tonight, as I sat down, I realized that I am happier than I was before this journey, I am learning to trust God more, and I am seeing spiritual truths happening in my life. 

I have always believed in the power of prayer, but during those times in my life when God seems silent, I know that my faith wavers. The last few weeks I have felt that God has been silent and I honestly didn't know what to think about my circumstances. I continued to pray, but I felt lost. In last week's post I reflected on my experience of honestly praying to God, in absolute silence, and having a wonderful experience of Him answering my prayers. He didn't answer immediately or directly, but when I received my answers, it was undeniable that it was God. Then last week I spent time in Max Lucado's devotional on the power of a simple prayer. My prayers last week were not necessarily short or simple, but they were heartfelt expressions of my circumstances that I decided to lay at God's feet. 

The strange thing is that after I prayed God again answered my prayers. Everything seemed to fall into place and my worries seemed to come to an end. Then a few days later everything fell apart and I honestly didn't know what to make of it. Suddenly, my answers were gone and I seemed to be back at square one. Again I prayed and I did my best to leave my concerns in that prayer, replacing worry with hope. Once again, my prayers were answered or at least mostly answered. Everything isn't solved by all means, but there are solutions in place and my concerns are being worked out. Prayer is powerful, but if we expect immediate results than chances are that we aren't going to see progress. We are going to imagine our prayers haven't been heard or aren't being answered and we are going to miss the little ways God has communicated with us along the way to our prayers being answered.

40-Day Detox: 6 Day Update

Last weekend I laid out my plan for "detoxing" my life and refocusing on God's will for me. My plan includes living a healthier lifestyle, becoming more active, limiting unnecessary world influence, and spending more time with God daily. I am now 6 days into the 40-day detox and there is a lot of room for improvement. I created a tracker to keep track of the progress I made, the intention being that I would use it daily, but I haven't filled it out at all, which is indication enough that I could use improvement. This week has been crazy. I have been rushing this week to finish a project while also studying like crazy for a test that I had to take for work. So while I have still been trying to keep up with the detox plan, I haven't been keeping up with tracking each day's progress. 

This week I have been successful in spending less time on YouTube or watching TV and spending more time with God. I completed a  5-day devotional plan on the topic "When God Could Have, But He Didn't" in addition to the Bible reading and devotional I normally do every day. I was not successful in living a healthier lifestyle or being more active each day. I am hoping to improve on these aspects of my detox plan as I move into the second week. In order to ensure improvement on living a healthier lifestyle, I am implementing changes today, which include planning a healthier grocery list. I already meal prep my lunches for work most weeks, but I have noticed that if I don't have a lot of variety it is harder for me to eat my lunch without buying something else. Buying your lunch daily is not necessarily a bad thing, but for me the only options are expensive and not that healthy. I am still planning my lunches for this week, but if you want to see what I meal prep for my lunches, leave a comment below letting me know. 

My overall impressions of this first week of "detox" is that I need a lot of improvement in reaching my daily goals if I hope to see any progress at the end of 40 days. I have noticed a lot of bitterness in my heart about my circumstances and that bitterness is creating an awful attitude. This is not the way I want to live my life and I have been struggling a lot with my attitude this week. My general approach was that God has a lot of work to do during the 40 day detox, but the reality is that I have a lot of work to do. This isn't God's problem, but mine and I need to put in effort to fix it and then God can do what I am unable to do. 

I made some progress yesterday during my 2 hour drive to take a test for work. The radio station I usually listen to went to static after 45 minutes of driving and I was left in silence the rest of the drive. I only like silence when I am trying to sleep so it was a difficult transition for me, but I used the time to just talk to God. I spilled my heart out to Him as I drove on the freeway and when I reached my destination, I received my answer of sorts. Of course, an answer after a long period of silence is confusing, but again I spent my time alone to pray about the meaning and this morning I woke to a devotional email on the topic that God is Faithful to Keep His Promises. Silence is a good thing because it gives us time with God and it gives Him the quiet time He needs to give us an answer. Yes, He can answer us in the loud, chaotic times of our lives, but no one wants to shout to be heard. 

These last 6 days have not been very successful for me, but my experience over the last few days has reminded me that I need to renew my commitment. I need to work hard to improve in these areas that I have identified as in need of "detox". Transformation is not going to happen overnight, but I hope that next week I am able to share improvement on my way toward a more God-focused life. How is your journey going? Let me known in the comments below.

40-Day Detox

Last weekend, on the first day of October, my intentions were good. I was planning on "detoxing" my life in an effort to regain focus. I even made a plan, but then I fell short. Isn't that always the story? The problem was I was struggling with the emotions I was feeling and ignoring them was only creating a bigger problem. Honestly, I am still struggling, but that is ok. I am going to attempt to process the depth of my emotions and experiences while also "detoxing" my life. I don't know what will happen, but I am willing to let go and trust God to make something of my mess. 

Over the last week I have made a plan, which I intend to implement over the next 40 days. I have never done anything like this before and I have no idea if it will have any impact on my life, but I am going to try it anyways. My "detox" plan has 4 aspects: health, body, mind, and spirit. Initially each aspect was going to be introduced for 10 days during the 40 days, but I decided that the greatest potential for benefit was if I implemented each aspect every day for 40 days. The first aspect is health and is basically just a commitment to eat healthier. I thought about the Daniel Plan, but I have a few deficiencies and I was not confident that I could meet my nutritional needs by only consuming the items on the list. I also wasn't comfortable suggesting a plan that I had never tried myself, especially considering that individuals have different health needs. The second aspect is body and the goal is movement. My goal is to get my body moving for at least 30 minutes every day; minus a rest day. Movement could be going on a walk or a run or it could be a full workout. I left it open because I have noticed that I have a hard time committing myself to one activity. The third aspect is mind and the goal is to limit our time with worldly influences. This might be limiting internet usage or decreasing time spent watching TV or some form of digital entertainment like Netflix or YouTube. The last aspect is spirit and the thought is that if we are limiting time with worldly influences that we are increasing time spent with the Spirit. This might be spending time reading the Bible, praying, meditating, or participating in a devotional. 

My "detox" plan is a series of goals, which I hope will have a positive aspect on my life. As I said before, I don't know how this will work because I have never done it before, but I am excited to try this for the next 40 days and see what happens. I will try to post weekly updates on my progress and include any tips that I learn along the way. I invite you to join me in this journey and to share your progress with me. Remember the goal is progress.

Hello October

Today is the first day of October and it really is the signaling of a new season. Yes, fall technically starts in September, but for me it truly begins in October. Today is the start of a new month, a new season, and the opportunity for a new beginning. 

The last few months Lessons has been silent. The truth is that I reached a point where I felt stuck. The content I was writing and posting felt the same each time. I had been waiting for so long and I had reached this seemingly next level, but then my life just stayed there. A relationship was improved upon, but the truth was I wasn't really any closer to restoration and that can be a frustrating feeling. Even now, after so much has happened, I am still stuck in that place of waiting. Waiting for answers, waiting for restoration, and waiting for guidance. I am in this place where I have waited for so long that I am not sure I can trust everything I have believed up to this point. This is not about my faith. I don't want anyone to think that I am doubting my faith or my belief in my Lord and Savior. The doubt I have is my perception of an answer given to me when I prayed and fasted from communication. I believed the answer was a promise of restoration, but after almost 10 months I am not confident in that belief. 

A couple of weeks ago I was in Atlanta and leading up to Atlanta I had allowed myself to believe that this trip would be the answer, the realization of the promise of restoration. Atlanta was a disaster. The trip upset the relationship that was improving and has cast doubt in my heart about the reality of restoration. Earlier this week I was thinking about this trip and was overcome with emotion. I found myself on the verge of tears over the tearing down of Turner Field, which was the reason we made the trip to Atlanta, and I couldn't figure out the reason for my overwhelming emotions. Then it hit me. I was upset, not in losing Turner Field, but in the realization that I was being asked to say goodbye to this relationship with the person I love. Saying goodbye is never easy and it becomes all the harder when you realized you missed your opportunity to make it meaningful. If I had realized that Atlanta was a goodbye then I would have behaved very differently. I would  have tried harder to swallow the hurts and keep my emotions in check so that the final goodbye wasn't bitterness. 

The opportunity has passed and now comes the phase of acceptance. I say acceptance, but I'm not sure I can truly ever accept that restoration in this relationship is over. Acceptance is made more difficult when the next day you awake from dreams of a restored relationship. The truth is I am confused, probably more so than ever before. I think, and certainly my brain agrees, that my perception of a promise was misconstrued and that restoration is out of the question, but my heart holds on to the promise of love. Understandably, I cannot think long on this conflict without becoming frustrated and this is where October comes in. 

I am intending to use October as a new month and a new opportunity. My focus is going to shift from restoration and promises of restoration to areas of my life that I can control. The goal is to get unstuck and to grow without the fear of losing something. I cannot control what happens, but maybe shifting my focus will finally give God the opportunity to work in the relationship. Obviously, I  hope that He will decide restoration is the best option for the relationship and I will be able to write a post of thanksgiving that my season of waiting is over. But there remains the possibility that He might continue our separation and our lives will continue to drift apart. Either way, I need to let go and do my best to give up control. There is a lot of change on the horizon and I am hoping this change in focus will be a source of new lessons that I can share with you. 

Please pray for me as I embark on this new journey. Please seek God's wisdom in my life and ask Him to guide me as I make decisions. Thank you for your support and your prayers. If I can pray for you please leave your prayer requests in the comments below. 

Prayer Request

Tonight my cousin was in a bad car accident in Hawaii. She has been medi-flighted to a hospital and is going into emergency surgery to remove her spleen. I ask that all readers would put my cousin in your prayers. Thank you.

Lent

I apologize I am so late in writing this post on Lent. My intention was to write an introduction post to Lent on Ash Wednesday, February 10th, but that didn't happen. We are already 2 weeks into the season of Lent and my idea for the original post is now outdated, but I hope that my thoughts on Lent can help inspire you during your season of Lent.

Lent is a season of giving up and of conscious sacrifice in the 40 days (Sundays excluded) before Easter. Growing up I never participated in Lent and I honestly didn't understand the practice. I knew lots of people who did, but I personally couldn't get behind the idea. Then a few years ago I was introduced to this idea of Reverse Lent. Reverse Lent is a sacrifice of time and energy in the completion of service to Jesus. This might be spending a few minutes each day to thank someone for their presence in your life or to just encourage them in their faith or it might be a physical act of service. The last few years I have used my time and my gifts to work towards blessing others. Specifically, I have spent Lent crocheting blankets for specific organizations. The first year it was for Oliviana's Closet, the second year it was for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, and this year it is for Project Linus. Reverse Lent made more sense to me and felt of greater use to the Kingdom then giving up chocolate or something else. 

Then this year, prior to the start of Lent, insight into Lent came upon me and gave me understanding. I was reading a daily devotional, one that I had received in an email, about Jesus's fasting and temptation in the desert. It was while reading this devotional that I realized we give up something during the season of Lent so that we can experience temptation the way Jesus did. Yes, temptation is present in our lives everyday, regardless of whether we give up something or not, but we experience the greatest amount of temptation when we give up something we really want. Jesus fasted for 40 days and then was tempted. If He hadn't fasted then He would have been tempted to turn a rock into bread. In essence, if He didn't give something up then He wouldn't have experienced temptation. The purpose of Lent is not that we would be tempted, but that in being tempted, we would not succumb to temptation. Lent is a season of relying on God for what we need, a period of growing closer to Him, and a celebration of victory over temptation. The idea is that if we could overcome this temptation then we could overcome any temptation. Lent is a conscious time of practice and learning about and overcoming temptation. It prepares us for those times of unexpected temptation that will arrive in other areas of our lives. 

My views and practices of Lent have changed this year. My season of Lent exists in 3 parts: I am reading through the gospels, I am setting aside time daily to work on the blankets for Project Linus, and I am resisting the urge to fight my battle on my own. My pastor had challenged my church to read through the gospels before Easter in an effort to remind us that man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from God. I accepted his challenge because Lent should be a period of growing closer to God and depending on Him for our substance. I am making a conscious effort to use my gifts to be of service to God. This should be a regular practice, but I have noticed that if it isn't conscious then it can be easy to make excuses and engage in other activities. Finally, I prayed to God before Lent and asked Him to impress upon my heart anything that He might want me to give up during Lent. There was only one thing that continually came to mind throughout this time of prayer. If you have read any of my posts from this year then you know that I have been fighting a battle. This battle is figurative, but nevertheless challenging. Throughout this time I have been struggling with trying to be patient and let God fight the battle for me. I know what I should do, but there have still been times when I have been tempted to take matters into my own hands and it backfired miserably. Because of this, I believe God impressed it upon my heart to not take matters into my own hands and to rely on Him to fight for me. 

The aspects of my Lent aren't traditional, especially the last part, but together these different parts are working in my life. Reading through the gospels has served as a refresher course for me and has reminded me to live a life more like the life Jesus would want me to live. There is also this idea that I should know the word of God more intimately and that in knowing I will have understanding and in understanding it will be easier to live out. Working on the blankets for Project Linus has been a reminder of how fortunate I am and an encouraging conviction to help those that have less. Choosing different organizations forces me to learn about different groups of people in need. I have been most blessed by the last aspect of my Lent. The last 2 weeks I have trusted God, I have resisted the temptation to get involved, and He has blessed me immensely. In giving up control, I didn't lose anything, but instead experienced God's presence in every interaction. I was able to recognize His answers to my prayers or unvoiced areas of concern and to see how He was working in the life of someone I love. It has been a wonderful experience. 

That said, I haven't been 100% faithful to this experience. A few days ago, I did intervene and attempt to take control. I did it because I needed an answer and that answer was time sensitive, but I was too impatient to wait to see how God would answer my concern. Because of my impatience, I robbed myself of the opportunity to see God provide and to experience His ultimate blessing. Yet, I think this is an important lesson. There will be times when we fail and in failing we miss an experience with God, but even when we fail God doesn't leave us. He is right there waiting for us to come back to Him and to experience His blessing again. I will never know what might have happened if I hadn't intervened or how I would have experienced God in that moment. I can't get that moment back, but I can learn from it. There is plenty of temptation to intervene and attempt to take control in this battle, but I am learning and I am choosing to step back, allowing God to step in and fight for me. I don't know what is going to happen, but I know that at the end of this Lent season I am going to have experienced God in new ways and that is worth the sacrifice. 

Let Go And Let God

It has been almost a month since my last post and I apologize for not keeping Lessons updated. My last post was about the meaning of no when given from God as an answer to our prayers. A month ago I was afraid and confused as I faced the prospect of a no to my prayer in the battle I had spent more than a year fighting. If God said no then my fight would have essentially been a waste of my time and I would also have to change my expectations for the future. I had every intention of being obedient to God's answer, but I was unsure of how exactly I would do that. Then, on the last day of my prayerful waiting, I received my answer: yes. Yes, to fighting the battle and yes, to victory in the battle. I was overcome with emotion and my heart was filled with gratitude. 

Those initial feelings of happiness faded and the reality of battle came over me. I knew that a yes did not mean the end to fighting the battle, but somehow my expectations had shifted to a yes being the immediate delivery of a victory and when that didn't happen I began to experience disappointment. I know that I shouldn't have felt disappointed or allowed those feelings to affect me the way they did, but I did and those feelings kept me from writing. I wanted to reveal how to go forward in battle after God had guaranteed a victory, but I felt like a fraud because I didn't have a clue. The last month I have studied the idea of Biblical battles and how we should respond in them, but I still don't feel I know what I am doing in my own battle. 

That's where I am today: uncertain of how to go forward or what is even unexpected of me. Yet, I have learned, or rather I have been reminded, that the battles we face are God's not ours to fight. Every scripture I have found points us to giving up control to God and turning our battles over to Him in prayer. Giving up control isn't a natural feeling, but the Bible reminds us that when God fights a battle that He doesn't lose. This should be encouraging to all of us and motivate us to give up control. 

The truth is that we aren't equipped to fight most of the battles we face. No amount of will power, healthy living choices, or medicine can defeat cancer every time. No amount of support or calming meditation can take away the sting of losing someone we love. No amount of money or hobbies to keep you distracted will overcome your desire for restoration in a treasured relationship. No amount of force or new weapon can end every battle or prevent war. We, as humans, aren't equipped to change the hearts of men, to cure diseases, to create everlasting life, to bring about peace, or to restore what has been broken. Every time we try we will fail because we weren't capable of doing it in the first place. 

But God can. Every battle we face God can win. There is nothing that we face that God can't fix and make right. In one moment God can change a projected defeat into an overwhelming victory. That is not to say that God will always bring us victory in a battle or that every prayer for a victory will be answered. God can do it, but He isn't a genie that grants our every desire, even if it is noble. If God didn't have a bigger picture in mind then I think He would be more inclined to bring us more victories  in the battles that we face, but because of the bigger picture He has to say no in order to bring about His will for the world. There is comfort in this truth. Whether God says yes, no, or maybe He is working it out for the good of all who love him. Our no might not be welcomed, but it may have helped someone else or protected us in the future. We might never fully understand, but we can rest in the comfort that God loves us. He loved us so much that He gave us His only son. If He gave us His son, what would He withhold from us? 

God has given me a yes to victory in the battle I face, but His yes did not come with a timeline. I have had to learn what it means to let go and let God. Giving up control is not easy, but I am well aware of the fact that I am not equipped to fight this battle on my own. This last month has presented challenges that I didn't expect, but I am learning and growing in my faith. 

When God Says No

This week has been challenging for me and with a disappointed heart I found myself unable to write. A week ago I challenged myself to pray my own advice, seeking God's will in the outcome of the battle I was in, and I added parameters to hold myself accountable to His answer. As soon as I prayed this prayer I was filled with anxious thoughts and I felt certain I had made a mistake. Praying isn't a mistake, but in praying specifically I had opened myself up to confronting God's will, potentially in opposition to my own. If this battle weren't important to me then this prayer would have been easy, but this battle came from the recesses of my heart. The only thing I desired was God's yes in my participation in this battle and ultimately my victory in this battle. 

Unfortunately, every day this week I woke and went to bed filled with disappointment. I continued to pray, but the context of my prayers had shifted. I couldn't pray to change God's mind and I couldn't pray for the victory I desired because I needed to be open to God's will for this battle. I needed to pray, but I felt restricted and instead I prayed for the people involved in this battle. I prayed repeatedly for their well being and my own well being. The closer I came to the end of the time, given by the parameters of the original prayer, the more I prayed for my strength and understanding in the inevitable no that I was facing. This wasn't easy because I wanted to pray specifically for what my heart most desired, but I exercised control and prayed differently as I waited for God's answer. 

It was during this time that I came to understand exactly what it meant when God said no. This week I have been facing God's no and I really couldn't understand the purpose, but then I realized that in a no there are two possibilities. First, God is telling us no because He has something better for us or is preventing us from harm. If there is someone in our lives that has the potential to harm us then God is protecting us when He says no and removes them from our lives. Often this type of no is given in the context of a child, who desperately wants their toy fixed, but is afraid to let the toy go. It is only when the child lets the toy go that the toy is either repaired or the child is given a new toy, either way the outcome is better for the child. Personally, this type of no is difficult for me to accept because I like to believe that I know what is best for me and that what I desire is the best there is. This is faulty thinking since God is the only one capable of knowing what is best for each of us. 

The second type of no is much easier to imagine and accept because it is more of a not now rather than a no. This second no is the product of spiritual warfare over the outcome of our prayer. Satan is fighting on one side, his ultimate goal is to destroy you, and God is fighting on the other side, His ultimate goal is to prosper you. As you are waiting, assuming the answer is no, there is a battle happening over your answer and it is the battle itself that delays your answer. If this is your no then you can rest in the comfort that God is fighting your battle for you and the victory has been won. Again, this is not really a no and more of a not now, but because it feels like a no I think it is important to reference it when it feels God is telling you no.

When God is saying no, He is either promising something better or making us wait while He is fighting for us. Our response to God's no is important because it sets the stage for our future blessings. Until we are able to see His answer clearly, we are unable to distinguish a "No, I have something better for you," from "Not now, I am fighting for you," and must treat the answer given us as a no and respond accordingly. This week I was in this place, somewhere between a no and a not now, and I was disappointed. I wanted to ignore God's answer and to continue the battle as if nothing had happened, but I knew that would be foolish on my part because disobedience delays blessings. In the midst of my struggles, I prayed for strength and for wisdom. I prayed, giving full vent to everything I was feeling, and then made the decision to find a way to be obedient to God. I still had time in my given parameters and I would use this time to grieve, but that at the end, if the answer was still no, that I would move forward obedient to God. That was my prayer and if you are facing a no then I pray that you pray a similar prayer because God will give you understanding and will help you see why He is saying no. 

Waiting In The Battle

Yesterday I prayed specifically for God's will in the outcome of the battle I am currently fighting and I prayed in the context of parameters, that I believed would help me better discern God's will. In this battle, it is possible that God and I desire different outcomes so I have to make certain God's answer is clear and not just an instinctive response to feelings and circumstances. Today, I received no answer and while there is still time in the parameters given, no answer seems to be a giant "NO!" to my desired victory. Last night, as I lay in bed attempting to meditate, I imagined I had received God's answer, but my brain knew the reality: my anxious heart was playing tricks on my tired brain and it was working!

This morning, when I woke up, this reality became clear and I was disappointed. I knew and yet I had managed to maintain hope, hope that was dashed at dawn. I had to remind myself that there was still time and that God's plans will always be greater and more beautiful than my disappointments. Focusing on God's plan hasn't been easy because even though I have taken a step back from the battle, my heart still remains in  a quest for victory in this fight. Tomorrow might give me a "Yes!" to my victory, but I can't allow a "No" to derail me either. Tonight, I must turn my worry into worship and sit back to watch God turn my battles into blessings. For whether I continue this battle or resign it, I know God has blessings for my life and that as long as I am obedient to Him they are mine. "God, turn my worry into worship and allow me to focus on Your plan instead of my disappointment. Help me to see the beauty in waiting and put Your peace in my heart. Amen."

Take Your Own Advice

"Lord, if it's not Your will, let it slip through my grasp and give me the peace not to worry about it. Amen." 

Tonight, I repeat this prayer and rejoice in the quiet determination to listen to God's will. The lesson from yesterday left me convicted as I realized I hadn't honored my own advice. I am in a battle right now, a battle I have fought for nearly a year, and I have only prayed for my desired victory and not God's will for a victory. As much as I want our victories to be the same, I have to admit there is a possibility that they are not. I try to be attuned to God's will in my life, but I am also stubborn, wanting what I want. Today, I attempted to take my own advice and it was hard: I spent all day trying to pray.

My heart didn't want to pray that prayer and I fought all day to utter the words I needed to pray. Finally, I prayed and finally managed to ask God for His will in this battle: Do I continue to fight or do I give up? To give up would be to admit that I was fighting a battle God didn't want me in. It would also mean that I had wasted a year fighting when I could have been receiving His blessings instead. I also prayed in the context of parameters, something else I didn't want to do. Parameters meant the possibility of a much sooner disappointment if my intended victory was not God's will. My heart hated to do it, but I felt I needed the certainty and if God's will was different then I could end the battle a lot sooner than anticipated. My parameters were not the conclusion of the battle, but rather an indication of God's will. 

At the conclusion of my prayer, there resided in me the quiet determination to listen to God's will, whatever that might mean for my life. If we want to be successful in battle then we need to make sure the battle is actually God's will for us. 

God-Ordained Goals

Today I discovered this quote, "If you saw the size of the blessing coming, you would understand the magnitude of the battle you are fighting!" It can be so easy to be caught up in the battle that we forget what we are fighting for. Maybe we have fought so long that we are only fighting to survive. I can understand because I am fighting my own fight, a fight that seems to have lasted for years, with the only thing changing the person. You see sometimes we get caught up in the fighting that we begin to fight for temporary relief instead of the cure that we need. I was thinking about this when I came across something else: an article from FaithGateway about setting God-ordained goals.

After reading this article, my thoughts drifted to goals I wanted to achieve this year, as well as who I wanted to achieve them with, and I know that to achieve the second aspect of this goal I would need God's help. The article suggested that all goals should start and end with God, hence the name God-ordained goals. We can do this through prayer. I have taken one goal tonight and circled that goal in prayer. I told God what I wanted and what I hoped to achieve in this goal. I then asked Him two questions pertaining to this goal: Is it Your will for me to do this this year? AND Is it Your will for me to do this with this person this year? I asked specific questions because I wanted specific answers. I also prayed that if His will was yes, but different from what I had planned that He would show this to me. I finished by meditating on Philippians 4:6-7, "To pray is to let go and let God take over."

I think setting God-ordained goals is important because it shifts our goal outlook back to God. This is particularly important when we feel we are entrenched in the battle. In the middle of a fight, a battle that won't end, I think we should set a goal: at the end of this, I want to have/experience/grow. Then you should take this goal to God and see what His will is for this. Your goal might be a life with someone, but God's will might be for someone else to come into your life. Pray and tell God your goal for this battle, but then ask Him if that is His will for you and make sure you listen to His answer. 

If we aren't careful to continually go to God in prayer, especially in the heat of an intense battle, we can find ourselves fighting for temporary relief instead of the cure that God wants for us. I think this is especially true in relationships: we fight so hard for a person because we want them to fulfill our status (marriage, kids, family, etc.), but we end up missing God's will for that status. The goal shouldn't be this person (there are some exceptions to this, i.e. if you are married to this person), but rather seeking God's will in bringing the person He wants into your life. 

Yes, it means relinquishing control, but the reality is that the end result was never yours to decide and following God's will will lead you out of the battle and into the blessing. Set goals, even ones that seem impossible, and circle them in prayer, being sure that your goals align with God's will. Then you will begin to see the potential for the size of the blessing at the end of every battle. 

A Look Ahead

2016 is upon us and this is the year of new beginnings. Every year, usually on January 1st, human beings, from around the world, sit and reflect on the past year and then look ahead to the new year. The new year remains the promise of a better year, a better future, and the promise of a new beginning. The promise of the new year is that we can put the past year behind us and the new year will welcome us with open arms. I think there is this belief that the new year just has to be better and that we will automatically receive its blessings, even if we don't do anything to earn them. This is not reality and I think that most people realize this, even if they don't want to admit it. 

The new year is the promise of a new beginning, but its blessings are not guaranteed without effort on our part. So the question becomes, how do we achieve greater blessings in the new year? I have spent some time thinking about this and the answer seems to start with reflection. If the past is painful, and let's be honest it usually is, then I try not to spend a lot of time reflecting on it, after all thinking about it is only going to make me sad. This year I had no intention on reflecting on 2015, beyond what already was flowing into my thoughts, but then I came across a post for a 2015 and 2016 worksheet. This worksheet struck my curiosity and I felt compelled to try the worksheet. I am glad I tried the worksheet and I have some ideas of how I am going to incorporate the worksheet into a scrapbook, which I will share when I have finished it. 

The worksheet activity began with a reflection on 2015 and asked you to answer 6 questions: greatest lesson learned, hardest thing this year, my biggest accomplishment, how I was really helpful, favorite memory, my favorite book, and my favorite movie. These seemed like fairly basic questions, but the answers themselves were tricky and I was surprised at how much I had to think about some of the answers. This aspect of reflecting on the past year can be modified and include other questions, such as top disappointments, top blessings, game changers, and areas of focus. The point of the activity is just to reflect and I think including some of your favorites is a good way to put a positive spin on an otherwise difficult year. After you finish reflecting on 2015, you are encouraged to look ahead to 2016.

The worksheet activity for 2016 again asks you questions, this time 5: what I want to learn, one thing I want to be better at, I want to try, I want to change how I, and some goals for 2016. Of course there are other questions that you could add to this list, but I think these questions were really good at forcing you to think about what you wanted to accomplish this year. Asking yourself what you want to learn, what you want to be better at, and how you want to change are great catalysts for setting achievable goals in 2016. If I want to learn a new language then I know that I need to begin to learn a new language by taking a class at the community college or utilizing online learning resources. Thinking and writing about your goals for a new year gives you the foundation to begin to achieve your goals. This activity also shifts the responsibility from the universe onto you. If you want a better year and a better future then it is up to you to change it, to make 2016 into something wonderful for you.