True Motives

Motives are interesting. Today, reflecting on this past weekend and week, I realized 3 areas where my motives were unpure. At the time I acted and did what I intended to do, without giving my motives much thought, but looking back and talking about it I realized my true motives. My true motives were wrong and selfish. Today I had repenting to do and needed to take a long look at what I had allowed circumstances to shape me into. I am not proud of my actions or my motives. I have let hurt shape my actions more than I have let love shape my heart. 

I looked at myself today and I didn't see me. I don't do the things I have done and yet somehow I had convinced myself it was ok, even justified. Recent months of hurt, of heartache, of confusion, and of frustration have begun to corrupt my heart. I don't like who I am becoming and this is not how I want to obtain my heart's desires. Self-reflection has proved valuable today. 

God's Will

Today has been confusing and put a lot of weight on my heart. I woke up with the intent of sharing good news and rejoicing together in my success. The joy was short lived when I was made to feel guilty about my success and circumstances outside my control. Everyone seems to miss when something is unfair to you and only remember when it is unfair to them. I just wanted to be happy that a 9 year burden had been lifted off of my chest and that new possibilities were on the horizon. Instead I felt guilty for my success. 

It didn't help that I was already feeling down because circumstances prevented me from enjoying a favorite event of my youth. There were so many photos from today and I was filled with a longing to be present, but I knew I couldn't be. Yesterday was an eye opener and I need to be responsible for my feelings. Going to the event would have been inviting trouble for myself. I know it would open me up to feeling those feelings again and I don't want to go back to that dark space of anger.

I though about my feelings a lot today and couldn't align what I was feeling with God's direction for how to live our lives. It was confusing. I thought again about being a stubborn child who refuses to hear "no" and won't let go. My heart weighed heavy in my chest. I didn't know how to make sense of any of it. Then I tuned into a sermon on God's Will. It was the first sermon in the series and the focus was how you won't hear God's will: you won't hear God's will in your feelings, in the advice given you, in your culture, or in your circumstances. 

While the pastor repeated "God's will," I think it is important to make the distinction between how God wants us to live and how the things that happen (the good, the bad, the mistakes, the accidents, etc.) work together for our good. The Bible provides instructions on how we are suppose to live while everything working together for our good is one of God's truths that we live out. His will would be the Bible and His plans how everything works out. I think it is time I turn my focus to His will. 

Tears, Fear, and Prayers

Last night was wonderful, which is why today has been so confusing. Restoration seemed not only possible, but inevitable and I became afraid. Suddenly, I had something to lose again and not talking about where we were or what we wanted left me unsure of what had happened. Today, I was very emotional and I cried a lot because of fear. I remembered last night, the last 24 hours of praying continuously, and watching my prayers being answered in unexpected ways.

In my tears and my fear, I prayed and I prayed some more. I wanted instant results, I was very sad, but God's timing is perfect and I continued to pray and wait. It took all day and into the evening before I saw my prayers answered. Nothing happened specifically, but casual conversation reassured me. I know God is teaching me to wait, to be patient, and to relay on Him for answers to my prayers. Today has shown me what I need and I am learning to trust God more and more. His plan for me is perfect and better than I could ever imagine. 

Confusion

Last night I didn't sleep much again, I hope this isn't turning into a trend, plagued by dreams of the one I love. Ordinarily dreams of him would be comforting, reassuring, but last night the dreams I had were awful, even nightmarish. I woke up longing for his comfort and protection, but I was all alone. My heart ached and I prayed. All day I waited for that prayer to be answered, but if there was an answer given I missed it. Tonight, I'm sad, filled with an intense longing and questioning how I should be feeling.

Love is unconditional: it believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things (1 Corinthians 13). I believe this, I practice this, and yet I'm questioning if I'm doing what I'm suppose to or just being stubborn. Today I am wondering if I'm being a stubborn child refusing to accept the Father's "No." If I am refusing to accept God's plans then I am delaying fulfillment, I am delaying God's blessings, and putting off the inevitable, which only brings pain. I don't want to be stubborn, but I can't escape the reality of unconditional love. I am reminded of the Prodigal Son. His father probably prayed every day for his son's return and everyday without an answer probably felt like God was saying, "No!" I don't know how the father took the waiting, I don't know if he ever gave up, but I know there was so much joy in the return. 

The father had to wait for the prodigal son, he didn't know if or when his son would come back, and yet it seems he was there waiting. Tonight I don't know if that is what I am suppose to do. Do I wait or do I let go? I do both. I pray and I patiently wait for an answer, for restoration, for the next step. I pray and turn it all over to God. He has the control, not me, and let's be honest He is way more qualified. It is ok to not have the answers. God does.

When you're in a place of confusion and you don't know what to do, do nothing. Well not nothing. Pray. Pray, giving it all to God, and wait for His solution, His wisdom, or whatever else it is you need. God knows exactly what you need and how to answer your need according to His plan. Confusion is part of being human so just pray, let go, and wait. It's in God's hands.