Memories

I don't know what to say. Today, I have been sad. Not in tears, not lying in bed, but just beneath everything I felt sadness. There wasn't any reason, as in nothing had happened, but the sadness was still there. Before I get comments about depression or referrals for anti-depressants, I am not depressed. The sadness I feel today is a longing for the one I love, remembering so many wonderful memories, and a desire for restoration. There is also this intense need to get away, away from the places we shared, and just be somewhere else. I want to be far away this minute and yet I have responsibilities that keep me here. I dream of travel, of seeing new places, and meeting new people. My fear of loneliness when I travel alone can't stop me. I must face my fear and accommodate traveling alone. If only because I need to get away. I need change and moving doesn't seem an option. 

I share these moments because I never want anyone to feel ashamed when they experience feelings of sadness. Sadness will happen in each of our lives, but sadness isn't a place we have to stay in. When I feel sad, I pray and I give it all over to God. I can't change the circumstances I am in, but I can pray and God can change the situation. He can either change the circumstances I am in or change my perception of these circumstances. When you feel sad, do not be ashamed, for sadness is a temporary state that can change the moment you begin to pray.

Confusion

Last night I didn't sleep much again, I hope this isn't turning into a trend, plagued by dreams of the one I love. Ordinarily dreams of him would be comforting, reassuring, but last night the dreams I had were awful, even nightmarish. I woke up longing for his comfort and protection, but I was all alone. My heart ached and I prayed. All day I waited for that prayer to be answered, but if there was an answer given I missed it. Tonight, I'm sad, filled with an intense longing and questioning how I should be feeling.

Love is unconditional: it believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things (1 Corinthians 13). I believe this, I practice this, and yet I'm questioning if I'm doing what I'm suppose to or just being stubborn. Today I am wondering if I'm being a stubborn child refusing to accept the Father's "No." If I am refusing to accept God's plans then I am delaying fulfillment, I am delaying God's blessings, and putting off the inevitable, which only brings pain. I don't want to be stubborn, but I can't escape the reality of unconditional love. I am reminded of the Prodigal Son. His father probably prayed every day for his son's return and everyday without an answer probably felt like God was saying, "No!" I don't know how the father took the waiting, I don't know if he ever gave up, but I know there was so much joy in the return. 

The father had to wait for the prodigal son, he didn't know if or when his son would come back, and yet it seems he was there waiting. Tonight I don't know if that is what I am suppose to do. Do I wait or do I let go? I do both. I pray and I patiently wait for an answer, for restoration, for the next step. I pray and turn it all over to God. He has the control, not me, and let's be honest He is way more qualified. It is ok to not have the answers. God does.

When you're in a place of confusion and you don't know what to do, do nothing. Well not nothing. Pray. Pray, giving it all to God, and wait for His solution, His wisdom, or whatever else it is you need. God knows exactly what you need and how to answer your need according to His plan. Confusion is part of being human so just pray, let go, and wait. It's in God's hands.

Death and Longing

Following Jesus on His journey during the last week of His life has been incredibly interesting. I already knew what had happened and could probably have even provided a fairly accurate description of each day, but researching His last week has made me feel I was on this journey with Him. I know what has happened since His death, but as I took this journey I experienced real emotions of sadness. Here, this man who had only loved and served others, was condemned, persecuted, and crucified. If anyone didn't deserve death, it was Jesus, yet it was Him that was nailed to that cross. There is this undeniable feeling that what happened on the cross was unfair, both in past and in current circumstances, but Jesus didn't care. He allowed Himself to be denied, to be nailed to a cross, and to die on a cross for us, all of us. Incredible sacrifice and love is being shown for us in this moment.

If I had been there with Jesus, if I had been one of His disciples, I would have been so grieved today. I would have known what Jesus said, but I would not have anticipated His resurrection. It isn't that I wouldn't have believed everything Jesus had said, just that I wouldn't have been able to comprehend based on my understanding of life. For in life, things that are living die, and the things that die do not live again. Yet, Jesus raised Lazarus from his death during His ministry and showed that with God, anything was possible. So perhaps, having seen Jesus raise Lazarus from the dead, I would have believed Jesus could rise from the dead too. Whether I believed or not, I know I would have experienced intense sadness waiting for Jesus and a longing for Him to return.