God's Will

Today has been confusing and put a lot of weight on my heart. I woke up with the intent of sharing good news and rejoicing together in my success. The joy was short lived when I was made to feel guilty about my success and circumstances outside my control. Everyone seems to miss when something is unfair to you and only remember when it is unfair to them. I just wanted to be happy that a 9 year burden had been lifted off of my chest and that new possibilities were on the horizon. Instead I felt guilty for my success. 

It didn't help that I was already feeling down because circumstances prevented me from enjoying a favorite event of my youth. There were so many photos from today and I was filled with a longing to be present, but I knew I couldn't be. Yesterday was an eye opener and I need to be responsible for my feelings. Going to the event would have been inviting trouble for myself. I know it would open me up to feeling those feelings again and I don't want to go back to that dark space of anger.

I though about my feelings a lot today and couldn't align what I was feeling with God's direction for how to live our lives. It was confusing. I thought again about being a stubborn child who refuses to hear "no" and won't let go. My heart weighed heavy in my chest. I didn't know how to make sense of any of it. Then I tuned into a sermon on God's Will. It was the first sermon in the series and the focus was how you won't hear God's will: you won't hear God's will in your feelings, in the advice given you, in your culture, or in your circumstances. 

While the pastor repeated "God's will," I think it is important to make the distinction between how God wants us to live and how the things that happen (the good, the bad, the mistakes, the accidents, etc.) work together for our good. The Bible provides instructions on how we are suppose to live while everything working together for our good is one of God's truths that we live out. His will would be the Bible and His plans how everything works out. I think it is time I turn my focus to His will.