Crisis

My heart is heavy, I am angry, and I feel betrayed. All the hope I had has been taken away from me with a single post to Facebook. Everything I depended on and thought was true from last week appears to have been a lie. I was on the verge of humbling myself, to ask for a favor, all in the hope that for once I would have a birthday that meant something. This year I was going to finally be happy and even have unanswered prayers answered. Then it was all gone, a single post ended my hope, and broke my heart. My heart still had the ability to break and I hurt more than I ever did before.

I am angry with God. I told Him not to bring back my love if He was only going to take him away again. It wasn't fair. Taking him away again was mean an unnecessary. Why answer my prayers just to have me get my hopes up? I know God isn't mean or spiteful, but I can't understand why He allowed this to happen. He allowed me to fall in love all over again only to tell me once again I don't get the one I love.Why? For what purpose did it serve? I already knew I couldn't have him. I didn't need to be teased with the possibility. 

I reached out to other people today, but they can't or won't understand. The consensus seems to be that it all was in my head and I deserve better. I then endured the people I needed telling me the one I love wasn't good and didn't deserve my love. It didn't matter how I feel or what I wanted. I feel even more alone and don't know what to do. I feel even more alone and don't know what to do. I reached out because I was having a crisis of faith and I didn't want one feeling of betrayal to end a relationship of 25 years.

I am struggling. I feel defeated and betrayed by the very one I thought would always protect me. I don't understand. It was all unnecessary. I know my relationship with Jesus will be restored, but right now I can't escape the feelings of betrayal and deep heartache. There has been so much I have undergone and not once did I question Jesus, but this, this return of the one I love only to take him away, was unnecessary. The only purpose can be heartache and that doesn't accomplish anything except sadness. I had already resolved I didn't get him. I didn't need this. I really didn't.

The Trials of Jesus Christ

Yesterday, Jesus was betrayed, arrested, and abandoned by His friends, even Peter, who promised to stay with Him always. Today, He will face six trials and ultimately be persecuted by the very same people who celebrated His arrival on Sunday.

The first trial is before Annas and happens in the night time hours (early morning). Annas is looking for an accusation, ultimately biding time until Sanhedrin is gathered at High Priestly villa. The second trial, the primary trial, is before Sanhedrin and Jesus is condemned, misused. The third trial happened immediately at dawn. Peter denies Jesus a third time, Jesus looks upon him, and the rooster crows 3 times. The condemnation is repeated and Jesus is taken to the Romans. The fourth trial is before Pilate, but finding Jesus without fault, he sends him to Herod to be dealt with. The fifth trial is before Herod, who sends Jesus back to Pilate. The sixth and final trial is before Pilate. Pilate's wife is plagued by a dream about Jesus and tells Pilate not to have involvement in His death. Jesus is scourged. Pilate gives the people an option and a way out, thinking the people are just jealous of Jesus. Pilate offers the people Barabbas, a convicted murder, or Jesus to be released as part of their celebration. The crowd cries out, "Crucify Him or we will tell Rome!" Pilate is unable to reason with the people and fears a riot. Jesus is turned over to the Roman soldiers to be crucified. The Roman soldiers mocked Jesus, making Him a crown of thorns. Meanwhile, plagued with guilt, Judas hangs himself.

The time has come. Jesus bears His cross to the gate on the north of the city and is crucified around 9 am. Nailed to the cross, Jesus is mocked again and again. The people cry out to Jesus, asking Him, "Where is your God to save you?" This might be hard to imagine, but Jesus was on the cross by choice and as the people mocked Him, He could have chosen to leave then, to not provide salvation through His death. Instead He prayed, "Father, forgive them. They do not know what they have done." On either side of Jesus were prisoners, one joined the crowd mocking Jesus and the other recognized Jesus for what He was, to this prisoner Jesus said, "Today, you will be with me in paradise." Mary, Jesus' mother is there, and it must have been awful watching her son hang on that cross, not truly understanding why He was there. Jesus sees His mother, recognizes her pain, and tells her, "Woman, behold thy son...", giving her a new son in the form of His disciple.

Darkness falls, even though it is noon, and remains until 3 pm. God's back is turned on His son as the sin of the people is cast on Him upon the cross. Jesus cries out, "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?" The people continue to mock Him, challenging His God to save Him, and wait to see what will happen. Jesus speaks again, "I thirst," and someone offers him a sponge soaked in vinegar. Then it is time and Jesus gives up His spirit, "It is finished." Around 3 pm, after Jesus gives up His spirit, the veil of the temple is torn. The people can now have free access to God and they no longer have to rely on the priests. Some graves are opened and the people rise (to mortality) and go into the city. As the evening goes on, the soldiers become impatient waiting for the prisoners to die. The soldiers pierce Jesus' side, but He was already dead. The Passover lambs are slain in the temple and Jesus is buried at sundown.

Now, Jesus was dead, but the Pharisees still feared Him and convinced Pilate to have guards in front of His tomb, lest His disciples were to steal His body in the middle of the night. This request is funny to me because His disciples were distraught at Jesus' death and were not likely to think of, let alone execute, a body snatch. The tomb of Jesus is sealed and the people continue on to their homes. For many this is the end, but we have the benefit of knowing Jesus' death on the cross isn't the end.

The Last Supper

On day 5, Jesus sent Peter and John to make preparation for the Passover meal. Jesus gave the disciples very specific instructions, "Go into the city to a certain man and tell him, 'Teacher says: My appointed time is near. I am going to celebrate the Passover with my disciples at your house,'" (Matthew 26: 18). Peter and John went into the city and prepared the Passover. At evening, while Jesus was reclining at the table and the disciples were eating, Jesus told His disciples that one of them would betray Him. Of course, the disciples were surprised and saddened, each wanting to know if it was them. Jesus replied to their questioning, "The one who has dipped his hand into the bowl with me will betray me. The Son of Man will go just as it is written about him. But woe to that man who betrays the Son of Man! It would be better for him if he had not been born," (Matthew 26: 23-24). Judas, the one who would betray Jesus, then said, "Surely, you don't mean me, Rabbi?" (Matthew 26: 25). Jesus said it was him, who would betray him. There is clear acknowledgment that Jesus knows exactly who will betray him, although this is missed by the other disciples. 

After Jesus tells Judas that he will betray Him, he takes the bread and giving thanks, breaks it into pieces, one for each of His disciples. He tells them to eat the bread for it represents His body. He then takes a cup, gives thanks, and gives the cup to them, saying, "Drink from it, all  of you. This my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins. I tell you, I will not drink from this fruit of the vine from now until that day when I drink it new with you in my Father's kingdom," (Matthew 26: 27-29). Jesus continues to teach His disciples as He then washes their feet. Washing their feet showed them a huge honor and showed the nature of serving that Jesus wanted them to have in their lives. After Jesus washed their feet and the disciples ate, Judas left to finish his betrayal of Jesus.

In the Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus experienced agony and desired the disciples would keep watch and pray with Him. He knew what was about to happen, He desired the cup be taken from His lips, but knew He would do the will of the Father anyways. His heart was in agony, He called out to the Father, but His disciples fell asleep. His disciples missed the intensity of His agony and only the angels were there to comfort Him. Jesus rebuked them, but they fell asleep again, not realizing the preciousness of the moment they were in. In the Garden of Gethsemane, Judas came with Sanhedrin and soldiers, and with a kiss Judas betrayed Jesus. Jesus was arrested and His disciples fled Him, even Peter. Jesus is taken to the house of the High Priest as Sanhedrin is convened. All sorts of false allegations are brought forth against Jesus. Peter, who followed Jesus, betrays Jesus 3 times as he waits outside the house of the High Priest. 

If this were the end, day 5 would seem bleak. Jesus was arrested, His disciples had abandoned Him, and He was facing a trial that would end in His death. I imagine the sadness He must have felt, having watched His friends, the people He loved, abandon Him during His time of need. I have faced the betrayal, the abandonment, of people I loved and trusted. The pain is gut wrenching and the people who would have comforted you are gone. Fortunately, this is not wear Jesus' life ends. 

A Lesson In Prayer

In the morning, on day three, as Jesus and His disciples went along, the disciples noticed the fig tree from the day before withered from the roots. Peter remembered yesterday and said to Jesus, "Rabbi, look! The fig tree you cursed has withered!" (Mark 11: 20-21). Peter had been with Jesus a long time, he had witnessed many of Jesus' miracles, and yet he was still surprised by the withered fig tree. I think sometimes we take God's presence for granted and forget all of things He has already done in our lives. Peter, who had walked on water with Jesus, was surprised Jesus' curse of the fig tree left it withered from the roots. His surprise makes no sense, considering all of the things he witnessed, and yet it happened. A lack of faith in God is possible and can happen to anyone.

Jesus answered Peter, "Have faith in God. Truly I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go throw yourself into the sea' and does not doubt in their heart, but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it and it will be yours. And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins," (Mark 11: 22-25). Jesus could have rebuked Peter and reminded him of all of the miracles he had already witnessed, but instead He took the time to teach Peter and the other disciples about the power of prayer that rises from a faithful heart. Jesus loved His disciples enough to teach them and to leave them with lessons they could use when He was gone.

Jesus and His disciples continued on their journey, with the intent to spend the night in Bethany again, but one of the twelve, named Judas Iscariot, went instead to the chief priests. He asked them, "What are you willing to give to me to betray Him to you?" (Matthew 26: 14-16). The chief priest then weighed out thirty pieces of silver to him. Each time I read this, I am amazed at the willingness of Judas Iscariot to betray Jesus. Jesus was his friend, his teacher, and his traveling companion. How could he betray Jesus so easily? I don't have an answer, but I suspect it has to do with greed and the deceitfulness of the heart.