Renewal

Yesterday was difficult, all night long I laid awake, and for most of today I was upset. I'll admit I behaved like a spoiled child, even thinking juvenile things that were contrary to my knowledge and belief about God. I continued to pray, not even knowing what to say, but knowing that I needed to fix my relationship with God. Part of my anger was in the fact that I was praying and not receiving any answers. Right now I don't know if this was a test, the way Satan tested Job, or if this is another step in God's plan for me and I am just too close to recognize it as such.

But today, as I watched a reenactment of Jesus' death, I couldn't help but think that Jesus' wouldn't have endured all of that to just be mean now. As I stated earlier I was behaving like a spoiled child and was angry when I didn't get what I wanted. Now I still don't understand the purpose behind it, but I'm willing to wait to see what it is. And I'm experiencing a renewed sense of hope, hope that I thought was completely gone with yesterday. Hope was found in the completion of a simple task and anticipation for dreams not yet seen.

So my crisis of faith lasted about 24 hours and I know to some that might not seem like much, but it was the longest 24 hours of my life and took a considerable toll on me. I want everyone to know that crises happen, we are human, but how we respond determines how we deal with our relationship with God going forward. From the beginning I took everything to God. I told Him I was angry and that I felt betrayed. God is big enough to handle our anger, but we need to respectful and to not sin in our anger. I admitted that how I felt didn't seem like the God I knew, but that I couldn't make sense of this any other way. I expressed my desire for understanding as a means of restoring my relationship with Him. My prayers weren't answered immediately, but I continued to pray anyways, even when I couldn't find the words.

I really have no idea about tomorrow, but I have a renewed sense of hope and willingness to wait for things not yet seen. 

Crisis

My heart is heavy, I am angry, and I feel betrayed. All the hope I had has been taken away from me with a single post to Facebook. Everything I depended on and thought was true from last week appears to have been a lie. I was on the verge of humbling myself, to ask for a favor, all in the hope that for once I would have a birthday that meant something. This year I was going to finally be happy and even have unanswered prayers answered. Then it was all gone, a single post ended my hope, and broke my heart. My heart still had the ability to break and I hurt more than I ever did before.

I am angry with God. I told Him not to bring back my love if He was only going to take him away again. It wasn't fair. Taking him away again was mean an unnecessary. Why answer my prayers just to have me get my hopes up? I know God isn't mean or spiteful, but I can't understand why He allowed this to happen. He allowed me to fall in love all over again only to tell me once again I don't get the one I love.Why? For what purpose did it serve? I already knew I couldn't have him. I didn't need to be teased with the possibility. 

I reached out to other people today, but they can't or won't understand. The consensus seems to be that it all was in my head and I deserve better. I then endured the people I needed telling me the one I love wasn't good and didn't deserve my love. It didn't matter how I feel or what I wanted. I feel even more alone and don't know what to do. I feel even more alone and don't know what to do. I reached out because I was having a crisis of faith and I didn't want one feeling of betrayal to end a relationship of 25 years.

I am struggling. I feel defeated and betrayed by the very one I thought would always protect me. I don't understand. It was all unnecessary. I know my relationship with Jesus will be restored, but right now I can't escape the feelings of betrayal and deep heartache. There has been so much I have undergone and not once did I question Jesus, but this, this return of the one I love only to take him away, was unnecessary. The only purpose can be heartache and that doesn't accomplish anything except sadness. I had already resolved I didn't get him. I didn't need this. I really didn't.