November Challenge: Day 18

I apologize that this is another late night post. This evening was one of those evenings that I didn't want to deal with a situation and was dreading it all day. Then tonight that situation ended in a huge blow up. The details of what happened are not important, but rather the results. Tonight, I was doing a  favor for my mom ( I'll add a favor I didn't want to do) and helping my sister. I was never asked if I would help, but it was just assumed and I was already very upset about this. I don't think that you should expect more from someone when they have already helped you so much and I definitely think that if you want more that you should ask, not assume. That said I was putting my frustration aside and helping. Then in the moment of trying to help I was insulted and disrespected. In that moment I chose to establish and make clear boundaries. I wouldn't be talked to in that way and that as a result I was not going to help. 

Of course this decision resulted in a blow up, but I held my ground and for that I am grateful. I did what no one else has done and illustrated there are consequences for your actions. As a result, the people around me supported my decision, applauded it, and made clear that they would do the same.  This is something else that has never happened. I am grateful for the support because the night could have been a whole lot worse if they had given in like always. I am mentioning this because as I said before the results are important. I have a tendency to bend over backwards helping someone, to the point of it being an honest sacrifice for me, and people have a tendency to take advantage of me as a result. I try not to let this happen, but I am constantly feeling belittled as a result of helping others. I don't think this is how we should feel and I don't think this is how God envisioned us to live our lives. We are called to be meek like lambs, but shrewed like lions. 

Yes, we should help other people and take care of their needs. That said we are not other people's slaves. Jesus divided the loaves and fishes: He did not allow His disciples to go without. The disciples helped other people, but Jesus didn't require that they did everything everyone asked of them either. There is a line that is to be made and I think it is important that we make that line clear. Otherwise we end up as doormats and our once pure hearts become bitter. I have noticed this in my own heart. My compassion has become less as my heart has hardened, but tonight there was victory. I am aware this is only the beginning, but I know the importance in this victory and I will not allow myself to fail in establishing these necessary boundaries. 

With all of this said, I also need to confess my sin. Tonight, in my anger, I sinned. I didn't guard my tongue and I repeated a fact in a way that was designed to be hurtful. I shouldn't have made my comment because I only said it to make a hurtful point. The truth of the comment isn't as important as the intent behind it. I am not proud that I allowed the comments of another to cause me to sin. I believe my anger tonight would have been considered justified, but my response wasn't. I am not perfect and I still have a long ways to go, but I hope my honesty is encouragement to keep trying to live a life that brings honor to God. 

This is certainly not the grateful post I intended, but I am grateful and I hope everyone sees that in every moment there is an opportunity to be happy and to be grateful. Tonight is not the night I would have sat down to write about when thinking about thankfulness, but being intentionally grateful has made me see the gratitude I can have even in a moment such as tonight. What are you thankful for today? 

The Fruit Of The Spirit

Today has been marked by anger and frustration. Anger is creeping up over every area of my life and threatening to seize my heart. I am angry over my circumstances, over the seemingly impossible, and at myself. I am angry that I was unable to have success in the one area that I most wanted to have success in. I am angry, yet it doesn't matter. If my life were a tree, the anger would be thorns, and I find myself needing to prune so the fruit will grow. The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, long-suffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23). 

I have allowed long-suffering to eat at my heart, leaving room for anger and bitterness to grow, forgetting about nurturing the other fruits on my tree. If I don't stop the "rot" then my tree will die, along with all of my fruit. God wants us to be good gardeners of the Spirit, nurturing it, that our fruit would continue to grow. We can ignore the damage or we can go to God so that He can fix it. Tonight, I am acknowledging the damage done and trusting God to fix it so that my fruit can blossom once again. 

Proverbs 29

Proverbs 29: More Proverbs of Solomon (Cont.). 

Whoever remains stiff-necked after many rebukes will suddenly be destroyed - without remedy. A man who loves wisdom brings joy to his father, but a companion of prostitutes squanders his wealth. Those who flatter their neighbors are spreading nets for their feet. The righteous care about justice for the poor, but the wicked have no such concern. Mockers stir up a city, but the wise turn away anger. Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end. The poor and the oppressor have this in common: the Lord gives sight to the eyes of both. A rod and a reprimand impart wisdom, but a child left undisciplined disgraces its mother. Discipline your children, and they will give you peace; they will bring you the delights you desire. Do you see someone who speaks in haste? There is more hope for a fool than for them. A servant pampered from youth will turn out to be insolent. An angry person stirs up conflict; and a hot-tempered person commits many sins. Pride brings a person low, but the lowly in spirit gain honor. Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.

God wants us to heed a rebuke because rebukes prevent us from continuing to make the same mistakes. God says that if we remain stubborn, refusing to listen to rebukes, that we will be destroyed and there won't be another opportunity to reconcile our mistakes. Joy comes from loving wisdom and God wants us to be wise. God wants us to care about justice for the poor. We shouldn't take advantage of the poor because they are poor, instead we should ensure they achieve justice. Wisdom turns away anger and God wants us to avoid quarrels. We are to bring calm during an argument instead of giving full vent to our rage. God wants us to discipline our children that they would discover wisdom and not turn insolent. Godly discipline won't harm your child, but will benefit their life all the days of their life. God doesn't want us to be angry or to be full of pride, instead He wants us to be lowly in spirit and to trust in Him.

Proverbs 27

Proverbs 27: More Proverbs of Solomon (Cont.).

Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring. Let someone else praise you, and your own mouth; an outsider, and not your own lips. Anger is cruel and fury overwhelming, but who can stand before jealousy. Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses. One who is full loathes honey from the comb, but to the hungry even what is bitter tastes sweet. The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and pay the penalty. If anyone loudly blesses their neighbor early in the morning, it will be taken as a curse. A quarrelsome wife is like the dripping of a leaky room in a rainstorm; restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand. As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another. As water reflects the face, so one's life reflects the heart. Death and destruction are never satisfied, and neither are human eyes. Be sure you know the condition of your flocks, give careful attention to your herds; for riches do not endure forever, and a crown is not secure for all generations.

God does not want us to boast about tomorrow because we don't know what will happen the next second, let alone tomorrow. Our trust should be in God and God's plan for tomorrow rather than our own ability to predict the future. God wants praise for us to come from someone else instead of our own lips. Our lives should be visibly changed because of God's presence. If we have to prove to others our lives have changed than they likely haven't changed. God wants us to rebuke our friends out of love because wounds from a friend can be trusted, but to be wary of the kisses of an enemy. God warns about not seeing danger and taking refuge, as well as loudly blessing a neighbor early in the morning. It seems obvious to take refuge when there is danger, but sometimes danger is hidden and we need wisdom to know when we would should take refuge. God warns against being quarrelsome and compares a quarrelsome wife to the dripping of a leaky roof in a rainstorm. I think there is a belief that we can quarrel with the people closest to us because they deserve it and/or they don't have a choice about putting up with the quarrel. Our lives should reflect our heart the way a face is reflected in water. God warns us that human eyes are not satisfied. In comparing human eyes to death and destruction, we are given a consequence for eyes that are not satisfied. 

Anger

Today I have struggled with anger. My unguarded moments were filled with intense, undeniable anger toward a person and the situation I find myself in with this same person. I'm not proud of this, but at more than one unguarded moment I found myself wishing I never met this person. I wanted to go back in time and un-meet this person, forever changing the next 8 years of my life. That should indicate the level of anger I felt towards this person that I was willing to throw away an 8 year relationship.

Throughout the day I just kept reminding myself to not let my anger lead to sin. I then spent the evening reading what the Bible says about anger. Anger is not always a sin. When God is angry (Psalms 7:11, Mark 3:5) it is referred to as righteous indignation and believers are encouraged to be angry about the same things (Ephesians 4:26). There are two words in Greek that mean anger: one means "passion, energy" and the other means "agitated, boiling." Biblically, anger is God-given energy intended to help us solve problems. Examples of anger in the Bible include David being upset over hearing Nathan the prophet sharing an injustice (2 Samuel 12) and Jesus' anger over how some of the Jews had defiled worship at God's temple in Jerusalem (John 2: 13-18). Neither of these examples involved self-defense, but rather a defense of others or of a principle.

Anger at an injustice inflicted against oneself is also appropriate as long as it doesn't lead to sin. We are called to be slow to anger and to leave vengeance to the Lord. Anger should not linger in our hearts and we should forgive quickly (Ephesians 4: 26-27). Jesus preached to pray for our enemies and to turn the other cheek when struck. So as the day closes I am reminded to let go of my anger, to pray for the person who hurt me, and to leave the rest to God. There isn't much more that you can do without anger leading to sin.

There will always be people who will hurt you and cause you to be angry. Do not sin in your anger.

Renewal

Yesterday was difficult, all night long I laid awake, and for most of today I was upset. I'll admit I behaved like a spoiled child, even thinking juvenile things that were contrary to my knowledge and belief about God. I continued to pray, not even knowing what to say, but knowing that I needed to fix my relationship with God. Part of my anger was in the fact that I was praying and not receiving any answers. Right now I don't know if this was a test, the way Satan tested Job, or if this is another step in God's plan for me and I am just too close to recognize it as such.

But today, as I watched a reenactment of Jesus' death, I couldn't help but think that Jesus' wouldn't have endured all of that to just be mean now. As I stated earlier I was behaving like a spoiled child and was angry when I didn't get what I wanted. Now I still don't understand the purpose behind it, but I'm willing to wait to see what it is. And I'm experiencing a renewed sense of hope, hope that I thought was completely gone with yesterday. Hope was found in the completion of a simple task and anticipation for dreams not yet seen.

So my crisis of faith lasted about 24 hours and I know to some that might not seem like much, but it was the longest 24 hours of my life and took a considerable toll on me. I want everyone to know that crises happen, we are human, but how we respond determines how we deal with our relationship with God going forward. From the beginning I took everything to God. I told Him I was angry and that I felt betrayed. God is big enough to handle our anger, but we need to respectful and to not sin in our anger. I admitted that how I felt didn't seem like the God I knew, but that I couldn't make sense of this any other way. I expressed my desire for understanding as a means of restoring my relationship with Him. My prayers weren't answered immediately, but I continued to pray anyways, even when I couldn't find the words.

I really have no idea about tomorrow, but I have a renewed sense of hope and willingness to wait for things not yet seen. 

Crisis

My heart is heavy, I am angry, and I feel betrayed. All the hope I had has been taken away from me with a single post to Facebook. Everything I depended on and thought was true from last week appears to have been a lie. I was on the verge of humbling myself, to ask for a favor, all in the hope that for once I would have a birthday that meant something. This year I was going to finally be happy and even have unanswered prayers answered. Then it was all gone, a single post ended my hope, and broke my heart. My heart still had the ability to break and I hurt more than I ever did before.

I am angry with God. I told Him not to bring back my love if He was only going to take him away again. It wasn't fair. Taking him away again was mean an unnecessary. Why answer my prayers just to have me get my hopes up? I know God isn't mean or spiteful, but I can't understand why He allowed this to happen. He allowed me to fall in love all over again only to tell me once again I don't get the one I love.Why? For what purpose did it serve? I already knew I couldn't have him. I didn't need to be teased with the possibility. 

I reached out to other people today, but they can't or won't understand. The consensus seems to be that it all was in my head and I deserve better. I then endured the people I needed telling me the one I love wasn't good and didn't deserve my love. It didn't matter how I feel or what I wanted. I feel even more alone and don't know what to do. I feel even more alone and don't know what to do. I reached out because I was having a crisis of faith and I didn't want one feeling of betrayal to end a relationship of 25 years.

I am struggling. I feel defeated and betrayed by the very one I thought would always protect me. I don't understand. It was all unnecessary. I know my relationship with Jesus will be restored, but right now I can't escape the feelings of betrayal and deep heartache. There has been so much I have undergone and not once did I question Jesus, but this, this return of the one I love only to take him away, was unnecessary. The only purpose can be heartache and that doesn't accomplish anything except sadness. I had already resolved I didn't get him. I didn't need this. I really didn't.