40-Day Detox: 6 Day Update

Last weekend I laid out my plan for "detoxing" my life and refocusing on God's will for me. My plan includes living a healthier lifestyle, becoming more active, limiting unnecessary world influence, and spending more time with God daily. I am now 6 days into the 40-day detox and there is a lot of room for improvement. I created a tracker to keep track of the progress I made, the intention being that I would use it daily, but I haven't filled it out at all, which is indication enough that I could use improvement. This week has been crazy. I have been rushing this week to finish a project while also studying like crazy for a test that I had to take for work. So while I have still been trying to keep up with the detox plan, I haven't been keeping up with tracking each day's progress. 

This week I have been successful in spending less time on YouTube or watching TV and spending more time with God. I completed a  5-day devotional plan on the topic "When God Could Have, But He Didn't" in addition to the Bible reading and devotional I normally do every day. I was not successful in living a healthier lifestyle or being more active each day. I am hoping to improve on these aspects of my detox plan as I move into the second week. In order to ensure improvement on living a healthier lifestyle, I am implementing changes today, which include planning a healthier grocery list. I already meal prep my lunches for work most weeks, but I have noticed that if I don't have a lot of variety it is harder for me to eat my lunch without buying something else. Buying your lunch daily is not necessarily a bad thing, but for me the only options are expensive and not that healthy. I am still planning my lunches for this week, but if you want to see what I meal prep for my lunches, leave a comment below letting me know. 

My overall impressions of this first week of "detox" is that I need a lot of improvement in reaching my daily goals if I hope to see any progress at the end of 40 days. I have noticed a lot of bitterness in my heart about my circumstances and that bitterness is creating an awful attitude. This is not the way I want to live my life and I have been struggling a lot with my attitude this week. My general approach was that God has a lot of work to do during the 40 day detox, but the reality is that I have a lot of work to do. This isn't God's problem, but mine and I need to put in effort to fix it and then God can do what I am unable to do. 

I made some progress yesterday during my 2 hour drive to take a test for work. The radio station I usually listen to went to static after 45 minutes of driving and I was left in silence the rest of the drive. I only like silence when I am trying to sleep so it was a difficult transition for me, but I used the time to just talk to God. I spilled my heart out to Him as I drove on the freeway and when I reached my destination, I received my answer of sorts. Of course, an answer after a long period of silence is confusing, but again I spent my time alone to pray about the meaning and this morning I woke to a devotional email on the topic that God is Faithful to Keep His Promises. Silence is a good thing because it gives us time with God and it gives Him the quiet time He needs to give us an answer. Yes, He can answer us in the loud, chaotic times of our lives, but no one wants to shout to be heard. 

These last 6 days have not been very successful for me, but my experience over the last few days has reminded me that I need to renew my commitment. I need to work hard to improve in these areas that I have identified as in need of "detox". Transformation is not going to happen overnight, but I hope that next week I am able to share improvement on my way toward a more God-focused life. How is your journey going? Let me known in the comments below.

Renewal

Yesterday was difficult, all night long I laid awake, and for most of today I was upset. I'll admit I behaved like a spoiled child, even thinking juvenile things that were contrary to my knowledge and belief about God. I continued to pray, not even knowing what to say, but knowing that I needed to fix my relationship with God. Part of my anger was in the fact that I was praying and not receiving any answers. Right now I don't know if this was a test, the way Satan tested Job, or if this is another step in God's plan for me and I am just too close to recognize it as such.

But today, as I watched a reenactment of Jesus' death, I couldn't help but think that Jesus' wouldn't have endured all of that to just be mean now. As I stated earlier I was behaving like a spoiled child and was angry when I didn't get what I wanted. Now I still don't understand the purpose behind it, but I'm willing to wait to see what it is. And I'm experiencing a renewed sense of hope, hope that I thought was completely gone with yesterday. Hope was found in the completion of a simple task and anticipation for dreams not yet seen.

So my crisis of faith lasted about 24 hours and I know to some that might not seem like much, but it was the longest 24 hours of my life and took a considerable toll on me. I want everyone to know that crises happen, we are human, but how we respond determines how we deal with our relationship with God going forward. From the beginning I took everything to God. I told Him I was angry and that I felt betrayed. God is big enough to handle our anger, but we need to respectful and to not sin in our anger. I admitted that how I felt didn't seem like the God I knew, but that I couldn't make sense of this any other way. I expressed my desire for understanding as a means of restoring my relationship with Him. My prayers weren't answered immediately, but I continued to pray anyways, even when I couldn't find the words.

I really have no idea about tomorrow, but I have a renewed sense of hope and willingness to wait for things not yet seen. 

Confusion

Last night I didn't sleep much again, I hope this isn't turning into a trend, plagued by dreams of the one I love. Ordinarily dreams of him would be comforting, reassuring, but last night the dreams I had were awful, even nightmarish. I woke up longing for his comfort and protection, but I was all alone. My heart ached and I prayed. All day I waited for that prayer to be answered, but if there was an answer given I missed it. Tonight, I'm sad, filled with an intense longing and questioning how I should be feeling.

Love is unconditional: it believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things (1 Corinthians 13). I believe this, I practice this, and yet I'm questioning if I'm doing what I'm suppose to or just being stubborn. Today I am wondering if I'm being a stubborn child refusing to accept the Father's "No." If I am refusing to accept God's plans then I am delaying fulfillment, I am delaying God's blessings, and putting off the inevitable, which only brings pain. I don't want to be stubborn, but I can't escape the reality of unconditional love. I am reminded of the Prodigal Son. His father probably prayed every day for his son's return and everyday without an answer probably felt like God was saying, "No!" I don't know how the father took the waiting, I don't know if he ever gave up, but I know there was so much joy in the return. 

The father had to wait for the prodigal son, he didn't know if or when his son would come back, and yet it seems he was there waiting. Tonight I don't know if that is what I am suppose to do. Do I wait or do I let go? I do both. I pray and I patiently wait for an answer, for restoration, for the next step. I pray and turn it all over to God. He has the control, not me, and let's be honest He is way more qualified. It is ok to not have the answers. God does.

When you're in a place of confusion and you don't know what to do, do nothing. Well not nothing. Pray. Pray, giving it all to God, and wait for His solution, His wisdom, or whatever else it is you need. God knows exactly what you need and how to answer your need according to His plan. Confusion is part of being human so just pray, let go, and wait. It's in God's hands.

Frustration

I have been struggling with frustration. I have attributed my irritability to stress and yet taking measures to prevent stress had no affect. The frustration and irritability, particularly how I was responding to people, was leaving a bitterness at the end of the day and pain in my heart. I was reminded of the day when I refused to forgive and the anger ate at my heart. Last night I prayed  about this, I felt God telling me frustration was a choice and we didn't have to respond to other people with irritability.

Today I did the same thing I did back in September: no matter what happened I wasn't going to be upset or act out my frustration. And just like before there were things that would upset me, but today I didn't let it bother me. The things that weren't personal I didn't take personally. I gave myself the opportunity to breathe before responding. It changed my entire day and where I would have been frustrated before, I was now happy and content. Remember we can only control our own actions.

Powerful Prayer

Tonight, I am sitting here and I don't really know where to begin. I spent most of today avoiding anything painful, which is a lot harder to do when your day has down time. I have been so exhausted, physically and mentally, that I needed a break from heartache and sadness. I believed I was in such a need of a break that I took matters into my own hands and gave myself one, as I actively avoided anything that might bring me pain or heartache. I know that I am not alone in wanting to avoid painful experiences, but I realized at the end of the day I limited myself from learning any lesson of truth that I needed to experience. As much I would like to learn lessons in comfort, the reality is many of our lessons are learned through struggle, loss, and pain. Painful experiences are necessary in life. When we are allowed the opportunity to struggle we are also given the opportunity to pray, to have faith, and to watch as God blesses us with various experiences of His divine truth. Today, I avoided the struggle and any truth I may have experienced is left for another day, but I have this new appreciation for the painful experiences I will have. 

Kelsey

I didn't really feel I missed anything today, from the perspective of socializing, but then I read an update on my friend's blog Discover Lent With Me and remembered today is the 2 year anniversary of her daughter's car accident. Her daughter and I are friends, having grown up together.  She survived and we are so very grateful. Her story is miraculous and in it I experienced so much truth, particularly the power of prayer. I have felt at times my prayers weren't being answered, but then I look at my friend and see so many prayers answered in her. On the brink of death she was brought back, her life restored, and all of these seemingly impossible things were made possible in her life. Doctors would say she couldn't and she would show them she could. Her journey during the accident was documented on a Facebook page Kelsey Warren, Train Master. Every night her friends, her family, and complete strangers would tune in for an update on Kelsey. We prayed together, offered thanks for the progress she was making, and provided encouragement to one another. This tragedy brought so many people together and together we were able to share in the progress Kelsey was making. 

Tonight, I was thinking about this shared period of life and the prayers I prayed nightly for my friend. I remember days when I was literally on my knees begging God to restore Kelsey's body. I was heartbroken for my friend, but was so inspired by her wonderful family, who never once complained. Sometimes we need to be reminded of the big prayers that were answered in our life, such as all of my answered prayers in the life of my friend Kelsey. Otherwise I think our hearts would become discouraged when we don't necessarily see the little prayers answered. I think that our little prayers are being answered too, but I think it is harder to recognize the answers because they are more subtle. I understand that all of our prayers feel big at the time we pray them, but often times they are a product of our circumstances. Either way prayer, all prayer, is powerful so just pray.

God's Plans Are Not Our Plans

When I am uncomfortable with a question asked of me, I have a tendency to give vague answers that barely resemble the truth. The answer I give isn't a lie, but it isn't honest either. The answer is somewhere in the gray area and prevents the person from understanding the truth. I do this to protect myself and to avoid judgement, but today I didn't. Today, I was asked a question that made me uncomfortable and instead of giving a vague answer I decided to answer honestly and even offered an elaboration to my original answer. I was surprised by the relief I felt in answering honestly. With this one person I didn't have to pretend I wasn't feeling the way I am. I wasn't judged and though the person ended the conversation, I was happy I had been honest. The lesson learned is honest answers prevent confusion and decrease the likelihood the person will accidentally say something to upset you.

I'll admit I was intrigued by the question asked me and I began to wonder the implications of the question. One implication in particular began to make me envision God's plan and I quickly stopped, remembering something I read yesterday. God's plans are not our plans and assuming we know God's plans leads to discouragement and disappointment. Moses thought he knew what God's plan was when He said, "I will harden Pharaoh's heart," but he didn't and became upset when his expectations weren't met. Moses came to God and expressed frustration, "Why have you brought this on me?" because he didn't understand God's plan. As I read this passage, I realized I have expressed this same frustration, disappointed when expectations weren't met. 

God's plans are not our plans. We cannot assume we know because His thoughts are not our thoughts. God is looking at the big picture while we are usually looking at the little picture of our current circumstances. Today, I am learning to focus on God's plan and not on my own. To do this I must focus on today, on the progress being made, and not on what may or may not happen tomorrow. Do not worry about tomorrow for the future is God's hands. 

Waiting

Today's lesson is about waiting; this became abundantly clear as I read the article "When God Makes You Wait." The article states "God could have healed Lazarus for 3 days, but waited until he had passed away" and went on to mention other men and the ways God made them wait. The point was God could have easily answered these men's prayers or eased their suffering, but chose to wait, sometimes up to 40 years. We shouldn't be discouraged when we have to wait, these men waited, and their prayers were answered in miraculous ways.

When God seems to be saying "No," it might be He is really saying "Not yet" or "I have a better yes for you." This is difficult when you feel your prayers are already being answered and then the answer is taken away. I don't know if God is saying "You're not ready yet" or promising to replace it with something better, but I do know each time we are made to wait our faith is being tested and strengthened. When we are dependent upon God we build spiritual muscle and are being perfected in our struggles.

Waiting is difficult. Praying the same prayer for years or crying the same tears can make it seem like God is no longer listening. Feeling all alone, where even God isn't answering, is heartbreaking, but it isn't reality. The reality is God loves you very much and is answering your prayers, but sometimes the answers to our prayers take time and we have to wait. I have found that after my prayers were finally answered I understood why I needed to wait for the answers, but even so I still struggle with waiting.

Especially right now, having so fully enjoyed an answered prayer only to have the answer removed from my life and given to someone else. I can't understand why my answer was taken away, I don't know if my answer will come back, and I am having difficulty processing these changes, but I know if God is asking me to wait it is for a reason.