The Misstep

Life is a journey of many paths and though we believe we are on the right path, we sometimes misstep and stumble. A misstep doesn't mean the path we are on is bad, but rather that we took our eyes off of the road and made a mistake. This happens much the same way as when we are walking on a sidewalk and trip over a tree root or unevenness in the concrete. The sidewalk isn't bad; we simply lost sight of the path our feet was walking on. Sometimes we are so focused on the end of a path that we try to speed up to hurry and reach our destination. In our hurry, we forget to look critically at our path, and we stumble as we take a misstep.

A misstep is a stumble and not a fall. You can regain your focus, regain your calm, and restart on your path. Stumbling is not the end. Peter, in his path to Jesus, had to walk on water. He was doing it and then he misstep (by looking down in disbelief), which made him begin to sink, but he called out to Jesus. Jesus was there to help him back on his path with His arm outstretched to Peter. Peter's misstep was not the end of his journey, but rather an opportunity to grow and learn more about his destination: Jesus. Jesus could have become upset, He could have put Peter back on the boat and walked away, but He didn't because there was more to be learned from the misstep then if Peter had walked on water perfectly in faith. God could easily prevent us from stumbling, but He doesn't. He allows for the missteps and He allows for consequences because His desire is that we would learn and that we would grown in our faith. 

As we hurry towards our destinations, eager for the path to end, we need to stop and remember that sometimes the journey is more important than the destination. We will all get where we need to go, but we won't all learn what we need to know before we get there. Watch out for the missteps, do your best to stay on the path, but don't worry if you should stumble. Reach out and grab Jesus' outstretched hand, allow Him to pull you back on your path, and continue on your journey. Your path is not a track to be ran, but a journey to be enjoyed. 

Focus

This evening I spent some time reflecting on my journey so far and was reminded over and over again of my need to let go. Even now I am holding onto expectations and desires for my life. I am clearly seeing a plan and keep finding myself disappointed when my plan doesn't happen. It doesn't help that I am looking ahead, knowing what I want or need, and not knowing if it will be answered. I want to know and yet I know I don't get to know.

Today I am trying to change my focus and do the things I can control. I am taking all of my plans, my hopes, and my dreams and letting go. I am relinquishing control over the things I never really had control of to begin with. God knows the desires of my heart and He also knows my needs. Letting go allows me to rejoice for what I have as I have it rather than being disappointed for what I don't have. This isn't going to be easy. We, as humans, need to have a sense of control or we begin to feel anxious and insecure in our surroundings. I am not giving up control, but choosing to focus on what I can control  instead.

I began this shift in focus today. I looked at my environment and I didn't like what I saw so I spent the afternoon cleaning and organizing. I rid myself of the things that were making me overwhelmed and that no longer served a purpose in my life. There is still more to do, but tonight I am satisfied with the progress made. I also have control over what I eat, my budget, and my physical health. The results I see are based on my actions, I have control, and I am not consumed in disappointment because expectations weren't met.

Finally, my focus is shifted to living out God's will rather than anticipating His plans. I am able to read the Bible, know how I am suppose to live, and I have control over my actions. I will take care of my part, living according to God's will, and allow God to take care of His part, working everything together for the good of those who Him. I am ready to relinquish my control over to God.

Frustration

I have been struggling with frustration. I have attributed my irritability to stress and yet taking measures to prevent stress had no affect. The frustration and irritability, particularly how I was responding to people, was leaving a bitterness at the end of the day and pain in my heart. I was reminded of the day when I refused to forgive and the anger ate at my heart. Last night I prayed  about this, I felt God telling me frustration was a choice and we didn't have to respond to other people with irritability.

Today I did the same thing I did back in September: no matter what happened I wasn't going to be upset or act out my frustration. And just like before there were things that would upset me, but today I didn't let it bother me. The things that weren't personal I didn't take personally. I gave myself the opportunity to breathe before responding. It changed my entire day and where I would have been frustrated before, I was now happy and content. Remember we can only control our own actions.

Gratitude

We are quick to pray when something goes wrong, quick to be angry or upset by unfair circumstances, and quick to criticize when life doesn't happen the way we wanted. But are we equally quick to pray when things go right, quick to give praise, and quick to acknowledge God's plan is best? In life, we will have sorrows and joy and we should pray often in both circumstances, with a joyful heart. I have been bad about this. I have a tendency to pray quickly when I need something, but delay giving thanks. It isn't intentional, but nevertheless I should be mindful of my gratitude. 

Tonight I have so much to be grateful for, in addition to the blessings God has already given me. I am grateful for a friend's encouragement and faith in my abilities. His encouragement led me to order the part and fix my computer by myself. It worked. I am grateful for a perfect score in the first class I have taken towards my graduate certificate in child life. I am grateful I was able to pay off another student loan. There are now only 3 left (there were originally 5). I am so very grateful for God's blessings.

I realize to non-believers my gratitude seems to be attributed to my own abilities rather than God's blessings. Yet, all of my abilities are directly from God and His influence in my life. God is more than willing to bless us, but sometimes He requires us to use our gifts to fulfill His blessings in our life. I didn't just get an A in my class. I worked every  week to stay on top of my assigned reading, attend class, and finish my assignments on time. I used God's gifts and worked hard to do well in my class. This is equally true when it comes to paying off another student loan. I used money saving principles taught to me by God to save money, budget, and establish a repayment plan that worked for me. God blessed me with few expenses and a good job that has made repayment easier.

Be grateful for all you have, pray often, and don't assume God will do it all, He desires your participation in life.

Death and Longing

Following Jesus on His journey during the last week of His life has been incredibly interesting. I already knew what had happened and could probably have even provided a fairly accurate description of each day, but researching His last week has made me feel I was on this journey with Him. I know what has happened since His death, but as I took this journey I experienced real emotions of sadness. Here, this man who had only loved and served others, was condemned, persecuted, and crucified. If anyone didn't deserve death, it was Jesus, yet it was Him that was nailed to that cross. There is this undeniable feeling that what happened on the cross was unfair, both in past and in current circumstances, but Jesus didn't care. He allowed Himself to be denied, to be nailed to a cross, and to die on a cross for us, all of us. Incredible sacrifice and love is being shown for us in this moment.

If I had been there with Jesus, if I had been one of His disciples, I would have been so grieved today. I would have known what Jesus said, but I would not have anticipated His resurrection. It isn't that I wouldn't have believed everything Jesus had said, just that I wouldn't have been able to comprehend based on my understanding of life. For in life, things that are living die, and the things that die do not live again. Yet, Jesus raised Lazarus from his death during His ministry and showed that with God, anything was possible. So perhaps, having seen Jesus raise Lazarus from the dead, I would have believed Jesus could rise from the dead too. Whether I believed or not, I know I would have experienced intense sadness waiting for Jesus and a longing for Him to return.

Focus

The last few days I have felt like a zombie: too tired, too drained, and with entirely too much to do. When this happens I am able to focus on only one thing and everything else gets forgotten. A lot of time this happens at work and I forget my lunch on some shelf in a classroom, forcing myself to go back when I realize it. Or it happens where I am so focused on the worldly things that need to be done that I forget to return my focus to God. It isn't that I forget God, like I did my lunch, but that at the end of a long day I realize I missed what God was trying to teach me. 

Generally, focus isn't a a problem or at least this much of a problem. I enjoy connecting with God and seeing what He has planned for me in my day. I try to start my morning praying, find time to read a God Wants Me To Know message, read a friend's blog Discover Lent With Me on her own journey, and I end my day with gratitude, another God Wants Me To Know message, a daily devotional, scripture, and prayer. And in between? In between I pray. I talk to God like I would a friend because God is my friend. 

I am reminded of a children's song Jesus is My Best Friend. This is actually a song we are teaching the children for their Easter pageant next month, which is why the song has been in my head so much lately. Jesus is our friend and just like our other friendships we need to spend time with Him. Spending time with Him shouldn't be seen as an obligation, but a wonderful opportunity to get to know Him better. The best part of Jesus being our friend is that He is always there with us and we don't have to worry if He has time to listen. 

Progress

Life seems to happen in stages (birth, childhood, adolescence, college, marriage, children, retirement, and death) and we all have plan for our life at each of these stages, even when we shouldn't. I am a planner and I always have been. My entire childhood I knew exactly how each life stage would turn out. In the 5th grade I even wrote a short story about my plan as I looked through a magic mirror at various stages of my life. In short, I was going to graduate from Harvard, attend medical school, become a doctor, get married, and have twins.

Then life happened. When I was 12 years old, my older sister passed away and who I was changed. Suddenly, I was the oldest and I began to struggle. I was trying to live the life of someone 5 years older than me while still trying to be myself. I experienced a lot of frustration and dreams I had for myself fell apart. The first dream being Harvard. I knew I was no longer Harvard material, but I applied anyways, and the rejection letter was the very real proof that I didn't get to plan my life. In college, at University of California Davis, I realized I wasn't going to become a doctor either. Alright, I haven't quite given up on becoming a doctor, but I aware that it is not going to happen any time soon, especially considering my ongoing struggle with chemistry. These lost dreams were not devastating, although they were disappointing, and I don't feel my life is any poorer for not achieving them. Not to mention, I don't know if things would have been any different, at least as far as the dreams go, if my sister were still here today.

I'm thinking about life stages and lost dreams now as I see most of the people my age (friends,  family, and coworkers) reaching or achieving life stages I imagined I would be at already. I think we, as a society, put a lot of pressure on people, especially women, to achieve certain things before they become a certain age. I see this especially when women are in their twenties and society expects them to be engaged, married, pregnant, or with children already. If you aren't at a certain stage then people give you a look of pity and say something along the lines, "You'll be there someday." It doesn't matter if you're hesitant because of the past, you don't want that life, or you are physically unable to achieve that life stage. 

If we judged our progress in life based on reaching life stages, especially when everyone else did, we would spend most of life feeling like a failure. Progress should be personal. If we struggle with patience and then endured a brutal meeting at work without losing our temper that should be progress and not whether we achieved a promotion at the same time as a coworker. When you look at life in terms of your own progress, rather than what everyone else is doing, you realize you're a success. This is especially helpful when you feel you're in the same boat as last year just with new people. It is nice to be able to say, "No, I'm not. I'm more patient or more forgiving. I'm stronger or more willing to be happy." Recognizing progress gives you the opportunity to give thanks to God and see prayers answered.

Joseph

In life we will encounter struggle and how we respond will become a testimony to the people around us. Tonight, I'm thinking about Joseph. Joseph experienced 3 major struggles that we know about: his brothers sold him into slavery, then he was thrown into prison falsely accused of seducing a powerful man's wife, and finally he was responsible for feeding an entire nation during a 7 year famine. At any point Joseph could have responded in anger, after all the situations were unfair, but instead he made the best of it and succeeded. We might not like our circumstances, but we should respond as children of God, maintaining a righteous life.

When struggle is upon us, our tendency as humans is to kick in our heels and complain how unfair it is. We throw our wait around and whine about the circumstances. As children we are taught that things should be made fair ("Share with your friends or siblings"), but the reality is life isn't fair. I could spend time thinking about how much better everything would be if life were fair, but it would be time wasted because I can't change how life works, only how I respond to it.  Accepting life isn't fair and that the situations we encounter won't necessarily be fair either will save us time.

Struggle is a part of life and it won't always be fair, but learning to withstand and live righteous lives will change how struggle affects us. Our ability to withstand is made possible by God's promise to work everything together for the good of those who love God. Struggle strengths our faith and builds endurance. Struggle is invaluable to our lives. Joseph knew this and endured all of his struggles without compromising his integrity. At the end of his struggles he was in a position of power, able to help others, and had grown wise enough to know the importance of forgiveness.

 

Joseph forgave his brothers, the very brothers who had sold him into slavery, and bestowed his wealth on him. If he had mistreated them, almost all would have understood, but he didn't. Instead he was merciful, forgiving, and kind to his brothers. Joseph's response is perfect, "Who am I? I am not God. You intended to do me harm, but God intended it for good." Vengeance belongs to God, the only one qualified to judge, and he is just. Further, the malicious actions and intentions of others can and are easily worked together for the good.

Forgiveness is hard. I spent the first 20 years of my life struggling to forgive. Then one day I decided I had carried the anger around long enough and I forgave the people who hurt me. Forgiveness benefited me the most and set my heart free. When I struggle to forgive someone I remember God, who is perfect, forgave me so how much more should I be willing to forgive others. Forgiveness isn't easy, but it is a choice you should make today.

Unconditional Love

A few days ago I was eating dinner with a friend and he said, "Did you know research has now shown love is conditional?" His question threw me off guard, rendering me temporarily speechless, because I believe true love is unconditional and reflect God's love for us. Today, his comment came to me again and I thought, "No, love is not conditional, but unconditional. Love is a choice." Love is very much a choice we make everyday. Yes, the initial stirrings of love are involuntary, but what remains after time and struggle is a choice. Every day you wake up and decide through your words and your actions that you will love that person. 

Back in September, I knew the one I loved was going to have a difficult weekend and I chose each moment to love him, to not be quick to anger, and to show him he was valued in my life. I will freely admit that weekend was not easy. There were a lot of thing that upset me and caused me pain, things that I could have justifiably been upset about, but I endured. At the end of the weekend he felt valued and I survived putting his needs first. I know I am not perfect and at times my love will fall short, but I also know each day it is a choice. There was a time when that weekend would not have been possible, when I would have felt the need to express that I was upset, and to demand my own way. Then I came across the Love Dare and decided to give it a try. I really enjoy reading the Love Dare as it takes you to the place where unconditional love is not only possible, but a desire in your heart through 40 dares over 40 days. Reading the Love Dare was eye opening and I have read it 4 times over the last 3 years. 

Each time I read through the book, completing the dares, I feel as if I learn something new and am able to recognize the growth in my life. Right now I am in this place where I feel my unconditional love is being tested and I am struggling to be happy for him when what makes him happy is causing me pain. There are times when love makes sacrifices, but if the sacrifice is going to have to endure then I would like to make the best of it. I don't want to be upset or unhappy. I just want to love this person the way God loves me. Our struggle is valuable to our outcome and I take joy in the struggle that makes my love more like Jesus' love for me. It isn't going to be easy, but God is working it together for my good.

Stuck

Knights Ferry is so beautiful and holds a special place in my heart. Last summer I spent a few weekends there rafting and then one night watching a meteor shower. Knights Ferry is remote and doesn't have the harsh glare of city lights. At night it is pitch black, but the stars shine so brightly. Knights Ferry is a good destination to get away, to be close to nature, and to be close to God. Not to mention there are a few old buildings that are interesting to look at, including the covered bridge that is now closed to cars. Today, I spent some time in Knights Ferry. I felt nostalgic and a bit sad. I was there for a funeral, but the sadness I felt went beyond the loss of the person.

Yet, here in this remote spot I found God. He was there as I struggled with my sadness and as two thoughts stayed focused in my mind. First, I thought it would be nice to be friends with the pastor who would perform my funeral. That way the things I said would be honest and heartfelt. I realize this is a strange thought to have at a funeral, but never-the-less it was the thought I had. Second, my mom's friend hugged her and sobbed, "It would have been easier if I didn't love him." This made me cry. I thought about the one I love, the one I spent so many wonderful times with in Knights Ferry, and I thought about restoration. I then cried because it seemed that everything had changed and that nothing would be returned. 

I feel at a stalemate and am lost as to how to become unstuck. I am fully feeling the loop I am in, endless. This "endless" loop is draining me and I don't know how to break free. I am stuck. Tonight, I have prayed over and over again for the next step. Oh God, show me the way, that I might break free. Oh how thankful I am for God's endless love and willingness to listen even as I pray the same prayer. 

Powerful Prayer

Tonight, I am sitting here and I don't really know where to begin. I spent most of today avoiding anything painful, which is a lot harder to do when your day has down time. I have been so exhausted, physically and mentally, that I needed a break from heartache and sadness. I believed I was in such a need of a break that I took matters into my own hands and gave myself one, as I actively avoided anything that might bring me pain or heartache. I know that I am not alone in wanting to avoid painful experiences, but I realized at the end of the day I limited myself from learning any lesson of truth that I needed to experience. As much I would like to learn lessons in comfort, the reality is many of our lessons are learned through struggle, loss, and pain. Painful experiences are necessary in life. When we are allowed the opportunity to struggle we are also given the opportunity to pray, to have faith, and to watch as God blesses us with various experiences of His divine truth. Today, I avoided the struggle and any truth I may have experienced is left for another day, but I have this new appreciation for the painful experiences I will have. 

Kelsey

I didn't really feel I missed anything today, from the perspective of socializing, but then I read an update on my friend's blog Discover Lent With Me and remembered today is the 2 year anniversary of her daughter's car accident. Her daughter and I are friends, having grown up together.  She survived and we are so very grateful. Her story is miraculous and in it I experienced so much truth, particularly the power of prayer. I have felt at times my prayers weren't being answered, but then I look at my friend and see so many prayers answered in her. On the brink of death she was brought back, her life restored, and all of these seemingly impossible things were made possible in her life. Doctors would say she couldn't and she would show them she could. Her journey during the accident was documented on a Facebook page Kelsey Warren, Train Master. Every night her friends, her family, and complete strangers would tune in for an update on Kelsey. We prayed together, offered thanks for the progress she was making, and provided encouragement to one another. This tragedy brought so many people together and together we were able to share in the progress Kelsey was making. 

Tonight, I was thinking about this shared period of life and the prayers I prayed nightly for my friend. I remember days when I was literally on my knees begging God to restore Kelsey's body. I was heartbroken for my friend, but was so inspired by her wonderful family, who never once complained. Sometimes we need to be reminded of the big prayers that were answered in our life, such as all of my answered prayers in the life of my friend Kelsey. Otherwise I think our hearts would become discouraged when we don't necessarily see the little prayers answered. I think that our little prayers are being answered too, but I think it is harder to recognize the answers because they are more subtle. I understand that all of our prayers feel big at the time we pray them, but often times they are a product of our circumstances. Either way prayer, all prayer, is powerful so just pray.

Loss In The Middle

"It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart." -Mockingjay (3rd book in the Hunger Games trilogy)

Recently, my friend shared this quote with me and reflected on how easy it would be to fall apart. I know how easy it is and having struggled to put myself back together, after a loss that occurred two years ago, I vowed to not let myself fall apart again. But vowing to not let yourself fall apart is the same as saying "never", it will likely happen at some point. In the last month I encountered another loss and have struggled to not fall apart, but yesterday I gave in. Yesterday, I was a mess and in no shape for anything. I laid in bed and cried, too drained to even pray and if I started to pray I didn't have the words. It was all I could take just to be and I ended up giving in to the sadness and to the tears. In the end I managed to say one prayer and that prayer gave me strength. That one prayer was a release of a day's worth of worry and with that I fell asleep.

I thought about not sharing this moment of falling apart, this time of weakness, but I decided to share this experience because everyone is going to experience struggle, loss (actual and symbolic), and a sense of being defeated. There are times in life when feeling this way is normal and healthy, but it is important to remember this isn't a place we should stay for very long. If we continue to push forward when our resources are limited we become drained and our bodies break down physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. The lesson I learned yesterday was that I need permission to feel, at least for a moment, the reality of my loss or I begin to believe I am weak for breaking down. It is in these moments that I also need to remember it is ok to put my needs first sometimes. A balance between the needs of others and our own needs is important or we become drained. Sometimes this can be difficult when we are naturally caregivers and view putting our needs first as selfish, but it is important to remember we are unable to help others if we are drained or our resources.

Today, I am feeling much better and renewed. A large part of this has to do with a friend's blog post on the "Middle". She talked about how much of life is lived in the middle, preparing us for the end, when we are suppose to be like Jesus. In the midst of a struggle it is always helpful to be reminded "this isn't the end," but she went on to imagine what the 30 years of Jesus' life were like before the end (the 3 years of His ministry). She imagined that there were probably errors He encountered in His human form and these errors shaped Him into the Jesus we know today. This is reassuring in light of yesterday, where I couldn't escape the feeling of being a failure or feeling defeated. There is comfort in the realization that this is my middle and each error I make or struggle I experience is preparing me for the end. I am a flower of God's, waiting to bloom, but first I must establish roots and then push through the soil into the light. Darkness is not meant to last forever and is always cast away at the first sign of light.

God's Plans Are Not Our Plans

When I am uncomfortable with a question asked of me, I have a tendency to give vague answers that barely resemble the truth. The answer I give isn't a lie, but it isn't honest either. The answer is somewhere in the gray area and prevents the person from understanding the truth. I do this to protect myself and to avoid judgement, but today I didn't. Today, I was asked a question that made me uncomfortable and instead of giving a vague answer I decided to answer honestly and even offered an elaboration to my original answer. I was surprised by the relief I felt in answering honestly. With this one person I didn't have to pretend I wasn't feeling the way I am. I wasn't judged and though the person ended the conversation, I was happy I had been honest. The lesson learned is honest answers prevent confusion and decrease the likelihood the person will accidentally say something to upset you.

I'll admit I was intrigued by the question asked me and I began to wonder the implications of the question. One implication in particular began to make me envision God's plan and I quickly stopped, remembering something I read yesterday. God's plans are not our plans and assuming we know God's plans leads to discouragement and disappointment. Moses thought he knew what God's plan was when He said, "I will harden Pharaoh's heart," but he didn't and became upset when his expectations weren't met. Moses came to God and expressed frustration, "Why have you brought this on me?" because he didn't understand God's plan. As I read this passage, I realized I have expressed this same frustration, disappointed when expectations weren't met. 

God's plans are not our plans. We cannot assume we know because His thoughts are not our thoughts. God is looking at the big picture while we are usually looking at the little picture of our current circumstances. Today, I am learning to focus on God's plan and not on my own. To do this I must focus on today, on the progress being made, and not on what may or may not happen tomorrow. Do not worry about tomorrow for the future is God's hands. 

Waiting

Today's lesson is about waiting; this became abundantly clear as I read the article "When God Makes You Wait." The article states "God could have healed Lazarus for 3 days, but waited until he had passed away" and went on to mention other men and the ways God made them wait. The point was God could have easily answered these men's prayers or eased their suffering, but chose to wait, sometimes up to 40 years. We shouldn't be discouraged when we have to wait, these men waited, and their prayers were answered in miraculous ways.

When God seems to be saying "No," it might be He is really saying "Not yet" or "I have a better yes for you." This is difficult when you feel your prayers are already being answered and then the answer is taken away. I don't know if God is saying "You're not ready yet" or promising to replace it with something better, but I do know each time we are made to wait our faith is being tested and strengthened. When we are dependent upon God we build spiritual muscle and are being perfected in our struggles.

Waiting is difficult. Praying the same prayer for years or crying the same tears can make it seem like God is no longer listening. Feeling all alone, where even God isn't answering, is heartbreaking, but it isn't reality. The reality is God loves you very much and is answering your prayers, but sometimes the answers to our prayers take time and we have to wait. I have found that after my prayers were finally answered I understood why I needed to wait for the answers, but even so I still struggle with waiting.

Especially right now, having so fully enjoyed an answered prayer only to have the answer removed from my life and given to someone else. I can't understand why my answer was taken away, I don't know if my answer will come back, and I am having difficulty processing these changes, but I know if God is asking me to wait it is for a reason. 

The Past

The past: that lost place that holds so many memories. Memories that bring tears to your eyes, memories that are too painful to even think about, and memories that bring such joy to your heart. Over the years I have been given a lot of advice about the past and how I should view it. The general opinion seems to be we should leave the past in the past and move forward with our lives. Yet, those who don't know their history are doomed to repeat it and I would have to agree. A certain amount of thought should be on the past, you should at least remember the actions you took and the results that happened, while the rest of your thoughts should be on the present as well as your future. The past is where I have learned so many of the lessons that have shaped me and where prayers were answered. The past, while sometimes painful, isn't necessarily a bad place to visit, just don't dwell there.

Today, I spent some time in the past, specifically thinking about the last year and it here that I found God. I can't say what exactly led me to this place, a specific event that happened 4 months ago, but here I was thinking of that event and how that event may have shaped my current circumstances. The more I thought about all of it, the more guilt I felt, and then I felt stupid because I don't even know if that guilt is justified. Ordinarily, guilt is an alarm your body gives you that alerts you to wrong doing, but sometimes it goes off when we recognize someone may feel bad. Sometimes we haven't done anything wrong and yet someone is hurt by our actions, or might be hurt, and we feel bad, although we didn't do anything wrong. I was thinking about my guilt, not knowing if it was justified, and watching television. The show I was watching  just happened to be on the same thought wave, funny how that happens, and was illustrating the importance of expressing yourself while proving it was necessary to think of others. Expressing yourself is healthy, but it is important to be mindful of others; specifically how our words and actions will affect them.

A few months ago I went out with a friend and we went out to dinner and then saw a movie. it was an enjoyable night and I thanked my freind publicly for a fun, much needed night out. I didn't think anything of expressing my graitude until today. Today, I realized this public expression of gratitude might have ended up hurting someone I love. Sometimes our actions have averse effects on the people around us and we don't always realize this until later. Words weren't expressed then so I don't know if I did hurt the one I love and I have no way of knowing now if it contributed to my current circumstances. This inability to know the consequences of my actions leaves my heart breeaking at the thought I may have hurt him and that all the hurt I now feel may have been prevented. Misunderstandings happen. That is why I value honest communication in all my relationships. If I hurt you then I want you to be able to tell me and to feel comfortable with expressing yourself to me. I imagine Jesus would feel the same way considering how often the religious leaders tried to trick him into sinning.

In this place of regret, wishing for honest communication and ultimately restoration, I needed to learn that it is all part of God's plan and therefore happened for a reason. This is a good place to focus since I can't change the past, although I still wish I could. Sometimes I just have to sit and pray the serenity prayer, unable to change my circumstances:

"God, grant me the serenity to accept what I can't change,
The courage to change what I can,
And the wisdom to tell the difference." 

Reflecting on last year, all of the wonderful experiences and people I met, made me regret my current circumstances since the people I had these experiences with were no longer available to me. I don't understand how to achieve the same results in different circumstances. This is difficult, but I think God wants me to fully realize what I want and don't want in my life. Only then can I make informed decisions about the people who remain in my life and the activities I participate in. I still struggle with what I want to repeat from the last year. This time of struggle, of removal, is providing clarity and I am determined to learn from it.

This Too Shall Pass

Today's lessons from God was difficult to learn and I'm beginning to realize sometimes we need to hear or receive the lesson multiple times. Change is inevitable, oh how I loathe that fact, and so to must be accepted. We have to learn to accept the changes around us and to adjust our lives accordingly. Now we don't have to like the change, but we do have to accept it as a reality or every reminder of the change is painful and feels like a punch to the kidneys. Right now I am in the middle of a change and I hate it, but I'm trying to remember this too shall pass. Maybe it will be the pain I feel or the maybe the circumstances causing the pain, only time will tell, but it will pass. 

Being able to accept this also means I have to trust God's supply to meet my needs. Today has been difficult to do so. I was overwhelmed by the pain, feeling all alone, and certain I couldn't keep doing it. Well I can't, but God can. He is perfectly capable of replenishing my needs and changing my attitude if I am willing to let go and trust Him. Tonight, at the end of a day that it took all I had to keep going. I know exactly what I need to pray for and that is comforting. Especially when I went through most of the day knowing if there was a lesson for me to learn and only just realized what God was trying to teach me a few minutes before beginning to write.

Which is another lesson worth learning: God does things on His timetable and not our's. This is a frustrating lesson to learn and to accept, but I have experienced it in such a way that I realize if things had happened on my timetable I wouldn't have been ready. We think we know best, we think we are prepared for God to answer our prayers, but when He does it is then we realize how unprepared we were and that God knew exactly how we needed to grow and change to be prepared.