Hello October

Today is the first day of October and it really is the signaling of a new season. Yes, fall technically starts in September, but for me it truly begins in October. Today is the start of a new month, a new season, and the opportunity for a new beginning. 

The last few months Lessons has been silent. The truth is that I reached a point where I felt stuck. The content I was writing and posting felt the same each time. I had been waiting for so long and I had reached this seemingly next level, but then my life just stayed there. A relationship was improved upon, but the truth was I wasn't really any closer to restoration and that can be a frustrating feeling. Even now, after so much has happened, I am still stuck in that place of waiting. Waiting for answers, waiting for restoration, and waiting for guidance. I am in this place where I have waited for so long that I am not sure I can trust everything I have believed up to this point. This is not about my faith. I don't want anyone to think that I am doubting my faith or my belief in my Lord and Savior. The doubt I have is my perception of an answer given to me when I prayed and fasted from communication. I believed the answer was a promise of restoration, but after almost 10 months I am not confident in that belief. 

A couple of weeks ago I was in Atlanta and leading up to Atlanta I had allowed myself to believe that this trip would be the answer, the realization of the promise of restoration. Atlanta was a disaster. The trip upset the relationship that was improving and has cast doubt in my heart about the reality of restoration. Earlier this week I was thinking about this trip and was overcome with emotion. I found myself on the verge of tears over the tearing down of Turner Field, which was the reason we made the trip to Atlanta, and I couldn't figure out the reason for my overwhelming emotions. Then it hit me. I was upset, not in losing Turner Field, but in the realization that I was being asked to say goodbye to this relationship with the person I love. Saying goodbye is never easy and it becomes all the harder when you realized you missed your opportunity to make it meaningful. If I had realized that Atlanta was a goodbye then I would have behaved very differently. I would  have tried harder to swallow the hurts and keep my emotions in check so that the final goodbye wasn't bitterness. 

The opportunity has passed and now comes the phase of acceptance. I say acceptance, but I'm not sure I can truly ever accept that restoration in this relationship is over. Acceptance is made more difficult when the next day you awake from dreams of a restored relationship. The truth is I am confused, probably more so than ever before. I think, and certainly my brain agrees, that my perception of a promise was misconstrued and that restoration is out of the question, but my heart holds on to the promise of love. Understandably, I cannot think long on this conflict without becoming frustrated and this is where October comes in. 

I am intending to use October as a new month and a new opportunity. My focus is going to shift from restoration and promises of restoration to areas of my life that I can control. The goal is to get unstuck and to grow without the fear of losing something. I cannot control what happens, but maybe shifting my focus will finally give God the opportunity to work in the relationship. Obviously, I  hope that He will decide restoration is the best option for the relationship and I will be able to write a post of thanksgiving that my season of waiting is over. But there remains the possibility that He might continue our separation and our lives will continue to drift apart. Either way, I need to let go and do my best to give up control. There is a lot of change on the horizon and I am hoping this change in focus will be a source of new lessons that I can share with you. 

Please pray for me as I embark on this new journey. Please seek God's wisdom in my life and ask Him to guide me as I make decisions. Thank you for your support and your prayers. If I can pray for you please leave your prayer requests in the comments below. 

Focus

This evening I spent some time reflecting on my journey so far and was reminded over and over again of my need to let go. Even now I am holding onto expectations and desires for my life. I am clearly seeing a plan and keep finding myself disappointed when my plan doesn't happen. It doesn't help that I am looking ahead, knowing what I want or need, and not knowing if it will be answered. I want to know and yet I know I don't get to know.

Today I am trying to change my focus and do the things I can control. I am taking all of my plans, my hopes, and my dreams and letting go. I am relinquishing control over the things I never really had control of to begin with. God knows the desires of my heart and He also knows my needs. Letting go allows me to rejoice for what I have as I have it rather than being disappointed for what I don't have. This isn't going to be easy. We, as humans, need to have a sense of control or we begin to feel anxious and insecure in our surroundings. I am not giving up control, but choosing to focus on what I can control  instead.

I began this shift in focus today. I looked at my environment and I didn't like what I saw so I spent the afternoon cleaning and organizing. I rid myself of the things that were making me overwhelmed and that no longer served a purpose in my life. There is still more to do, but tonight I am satisfied with the progress made. I also have control over what I eat, my budget, and my physical health. The results I see are based on my actions, I have control, and I am not consumed in disappointment because expectations weren't met.

Finally, my focus is shifted to living out God's will rather than anticipating His plans. I am able to read the Bible, know how I am suppose to live, and I have control over my actions. I will take care of my part, living according to God's will, and allow God to take care of His part, working everything together for the good of those who Him. I am ready to relinquish my control over to God.

Focus

The last few days I have felt like a zombie: too tired, too drained, and with entirely too much to do. When this happens I am able to focus on only one thing and everything else gets forgotten. A lot of time this happens at work and I forget my lunch on some shelf in a classroom, forcing myself to go back when I realize it. Or it happens where I am so focused on the worldly things that need to be done that I forget to return my focus to God. It isn't that I forget God, like I did my lunch, but that at the end of a long day I realize I missed what God was trying to teach me. 

Generally, focus isn't a a problem or at least this much of a problem. I enjoy connecting with God and seeing what He has planned for me in my day. I try to start my morning praying, find time to read a God Wants Me To Know message, read a friend's blog Discover Lent With Me on her own journey, and I end my day with gratitude, another God Wants Me To Know message, a daily devotional, scripture, and prayer. And in between? In between I pray. I talk to God like I would a friend because God is my friend. 

I am reminded of a children's song Jesus is My Best Friend. This is actually a song we are teaching the children for their Easter pageant next month, which is why the song has been in my head so much lately. Jesus is our friend and just like our other friendships we need to spend time with Him. Spending time with Him shouldn't be seen as an obligation, but a wonderful opportunity to get to know Him better. The best part of Jesus being our friend is that He is always there with us and we don't have to worry if He has time to listen.