40-Day Detox: 6 Day Update

Last weekend I laid out my plan for "detoxing" my life and refocusing on God's will for me. My plan includes living a healthier lifestyle, becoming more active, limiting unnecessary world influence, and spending more time with God daily. I am now 6 days into the 40-day detox and there is a lot of room for improvement. I created a tracker to keep track of the progress I made, the intention being that I would use it daily, but I haven't filled it out at all, which is indication enough that I could use improvement. This week has been crazy. I have been rushing this week to finish a project while also studying like crazy for a test that I had to take for work. So while I have still been trying to keep up with the detox plan, I haven't been keeping up with tracking each day's progress. 

This week I have been successful in spending less time on YouTube or watching TV and spending more time with God. I completed a  5-day devotional plan on the topic "When God Could Have, But He Didn't" in addition to the Bible reading and devotional I normally do every day. I was not successful in living a healthier lifestyle or being more active each day. I am hoping to improve on these aspects of my detox plan as I move into the second week. In order to ensure improvement on living a healthier lifestyle, I am implementing changes today, which include planning a healthier grocery list. I already meal prep my lunches for work most weeks, but I have noticed that if I don't have a lot of variety it is harder for me to eat my lunch without buying something else. Buying your lunch daily is not necessarily a bad thing, but for me the only options are expensive and not that healthy. I am still planning my lunches for this week, but if you want to see what I meal prep for my lunches, leave a comment below letting me know. 

My overall impressions of this first week of "detox" is that I need a lot of improvement in reaching my daily goals if I hope to see any progress at the end of 40 days. I have noticed a lot of bitterness in my heart about my circumstances and that bitterness is creating an awful attitude. This is not the way I want to live my life and I have been struggling a lot with my attitude this week. My general approach was that God has a lot of work to do during the 40 day detox, but the reality is that I have a lot of work to do. This isn't God's problem, but mine and I need to put in effort to fix it and then God can do what I am unable to do. 

I made some progress yesterday during my 2 hour drive to take a test for work. The radio station I usually listen to went to static after 45 minutes of driving and I was left in silence the rest of the drive. I only like silence when I am trying to sleep so it was a difficult transition for me, but I used the time to just talk to God. I spilled my heart out to Him as I drove on the freeway and when I reached my destination, I received my answer of sorts. Of course, an answer after a long period of silence is confusing, but again I spent my time alone to pray about the meaning and this morning I woke to a devotional email on the topic that God is Faithful to Keep His Promises. Silence is a good thing because it gives us time with God and it gives Him the quiet time He needs to give us an answer. Yes, He can answer us in the loud, chaotic times of our lives, but no one wants to shout to be heard. 

These last 6 days have not been very successful for me, but my experience over the last few days has reminded me that I need to renew my commitment. I need to work hard to improve in these areas that I have identified as in need of "detox". Transformation is not going to happen overnight, but I hope that next week I am able to share improvement on my way toward a more God-focused life. How is your journey going? Let me known in the comments below.

Praying Without Believing

This last week I have been drawn to and focused on the area of love. It started with God Wants You To Know messages about love and continued as I prayed for understanding during my time with God. The messages about love have continued and include, "Your task is not to seek for love, but to seek and melt all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it," as well as "love is a great investment". I haven't really been sure of what to make of all of it. Today, in an innocent, unguarded moment at work I was reminded of a memory of the one I love. The memory was so vivid that I felt all of the same feelings I had felt in the original moment, but this time I also felt sadness because it was gone. In truth I have struggled this week and I have prayed often about a next step. I'm not sure this is an answer, but my devotional today was about praying without believing. The message that we should pray, believing our prayers will be answered, and then preparing our life for the answer. If I want to love like God, if I want restoration, then I need to strengthen my weaknesses. 

S Scripture: "Do I bring to the moment of birth and not give delivery?" says the Lord. "Do I close up the womb when I bring to delivery?" says Your God." Isaiah 66:9

O Observation: God will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born. The pain of labor is rewarded with the birth of new life. In essence the pain we experience is "labor pains" and the outcome is "new life"; a blessing.

A Application: It is difficult for me to justify pain, especially my own pain, but I can't deny that pains of labor bring forth beautiful life. Right now my heart is in pain and I long for that "new life". I need to recognize the purpose of my pain and prepare my life for the new that is waiting to be born. 

P Prayer: God, I haven't known what I should do. All of these messages and all of my feelings have left me confused. My heart is in pain, but You are bringing forth new life. I ask that You would help me prepare to receive new life. In Your loving name, Amen

Hosea And Love's Faithfulness

I prayed about today. I asked for an indication of my hope, I desired to know if my hope was sound, but if what happened today is meant as an indication, then my hope is gone. It is over. The last few days, today included, have been hard on me and I have struggled to understand while sorting through the pieces of my broken heart. Honestly, I am still confused and if I gain understanding in one area, it falls apart in light of some other area. Tonight, not willing to feel this way anymore, I prayed a selfish prayer. I asked for my feelings towards the one I love to be removed from my heart. I added if he wasn't going to be a part of my life, but the sentiment was the same, I didn't want to feel this way anymore.

Then I began to read and I read about Hosea. For those who don't know, Hosea was a powerful man and God told him to marry a prostitute. Hosea and the prostitute, Gomer, had a life together, he loved her very much, but Gomer was unfaithful anyways. A time goes by and God tells Hosea to renew his love for Gomer. This time he had to purchase her from the slave's block. Now their story is meant as an example of God's own love for us, but the story was incorporated into a larger message about love being faithful.

I read this passage and felt God pointing out the words, "love is faithful even when love isn't returned." I had prayed my prayer, no longer wanting to be tied to this other person, and God showed me He had no intention of answering that prayer. The love I feel in my heart, though it gives me pain, is meant to stay. Love is faithful. Love loves even when love isn't returned. There were the words, written in black and white, that showed the sacrifice I was expected to make. The sacrifice being the continued feelings of heartache I will still have. 

I don't know the purpose of this, but I can't deny God wants me to keep loving. It kind of fits with this morning though, when I told the one I love that I loved him, knowing that he wouldn't respond or return the love in any way. Sometimes the words are more their benefit, even if you don't see the results, than for our own. I didn't need him to tell me he loved me, although it is always nice to hear I love you.

Tears, Fear, and Prayers

Last night was wonderful, which is why today has been so confusing. Restoration seemed not only possible, but inevitable and I became afraid. Suddenly, I had something to lose again and not talking about where we were or what we wanted left me unsure of what had happened. Today, I was very emotional and I cried a lot because of fear. I remembered last night, the last 24 hours of praying continuously, and watching my prayers being answered in unexpected ways.

In my tears and my fear, I prayed and I prayed some more. I wanted instant results, I was very sad, but God's timing is perfect and I continued to pray and wait. It took all day and into the evening before I saw my prayers answered. Nothing happened specifically, but casual conversation reassured me. I know God is teaching me to wait, to be patient, and to relay on Him for answers to my prayers. Today has shown me what I need and I am learning to trust God more and more. His plan for me is perfect and better than I could ever imagine. 

Gratitude

We are quick to pray when something goes wrong, quick to be angry or upset by unfair circumstances, and quick to criticize when life doesn't happen the way we wanted. But are we equally quick to pray when things go right, quick to give praise, and quick to acknowledge God's plan is best? In life, we will have sorrows and joy and we should pray often in both circumstances, with a joyful heart. I have been bad about this. I have a tendency to pray quickly when I need something, but delay giving thanks. It isn't intentional, but nevertheless I should be mindful of my gratitude. 

Tonight I have so much to be grateful for, in addition to the blessings God has already given me. I am grateful for a friend's encouragement and faith in my abilities. His encouragement led me to order the part and fix my computer by myself. It worked. I am grateful for a perfect score in the first class I have taken towards my graduate certificate in child life. I am grateful I was able to pay off another student loan. There are now only 3 left (there were originally 5). I am so very grateful for God's blessings.

I realize to non-believers my gratitude seems to be attributed to my own abilities rather than God's blessings. Yet, all of my abilities are directly from God and His influence in my life. God is more than willing to bless us, but sometimes He requires us to use our gifts to fulfill His blessings in our life. I didn't just get an A in my class. I worked every  week to stay on top of my assigned reading, attend class, and finish my assignments on time. I used God's gifts and worked hard to do well in my class. This is equally true when it comes to paying off another student loan. I used money saving principles taught to me by God to save money, budget, and establish a repayment plan that worked for me. God blessed me with few expenses and a good job that has made repayment easier.

Be grateful for all you have, pray often, and don't assume God will do it all, He desires your participation in life.

Needs

Today, I just sat there, unsure of what God was trying to show me, and prayed the thoughts that stuck out to me. There was frustration over a child not listening, testing the rules and my ability or willingness to enforce them, and frustration over selfishness, a lack of compassion for living things that depended upon us. This continued into why things happen to certain people or groups of people: the people who make up the royal family or why God set the Levites apart. I sat there and vented, asked my questions, and then stated my desires, which in this case meant dealing with people without becoming frustrated. 

I then sat there and mediated, allowing God to speak to me. I listened, but the only thing I could hear was my growling stomach. It was nearly 11 at night and I hadn't eaten nearly enough. As I made myself a sandwich, I realized God was speaking to me, He was telling me I needed to take care of myself. Just like He had to do with Elijah the prophet (1 Kings 19). God sent His angel to him to give him food and drink before instructing him to sleep. God is there taking care of us even when we forget. 

Focus

The last few days I have felt like a zombie: too tired, too drained, and with entirely too much to do. When this happens I am able to focus on only one thing and everything else gets forgotten. A lot of time this happens at work and I forget my lunch on some shelf in a classroom, forcing myself to go back when I realize it. Or it happens where I am so focused on the worldly things that need to be done that I forget to return my focus to God. It isn't that I forget God, like I did my lunch, but that at the end of a long day I realize I missed what God was trying to teach me. 

Generally, focus isn't a a problem or at least this much of a problem. I enjoy connecting with God and seeing what He has planned for me in my day. I try to start my morning praying, find time to read a God Wants Me To Know message, read a friend's blog Discover Lent With Me on her own journey, and I end my day with gratitude, another God Wants Me To Know message, a daily devotional, scripture, and prayer. And in between? In between I pray. I talk to God like I would a friend because God is my friend. 

I am reminded of a children's song Jesus is My Best Friend. This is actually a song we are teaching the children for their Easter pageant next month, which is why the song has been in my head so much lately. Jesus is our friend and just like our other friendships we need to spend time with Him. Spending time with Him shouldn't be seen as an obligation, but a wonderful opportunity to get to know Him better. The best part of Jesus being our friend is that He is always there with us and we don't have to worry if He has time to listen. 

Progress

Life seems to happen in stages (birth, childhood, adolescence, college, marriage, children, retirement, and death) and we all have plan for our life at each of these stages, even when we shouldn't. I am a planner and I always have been. My entire childhood I knew exactly how each life stage would turn out. In the 5th grade I even wrote a short story about my plan as I looked through a magic mirror at various stages of my life. In short, I was going to graduate from Harvard, attend medical school, become a doctor, get married, and have twins.

Then life happened. When I was 12 years old, my older sister passed away and who I was changed. Suddenly, I was the oldest and I began to struggle. I was trying to live the life of someone 5 years older than me while still trying to be myself. I experienced a lot of frustration and dreams I had for myself fell apart. The first dream being Harvard. I knew I was no longer Harvard material, but I applied anyways, and the rejection letter was the very real proof that I didn't get to plan my life. In college, at University of California Davis, I realized I wasn't going to become a doctor either. Alright, I haven't quite given up on becoming a doctor, but I aware that it is not going to happen any time soon, especially considering my ongoing struggle with chemistry. These lost dreams were not devastating, although they were disappointing, and I don't feel my life is any poorer for not achieving them. Not to mention, I don't know if things would have been any different, at least as far as the dreams go, if my sister were still here today.

I'm thinking about life stages and lost dreams now as I see most of the people my age (friends,  family, and coworkers) reaching or achieving life stages I imagined I would be at already. I think we, as a society, put a lot of pressure on people, especially women, to achieve certain things before they become a certain age. I see this especially when women are in their twenties and society expects them to be engaged, married, pregnant, or with children already. If you aren't at a certain stage then people give you a look of pity and say something along the lines, "You'll be there someday." It doesn't matter if you're hesitant because of the past, you don't want that life, or you are physically unable to achieve that life stage. 

If we judged our progress in life based on reaching life stages, especially when everyone else did, we would spend most of life feeling like a failure. Progress should be personal. If we struggle with patience and then endured a brutal meeting at work without losing our temper that should be progress and not whether we achieved a promotion at the same time as a coworker. When you look at life in terms of your own progress, rather than what everyone else is doing, you realize you're a success. This is especially helpful when you feel you're in the same boat as last year just with new people. It is nice to be able to say, "No, I'm not. I'm more patient or more forgiving. I'm stronger or more willing to be happy." Recognizing progress gives you the opportunity to give thanks to God and see prayers answered.

Stuck

Knights Ferry is so beautiful and holds a special place in my heart. Last summer I spent a few weekends there rafting and then one night watching a meteor shower. Knights Ferry is remote and doesn't have the harsh glare of city lights. At night it is pitch black, but the stars shine so brightly. Knights Ferry is a good destination to get away, to be close to nature, and to be close to God. Not to mention there are a few old buildings that are interesting to look at, including the covered bridge that is now closed to cars. Today, I spent some time in Knights Ferry. I felt nostalgic and a bit sad. I was there for a funeral, but the sadness I felt went beyond the loss of the person.

Yet, here in this remote spot I found God. He was there as I struggled with my sadness and as two thoughts stayed focused in my mind. First, I thought it would be nice to be friends with the pastor who would perform my funeral. That way the things I said would be honest and heartfelt. I realize this is a strange thought to have at a funeral, but never-the-less it was the thought I had. Second, my mom's friend hugged her and sobbed, "It would have been easier if I didn't love him." This made me cry. I thought about the one I love, the one I spent so many wonderful times with in Knights Ferry, and I thought about restoration. I then cried because it seemed that everything had changed and that nothing would be returned. 

I feel at a stalemate and am lost as to how to become unstuck. I am fully feeling the loop I am in, endless. This "endless" loop is draining me and I don't know how to break free. I am stuck. Tonight, I have prayed over and over again for the next step. Oh God, show me the way, that I might break free. Oh how thankful I am for God's endless love and willingness to listen even as I pray the same prayer. 

Powerful Prayer

Tonight, I am sitting here and I don't really know where to begin. I spent most of today avoiding anything painful, which is a lot harder to do when your day has down time. I have been so exhausted, physically and mentally, that I needed a break from heartache and sadness. I believed I was in such a need of a break that I took matters into my own hands and gave myself one, as I actively avoided anything that might bring me pain or heartache. I know that I am not alone in wanting to avoid painful experiences, but I realized at the end of the day I limited myself from learning any lesson of truth that I needed to experience. As much I would like to learn lessons in comfort, the reality is many of our lessons are learned through struggle, loss, and pain. Painful experiences are necessary in life. When we are allowed the opportunity to struggle we are also given the opportunity to pray, to have faith, and to watch as God blesses us with various experiences of His divine truth. Today, I avoided the struggle and any truth I may have experienced is left for another day, but I have this new appreciation for the painful experiences I will have. 

Kelsey

I didn't really feel I missed anything today, from the perspective of socializing, but then I read an update on my friend's blog Discover Lent With Me and remembered today is the 2 year anniversary of her daughter's car accident. Her daughter and I are friends, having grown up together.  She survived and we are so very grateful. Her story is miraculous and in it I experienced so much truth, particularly the power of prayer. I have felt at times my prayers weren't being answered, but then I look at my friend and see so many prayers answered in her. On the brink of death she was brought back, her life restored, and all of these seemingly impossible things were made possible in her life. Doctors would say she couldn't and she would show them she could. Her journey during the accident was documented on a Facebook page Kelsey Warren, Train Master. Every night her friends, her family, and complete strangers would tune in for an update on Kelsey. We prayed together, offered thanks for the progress she was making, and provided encouragement to one another. This tragedy brought so many people together and together we were able to share in the progress Kelsey was making. 

Tonight, I was thinking about this shared period of life and the prayers I prayed nightly for my friend. I remember days when I was literally on my knees begging God to restore Kelsey's body. I was heartbroken for my friend, but was so inspired by her wonderful family, who never once complained. Sometimes we need to be reminded of the big prayers that were answered in our life, such as all of my answered prayers in the life of my friend Kelsey. Otherwise I think our hearts would become discouraged when we don't necessarily see the little prayers answered. I think that our little prayers are being answered too, but I think it is harder to recognize the answers because they are more subtle. I understand that all of our prayers feel big at the time we pray them, but often times they are a product of our circumstances. Either way prayer, all prayer, is powerful so just pray.

Loss In The Middle

"It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart." -Mockingjay (3rd book in the Hunger Games trilogy)

Recently, my friend shared this quote with me and reflected on how easy it would be to fall apart. I know how easy it is and having struggled to put myself back together, after a loss that occurred two years ago, I vowed to not let myself fall apart again. But vowing to not let yourself fall apart is the same as saying "never", it will likely happen at some point. In the last month I encountered another loss and have struggled to not fall apart, but yesterday I gave in. Yesterday, I was a mess and in no shape for anything. I laid in bed and cried, too drained to even pray and if I started to pray I didn't have the words. It was all I could take just to be and I ended up giving in to the sadness and to the tears. In the end I managed to say one prayer and that prayer gave me strength. That one prayer was a release of a day's worth of worry and with that I fell asleep.

I thought about not sharing this moment of falling apart, this time of weakness, but I decided to share this experience because everyone is going to experience struggle, loss (actual and symbolic), and a sense of being defeated. There are times in life when feeling this way is normal and healthy, but it is important to remember this isn't a place we should stay for very long. If we continue to push forward when our resources are limited we become drained and our bodies break down physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. The lesson I learned yesterday was that I need permission to feel, at least for a moment, the reality of my loss or I begin to believe I am weak for breaking down. It is in these moments that I also need to remember it is ok to put my needs first sometimes. A balance between the needs of others and our own needs is important or we become drained. Sometimes this can be difficult when we are naturally caregivers and view putting our needs first as selfish, but it is important to remember we are unable to help others if we are drained or our resources.

Today, I am feeling much better and renewed. A large part of this has to do with a friend's blog post on the "Middle". She talked about how much of life is lived in the middle, preparing us for the end, when we are suppose to be like Jesus. In the midst of a struggle it is always helpful to be reminded "this isn't the end," but she went on to imagine what the 30 years of Jesus' life were like before the end (the 3 years of His ministry). She imagined that there were probably errors He encountered in His human form and these errors shaped Him into the Jesus we know today. This is reassuring in light of yesterday, where I couldn't escape the feeling of being a failure or feeling defeated. There is comfort in the realization that this is my middle and each error I make or struggle I experience is preparing me for the end. I am a flower of God's, waiting to bloom, but first I must establish roots and then push through the soil into the light. Darkness is not meant to last forever and is always cast away at the first sign of light.

Waiting

Today's lesson is about waiting; this became abundantly clear as I read the article "When God Makes You Wait." The article states "God could have healed Lazarus for 3 days, but waited until he had passed away" and went on to mention other men and the ways God made them wait. The point was God could have easily answered these men's prayers or eased their suffering, but chose to wait, sometimes up to 40 years. We shouldn't be discouraged when we have to wait, these men waited, and their prayers were answered in miraculous ways.

When God seems to be saying "No," it might be He is really saying "Not yet" or "I have a better yes for you." This is difficult when you feel your prayers are already being answered and then the answer is taken away. I don't know if God is saying "You're not ready yet" or promising to replace it with something better, but I do know each time we are made to wait our faith is being tested and strengthened. When we are dependent upon God we build spiritual muscle and are being perfected in our struggles.

Waiting is difficult. Praying the same prayer for years or crying the same tears can make it seem like God is no longer listening. Feeling all alone, where even God isn't answering, is heartbreaking, but it isn't reality. The reality is God loves you very much and is answering your prayers, but sometimes the answers to our prayers take time and we have to wait. I have found that after my prayers were finally answered I understood why I needed to wait for the answers, but even so I still struggle with waiting.

Especially right now, having so fully enjoyed an answered prayer only to have the answer removed from my life and given to someone else. I can't understand why my answer was taken away, I don't know if my answer will come back, and I am having difficulty processing these changes, but I know if God is asking me to wait it is for a reason.