Praying Without Believing

This last week I have been drawn to and focused on the area of love. It started with God Wants You To Know messages about love and continued as I prayed for understanding during my time with God. The messages about love have continued and include, "Your task is not to seek for love, but to seek and melt all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it," as well as "love is a great investment". I haven't really been sure of what to make of all of it. Today, in an innocent, unguarded moment at work I was reminded of a memory of the one I love. The memory was so vivid that I felt all of the same feelings I had felt in the original moment, but this time I also felt sadness because it was gone. In truth I have struggled this week and I have prayed often about a next step. I'm not sure this is an answer, but my devotional today was about praying without believing. The message that we should pray, believing our prayers will be answered, and then preparing our life for the answer. If I want to love like God, if I want restoration, then I need to strengthen my weaknesses. 

S Scripture: "Do I bring to the moment of birth and not give delivery?" says the Lord. "Do I close up the womb when I bring to delivery?" says Your God." Isaiah 66:9

O Observation: God will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born. The pain of labor is rewarded with the birth of new life. In essence the pain we experience is "labor pains" and the outcome is "new life"; a blessing.

A Application: It is difficult for me to justify pain, especially my own pain, but I can't deny that pains of labor bring forth beautiful life. Right now my heart is in pain and I long for that "new life". I need to recognize the purpose of my pain and prepare my life for the new that is waiting to be born. 

P Prayer: God, I haven't known what I should do. All of these messages and all of my feelings have left me confused. My heart is in pain, but You are bringing forth new life. I ask that You would help me prepare to receive new life. In Your loving name, Amen

Love

I don't really know where to begin today. There is longing in my heart and I don't know if I am being told to hold on or to let go. Both of God Wants You To Know messages were about love so a part of me believes that today's lesson is about love. The first message was:

"a successful relationship requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. Always with the same person, but deeper and deeper every time. Each time on a whole new level you together open in love and discover the truth of your beloved anew. There is no limit to the beauty of your beloved. If you think you've reached the end, stop generalizing."

The second message was, "what we need is love without effort. Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary. Real love is simple, everyday kind of thing. A smile, a hug, an encouragement. Continuous love without effort." I don't know what it means to my life or to today, but I can't escape the feeling that God wants me to learn something about love. So I've taken note of these messages and I've decided I'll just ask God tomorrow, during our scheduled time together, when we won't be interrupted. 

Coffee With God

Desire has been on the forefront of my mind. The feelings in my heart are winning over the logical thoughts in my brain. I know I shouldn't, I know I should just let go, but I can't. There is nothing sinful about my desire (restoration to the one I love), but the reality is that it isn't a reality and I'm not sure it ever will be. I know and yet I hang on because love endures all. I don't know any other way. I don't know if I should take this as a sign or not, but today's God Wants You To Know was, "If you desire something, offer something. Offerings can come in many forms: a gift, a prayer, a smile, flowers, food. Offer something from your heart." 

Honestly, I didn't know what to think because it felt a bit like a bribe. Biblically, people would offer sacrifices, burnt offerings, or grain offerings that God would bless their lives or to pray specifically for something. Logically an offering made sense, but it still felt like I was trying to bribe God. I prayed anyways. I prayed and said, "God, I want to make You happy. If I offer you anything I want it to be pleasing. What would make You happy?" My prayer was less about an offering for a desire and more an offering as a thanks to God for all that He has done in my life. As I finished my prayer, placed upon my heart was the thought, "time with you," and so I have made a commitment to schedule time with God without any distractions. I literally scheduled God into my weekly planner with the note Coffee with God. What I was offering was not a bribe, but a commitment to improving my exiting relationship with God. 

This commitment of time with God without distractions felt so promising in my heart that I actually scheduled two days in my week to have coffee with God. I plan on documenting my coffee dates with God that I would be able to reflect on all that I have learned from Him. If you have experienced a period of staleness in your life, when it seems that nothing is happening (good or bad), and you desire so much then I suggest you start scheduling God into your life. I will admit that this sounds a little strange, after all God is always with us, but there is a difference when you actively commit to spending time with Him and are purposeful about removing distractions. A few months ago I talked about how I stay focused on God by praying throughout the day along with scripture reading etc., but there is always the possibility of that time being interrupted with distractions. Scheduling time with God means that you are removing the distractions from your presence and telling God, "I'm here with you. No distractions, just You and me."

Greatest Rewards

"What you are most afraid of is where your greatest rewards are," God Wants You To Know. This is the message I woke up to and I have to admit that it fits with this week. The last few days I have been plagued by fear and anxiety about today. Today was the day of the dreaded appointment, the appointment that held the potential to dramatically change my life, and the appointment that seemed like a key to solving many other problems I was facing. The importance of this appointment led to fear over the outcome and anxiety about not being ready or prepared enough for a successful outcome. I have prayed almost continuously the last few days about today.

Today's God Wants You To Know Message had perfect timing. The reason I was afraid was because I knew the rewards available and I desperately needed them in my life. Unfortunately, realizing your need for something doesn't mean God is necessarily going to provide for your need in the way you want or expect it to be answered. This is what leads to my fear and to my anxiety about the outcome: my focus is very specific to how the outcome meets my need rather than on the belief my need will be met. 

This morning's reaction to the appointment, prior to the outcome, showed me this is an area of real struggle. The other messages I was bombarded with suddenly made sense. The Facebook page for God's Daily Women had posted several images of Bible verses and other inspirational messages about God's truth. The messages seemed to alternate between asking/trusting God for whatever we needed and His presence during our struggles. Perhaps this morning, as I read these posts, these other messages were meant as encouragement for what lay ahead. Regardless of the appointment's outcome God would be there and that I should focus on that truth rather than on the outcome itself.

The appointment was a success, the burden has been lifted, but what I learned the most was changing my focus and not allowing the potential outcome to have such a negative impact on my physical and mental health. There was no reason for today's anxiety and fear. God held the outcome in His hand.

Not Ready

Today has been interesting: a lot of things that don't make sense or are just out of the blue have happened. Today, when my thoughts weren't on trying to make sense of the things that had happened, they were on feelings of not being ready. Over and over again, throughout the day, I repeated, "I'm not ready." There wasn't exactly anxiety, but an uncomfortable feeling. Hesitation must have been on my heart because both God Wants Me To Know Messages were on timing. 

The first was "There is a right time," and referred to doing things according to our natural rhythm. The second was "Now is the right time," and was about this moment being the exact moment God wanted me in. The last few days I have struggled with this and I can't help, but believe God is trying very hard for me to be in this moment with Him and to just trust His plan. I might not know about tomorrow or the outcome of events or choices I have made, but I know that I am where God wants me to be and that is enough. It is enough to know that I haven't ventured off the path and I am right where I need to be.

Focus

The last few days I have felt like a zombie: too tired, too drained, and with entirely too much to do. When this happens I am able to focus on only one thing and everything else gets forgotten. A lot of time this happens at work and I forget my lunch on some shelf in a classroom, forcing myself to go back when I realize it. Or it happens where I am so focused on the worldly things that need to be done that I forget to return my focus to God. It isn't that I forget God, like I did my lunch, but that at the end of a long day I realize I missed what God was trying to teach me. 

Generally, focus isn't a a problem or at least this much of a problem. I enjoy connecting with God and seeing what He has planned for me in my day. I try to start my morning praying, find time to read a God Wants Me To Know message, read a friend's blog Discover Lent With Me on her own journey, and I end my day with gratitude, another God Wants Me To Know message, a daily devotional, scripture, and prayer. And in between? In between I pray. I talk to God like I would a friend because God is my friend. 

I am reminded of a children's song Jesus is My Best Friend. This is actually a song we are teaching the children for their Easter pageant next month, which is why the song has been in my head so much lately. Jesus is our friend and just like our other friendships we need to spend time with Him. Spending time with Him shouldn't be seen as an obligation, but a wonderful opportunity to get to know Him better. The best part of Jesus being our friend is that He is always there with us and we don't have to worry if He has time to listen.