Hello October

Today is the first day of October and it really is the signaling of a new season. Yes, fall technically starts in September, but for me it truly begins in October. Today is the start of a new month, a new season, and the opportunity for a new beginning. 

The last few months Lessons has been silent. The truth is that I reached a point where I felt stuck. The content I was writing and posting felt the same each time. I had been waiting for so long and I had reached this seemingly next level, but then my life just stayed there. A relationship was improved upon, but the truth was I wasn't really any closer to restoration and that can be a frustrating feeling. Even now, after so much has happened, I am still stuck in that place of waiting. Waiting for answers, waiting for restoration, and waiting for guidance. I am in this place where I have waited for so long that I am not sure I can trust everything I have believed up to this point. This is not about my faith. I don't want anyone to think that I am doubting my faith or my belief in my Lord and Savior. The doubt I have is my perception of an answer given to me when I prayed and fasted from communication. I believed the answer was a promise of restoration, but after almost 10 months I am not confident in that belief. 

A couple of weeks ago I was in Atlanta and leading up to Atlanta I had allowed myself to believe that this trip would be the answer, the realization of the promise of restoration. Atlanta was a disaster. The trip upset the relationship that was improving and has cast doubt in my heart about the reality of restoration. Earlier this week I was thinking about this trip and was overcome with emotion. I found myself on the verge of tears over the tearing down of Turner Field, which was the reason we made the trip to Atlanta, and I couldn't figure out the reason for my overwhelming emotions. Then it hit me. I was upset, not in losing Turner Field, but in the realization that I was being asked to say goodbye to this relationship with the person I love. Saying goodbye is never easy and it becomes all the harder when you realized you missed your opportunity to make it meaningful. If I had realized that Atlanta was a goodbye then I would have behaved very differently. I would  have tried harder to swallow the hurts and keep my emotions in check so that the final goodbye wasn't bitterness. 

The opportunity has passed and now comes the phase of acceptance. I say acceptance, but I'm not sure I can truly ever accept that restoration in this relationship is over. Acceptance is made more difficult when the next day you awake from dreams of a restored relationship. The truth is I am confused, probably more so than ever before. I think, and certainly my brain agrees, that my perception of a promise was misconstrued and that restoration is out of the question, but my heart holds on to the promise of love. Understandably, I cannot think long on this conflict without becoming frustrated and this is where October comes in. 

I am intending to use October as a new month and a new opportunity. My focus is going to shift from restoration and promises of restoration to areas of my life that I can control. The goal is to get unstuck and to grow without the fear of losing something. I cannot control what happens, but maybe shifting my focus will finally give God the opportunity to work in the relationship. Obviously, I  hope that He will decide restoration is the best option for the relationship and I will be able to write a post of thanksgiving that my season of waiting is over. But there remains the possibility that He might continue our separation and our lives will continue to drift apart. Either way, I need to let go and do my best to give up control. There is a lot of change on the horizon and I am hoping this change in focus will be a source of new lessons that I can share with you. 

Please pray for me as I embark on this new journey. Please seek God's wisdom in my life and ask Him to guide me as I make decisions. Thank you for your support and your prayers. If I can pray for you please leave your prayer requests in the comments below. 

November Challenge: Day 15

Today is the 15th, which means I am officially half-way through this month of intentional gratitude and you are too if you have decided to enter into this journey with me. I know that I have started a few of these posts by stating something negative or critical about my life or day, but I believe doing this helps you to fully understand why an ordinary aspect of life is truly a blessing. I'm not trying to encourage complaining, but to practice the skill of refocusing your thoughts to see the positive. Taking a complaint and turning it into a blessing is challenge, but this practice cultivates a more grateful heart. A perfect example of this can be found in today's blessing.

Last night I was up most of the night and wasn't feeling well. Part of not feeling well has been my battle with acid reflux nearly every night, which has become an ongoing battle over these last few months. I am woke up from the painful, burning sensation in my chest and forced to stay awake until the acid decides to return to my stomach. Medication hasn't seemed to help and I am hoping this new nightly trend will disappear soon. I mention this nightly battle because when I have a particularly bad night then I usually wake up in the morning irritated, a natural side effect of not getting enough sleep.  I'm not trying to justify starting your morning irritated, but I think it is important to remember that a good night of sleep is going to dramatically affect your day. 

When I did wake up and manage to start my day, it was to a series of questions and complaints about my method of running a household, which I was only doing as part of helping my mom recover after her surgery. My own needs and concerns I already have over running my own life is of no matter to this other set of lives. There was a fight. Isn't there always one? And I just left the situation really frustrated. I am doing my mom a favor and outside of my mom, everyone is capable of taking care of themselves. The fact that I am handling everything my mom typically handles is a favor to her and not because the other parties are unable to do these things themselves. Needless to say I left this argument frustrated and really upset at the absolute selfishness being displayed. I was hurt by the condescending tone and implication about my ability to run a household. 

This moment is one of those moments when my heart is full, I'm weary from sadness and frustration, but I don't do anything. By anything, I mean that I didn't pray about it or give it over to God. Honestly, I just let it sit there and allow it to consume my morning. Yet, in this moment God saw my heart full of hurt and the tears not yet shed and He read these as if they were the words in a prayer. Prayer is important, it is in prayer that God reveals His heart to us, but in those moments when we can't pray He is there too and He hears the prayers we are unable to pray. He hears those unspoken prayers just as loudly as the prayers that we speak and He answers our prayers in every form that they are given.

It wasn't even 30 minutes later and God had answered the prayer I hadn't even prayed. This morning's fight had been about food because though I had gone grocery shopping I hadn't bought extra food beyond what was needed for meals. The cupboards weren't bear, but the food that was there was not what was wanted and I had made clear that the food bought for meals wasn't to be touched, in essence it was being saved for a lunch or a dinner. I don't have the time to run around buying more groceries every day because someone wanted a snack. Hence my frustration. Anyways, after this argument my mom's employer stopped by our house with two bags of groceries. He had went to the store and bought us a meal (rotisserie chicken, scalloped potatoes, a loaf of bread, two salads, and a cake). No one had asked him to do this and as far as I know my mom hasn't talked to him since her surgery a few days ago. We didn't ask, but God had prompted his heart to recognize a need that wasn't being shown. I say need because those groceries smoothed over a roughness in the morning and not an actual need since there were groceries. 

When I opened the bag of groceries and put away the food, my heart was overwhelmed with gratitude. Gratitude for God answering a prayer I hadn't prayed for and reminding me He does answer all of my prayers. Gratitude for my mom's employer, who cared enough about her well-being that he addressed a potential need without being asked. His generosity is a reminder of how we should be loving others. Most people aren't going to ask you to do something for them and are probably going to waive your verbal attempts to help, but that doesn't mean they don't need help or have a need. Loving others means that we need to recognize another's needs without them having to tell us or relying on them to ask. It doesn't mean asserting your presence, but in acting with love in the least aggressive way. This might mean dropping off food without assuming an invitation into their homes or lives, an unexpected gesture of love and kindness. I'm not discouraging a visit with a person, but suggesting that there are times when a person isn't up for a visit, such as after a death or while recovering. In these moments we can show love and compassion without necessarily being present. 

Today, amid chaos and disorder, there was an answer to a prayer and a reminder that we are deeply loved. We are loved by God, who answers all our prayers, ever those prayers we haven't prayed in words. We are loved by others, who express their love in those moments of unexpected kindness. The truth is that even in our seemingly worst moments we have much to be grateful for and it is our responsibility to recognize our blessings, cultivating a grateful heart. My heart is grateful and there is peace. What are you thankful for today?

November Challenge: Day 4

Happy Wednesday! I am thankful it is half-way through my work week. I am also happy that the weather has dramatically cooled down since last week. It is amazing the difference a few days can make on something. This is a helpful truth to remember when we are looking on our circumstances. A day can change anything from the weather to your own unique circumstances. In a day you can lose everything or gain the whole world. This is a scary thought to me, but it is also a comforting thought because our circumstances are not the end and this is a reality that we should all be thankful for. This year has been a year of difficult circumstances, tremendous change, and general upheaval in my life. If you have read my blog from the beginning than you are familiar with my hardships and if not, well than you are likely familiar with your own hardships. Today I spent time reflecting on my present circumstances and just how much has happened in this year, including every moment of sadness and every moment of joy. 

Our matching stamps from an aquarium trip

It is in this remembrance of the moments that brought me joy that I find today's blessing. Today I am thankful for the one I love, the one who can always make me laugh, and who makes my heart skip a beat every time I am with him. There have been plenty of moments that have brought me heartache, especially this year, but he can always bring a smile to my face and I am grateful for him. I love that I can be in a serious mood and he can look at me, say something random, and I can enter into that moment with him laughing. Yes, there are times when that random word or phrase is distracting and counterproductive to our conversation, but I am grateful that he knows the importance of not taking himself seriously. 

 With all of our ups and downs, I am grateful for the one who makes me laugh. What are you thankful for today?

Love Promotes Intimacy

S scripture: "He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends." Proverbs 17:9

O observation: Love promotes intimacy. We are born into life with a hunger to be known, to be loved, and to be accepted. We want people to recognize who we are and to value us for it. Someone who knows us in this way has the power to love us at great depths or to wound us in unrecoverable ways. Love covers an offense and provides safety to the one's we love. Love is the shelter for our loved ones' secrets. If we promote shame instead then we create uneasiness and separate close relationships. Love covers over an offense.

A application: I haven't always protected the secrets of loved ones. I have allowed a desire for discussion to lead me to spill information that was a secret. The information led to feelings of shame and distrust. That isn't love. Love covers an offense and keeps secrets, except those that would lead to harm. I choose today to be mindful of the information I share with others.

P prayer: God, please forgive me for the secrets I have shared. Help me to foster restraint and self-control in the information I share. Remind me that love covers an offense and is a place of safety not shame. Help those I have hurt to forgive me and to learn to trust me again. Help me to be worry of their trust again. In Your loving name, Amen

Praying Without Believing

This last week I have been drawn to and focused on the area of love. It started with God Wants You To Know messages about love and continued as I prayed for understanding during my time with God. The messages about love have continued and include, "Your task is not to seek for love, but to seek and melt all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it," as well as "love is a great investment". I haven't really been sure of what to make of all of it. Today, in an innocent, unguarded moment at work I was reminded of a memory of the one I love. The memory was so vivid that I felt all of the same feelings I had felt in the original moment, but this time I also felt sadness because it was gone. In truth I have struggled this week and I have prayed often about a next step. I'm not sure this is an answer, but my devotional today was about praying without believing. The message that we should pray, believing our prayers will be answered, and then preparing our life for the answer. If I want to love like God, if I want restoration, then I need to strengthen my weaknesses. 

S Scripture: "Do I bring to the moment of birth and not give delivery?" says the Lord. "Do I close up the womb when I bring to delivery?" says Your God." Isaiah 66:9

O Observation: God will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born. The pain of labor is rewarded with the birth of new life. In essence the pain we experience is "labor pains" and the outcome is "new life"; a blessing.

A Application: It is difficult for me to justify pain, especially my own pain, but I can't deny that pains of labor bring forth beautiful life. Right now my heart is in pain and I long for that "new life". I need to recognize the purpose of my pain and prepare my life for the new that is waiting to be born. 

P Prayer: God, I haven't known what I should do. All of these messages and all of my feelings have left me confused. My heart is in pain, but You are bringing forth new life. I ask that You would help me prepare to receive new life. In Your loving name, Amen

Love

I don't really know where to begin today. There is longing in my heart and I don't know if I am being told to hold on or to let go. Both of God Wants You To Know messages were about love so a part of me believes that today's lesson is about love. The first message was:

"a successful relationship requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. Always with the same person, but deeper and deeper every time. Each time on a whole new level you together open in love and discover the truth of your beloved anew. There is no limit to the beauty of your beloved. If you think you've reached the end, stop generalizing."

The second message was, "what we need is love without effort. Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary. Real love is simple, everyday kind of thing. A smile, a hug, an encouragement. Continuous love without effort." I don't know what it means to my life or to today, but I can't escape the feeling that God wants me to learn something about love. So I've taken note of these messages and I've decided I'll just ask God tomorrow, during our scheduled time together, when we won't be interrupted. 

The Fruit Of The Spirit

Today has been marked by anger and frustration. Anger is creeping up over every area of my life and threatening to seize my heart. I am angry over my circumstances, over the seemingly impossible, and at myself. I am angry that I was unable to have success in the one area that I most wanted to have success in. I am angry, yet it doesn't matter. If my life were a tree, the anger would be thorns, and I find myself needing to prune so the fruit will grow. The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, long-suffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23). 

I have allowed long-suffering to eat at my heart, leaving room for anger and bitterness to grow, forgetting about nurturing the other fruits on my tree. If I don't stop the "rot" then my tree will die, along with all of my fruit. God wants us to be good gardeners of the Spirit, nurturing it, that our fruit would continue to grow. We can ignore the damage or we can go to God so that He can fix it. Tonight, I am acknowledging the damage done and trusting God to fix it so that my fruit can blossom once again. 

Simple and Complicated

Another quote that stood out to me from David Levithan's Every Day is "It is as simple as that. Simple and complicated, as most true things are." When I first read this quote I thought of love. For me, it's simple: I know how my heart feels about this person and yet it's complicated because I'm not able to be with that person. The reasons why don't matter when they're outside of your control. The reasons others give are unimportant when your heart is full of love for someone. Simple and complicated. Yet, God has made it easy for us.

With God it is simple: Come to Him when you are weary and He will give you rest; He is the way, the truth, and the life; He works it all out for the good of those who love Him; and love one another as God has loved you. Tonight, I am weary of the struggle so I go to Him and find rest. I am lost and confused so I go to Him to find the way and experience truth. Tonight, I might be struggling and my eyes might be full of tears, but I find peace, I find comfort, knowing God is working it out for me. It doesn't matter my fear, my anger, my hurt, or my jealousy, I am called to love anyway just as God loves me. 

The Patient Swat Team

Today a swat team served a warrant down the street from my house. Ordinary police activity turned into a standoff, a scene straight from the news. At first I waited with bated breath, anticipating a dramatic scene, and was sucked into the excitement of it all. But soon I had waited long enough and wondered what was taking so long. I wanted the swat team to storm the house and end the standoff. I grew inpatient as I watched the officers wait patiently, employing other methods besides storming a house and risking violence. I stopped watching, I grew tired of waiting, and went about my life. Then I realized we often do this to God: we grow weary waiting, we desire Him to handle the "bad guy" now, and forget about the big picture. God, like the police officer, is patient because He doesn't want anyone left. God allows all of us time to repent and to return to Him because every life is valuable to Him, and not just those obeying the Law. We get so caught up in what needs to be done that we forget about the lives affected, we forget the bigger picture of love and forgiveness. 

Proverbs 27

Proverbs 27: More Proverbs of Solomon (Cont.).

Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring. Let someone else praise you, and your own mouth; an outsider, and not your own lips. Anger is cruel and fury overwhelming, but who can stand before jealousy. Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses. One who is full loathes honey from the comb, but to the hungry even what is bitter tastes sweet. The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and pay the penalty. If anyone loudly blesses their neighbor early in the morning, it will be taken as a curse. A quarrelsome wife is like the dripping of a leaky room in a rainstorm; restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand. As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another. As water reflects the face, so one's life reflects the heart. Death and destruction are never satisfied, and neither are human eyes. Be sure you know the condition of your flocks, give careful attention to your herds; for riches do not endure forever, and a crown is not secure for all generations.

God does not want us to boast about tomorrow because we don't know what will happen the next second, let alone tomorrow. Our trust should be in God and God's plan for tomorrow rather than our own ability to predict the future. God wants praise for us to come from someone else instead of our own lips. Our lives should be visibly changed because of God's presence. If we have to prove to others our lives have changed than they likely haven't changed. God wants us to rebuke our friends out of love because wounds from a friend can be trusted, but to be wary of the kisses of an enemy. God warns about not seeing danger and taking refuge, as well as loudly blessing a neighbor early in the morning. It seems obvious to take refuge when there is danger, but sometimes danger is hidden and we need wisdom to know when we would should take refuge. God warns against being quarrelsome and compares a quarrelsome wife to the dripping of a leaky roof in a rainstorm. I think there is a belief that we can quarrel with the people closest to us because they deserve it and/or they don't have a choice about putting up with the quarrel. Our lives should reflect our heart the way a face is reflected in water. God warns us that human eyes are not satisfied. In comparing human eyes to death and destruction, we are given a consequence for eyes that are not satisfied. 

Proverbs 20

Proverbs 20: Proverbs of Solomon (Cont.).

Wine is a mocker and beer is a brawler; whoever is led astray by them is not wise. It is to one's honor to avoid strife, but every fool is quick to quarrel. The purposes of a person's heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out. Do not love sleep or you will grow poor; stay awake and you will have food to spare. Do not say "I'll pay you back for this wrong!" Wait, for the Lord, and He will avenge you. A person's steps are directed by the Lord, How then can anyone understand their own way?

God doesn't want us to be controlled by anything of this world and alcohol consumption can become a yoke around your neck. God's will is for us to avoid strife and not be quick to quarrel. Our hearts are deep and only insight draws out the true purposes. We have many desires, but only study will show us the purpose of the desire. God doesn't want us to be lazy, delighting in sleep, but to work hard. God's will is for us to leave revenge to Him. God's purpose for our lives is beyond our understanding. 

Proverbs 3

Proverbs 3: Wisdom Bestows Well-Being. Keeping God's commandments in your heart will prolong your life, as well as bring about peace and prosperity. Love and faithfulness should be with you always for they will win you favor and a good name in the sight of God and man. Do not rely on your own understanding, but trust in the Lord with all your heart and in all your ways submit to Him. Honor the Lord with your wealth and your wealth will be overflowing. Do not despise the Lord's discipline, but rejoice for He disciplines those He loves. Do not withhold good from those who deserve it or plot to harm your neighbor. Do not accuse without reason or envy the violent.

Wisdom is a continuous process of knowing and understanding God's commandments that leads to our well being. Wisdom means being at peace with our neighbors, honoring God in all we do, doing good to others, and accepting God's discipline as a loving gesture to protect us from being led astray by wicked people. 

Hosea And Love's Faithfulness

I prayed about today. I asked for an indication of my hope, I desired to know if my hope was sound, but if what happened today is meant as an indication, then my hope is gone. It is over. The last few days, today included, have been hard on me and I have struggled to understand while sorting through the pieces of my broken heart. Honestly, I am still confused and if I gain understanding in one area, it falls apart in light of some other area. Tonight, not willing to feel this way anymore, I prayed a selfish prayer. I asked for my feelings towards the one I love to be removed from my heart. I added if he wasn't going to be a part of my life, but the sentiment was the same, I didn't want to feel this way anymore.

Then I began to read and I read about Hosea. For those who don't know, Hosea was a powerful man and God told him to marry a prostitute. Hosea and the prostitute, Gomer, had a life together, he loved her very much, but Gomer was unfaithful anyways. A time goes by and God tells Hosea to renew his love for Gomer. This time he had to purchase her from the slave's block. Now their story is meant as an example of God's own love for us, but the story was incorporated into a larger message about love being faithful.

I read this passage and felt God pointing out the words, "love is faithful even when love isn't returned." I had prayed my prayer, no longer wanting to be tied to this other person, and God showed me He had no intention of answering that prayer. The love I feel in my heart, though it gives me pain, is meant to stay. Love is faithful. Love loves even when love isn't returned. There were the words, written in black and white, that showed the sacrifice I was expected to make. The sacrifice being the continued feelings of heartache I will still have. 

I don't know the purpose of this, but I can't deny God wants me to keep loving. It kind of fits with this morning though, when I told the one I love that I loved him, knowing that he wouldn't respond or return the love in any way. Sometimes the words are more their benefit, even if you don't see the results, than for our own. I didn't need him to tell me he loved me, although it is always nice to hear I love you.

Confusion

Last night I didn't sleep much again, I hope this isn't turning into a trend, plagued by dreams of the one I love. Ordinarily dreams of him would be comforting, reassuring, but last night the dreams I had were awful, even nightmarish. I woke up longing for his comfort and protection, but I was all alone. My heart ached and I prayed. All day I waited for that prayer to be answered, but if there was an answer given I missed it. Tonight, I'm sad, filled with an intense longing and questioning how I should be feeling.

Love is unconditional: it believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things (1 Corinthians 13). I believe this, I practice this, and yet I'm questioning if I'm doing what I'm suppose to or just being stubborn. Today I am wondering if I'm being a stubborn child refusing to accept the Father's "No." If I am refusing to accept God's plans then I am delaying fulfillment, I am delaying God's blessings, and putting off the inevitable, which only brings pain. I don't want to be stubborn, but I can't escape the reality of unconditional love. I am reminded of the Prodigal Son. His father probably prayed every day for his son's return and everyday without an answer probably felt like God was saying, "No!" I don't know how the father took the waiting, I don't know if he ever gave up, but I know there was so much joy in the return. 

The father had to wait for the prodigal son, he didn't know if or when his son would come back, and yet it seems he was there waiting. Tonight I don't know if that is what I am suppose to do. Do I wait or do I let go? I do both. I pray and I patiently wait for an answer, for restoration, for the next step. I pray and turn it all over to God. He has the control, not me, and let's be honest He is way more qualified. It is ok to not have the answers. God does.

When you're in a place of confusion and you don't know what to do, do nothing. Well not nothing. Pray. Pray, giving it all to God, and wait for His solution, His wisdom, or whatever else it is you need. God knows exactly what you need and how to answer your need according to His plan. Confusion is part of being human so just pray, let go, and wait. It's in God's hands.

Palm Sunday

Today, Palm Sunday, is the start of the week that ends in the celebration of Jesus's resurrection. I was thinking about the significance of today and thought I should follow Jesus' journey during the last week of His life. 7 DAYS. In 7 days, Jesus' life would be drastically different. In 7 days, He would be celebrated, persecuted, crucified, and finally He would be resurrected. 

Palm Sunday is the Sunday before Easter that commemorates Jesus' triumphal entry into Jerusalem, an event that is mentioned in each of the four gospels. The Pharisees and other religious leaders sought to kill Jesus, which made Jesus' entry into Jerusalem very dangerous. Jesus knew that entering Jerusalem was dangerous and that in a few, short days these same people that welcomed Him would be advocating His death. Yet, He entered Jerusalem on the back of a donkey anyways and the people celebrated His arrival. The people laid down their cloaks and small branches of palm tress in front of Him and sang Psalm 118: 25-26 "Blessed is He who comes in the name of the Lord. We bless you from the house of the Lord."  

This moment in time is significant. Jesus knew the fate that awaited Him when He entered in Jerusalem and He went anyways. Even His disciples, who didn't truly understand what was to happen in the week, knew that entering Jerusalem was unsafe since the Pharisees hated Jesus. Yet, Jesus went anyways. Fear should not be a road block in our paths. Yes, there will be things in our lives that will cause us to fear, but these things should not hinder us from following God's plan for our lives. Jesus knew exactly what He was going to experience, the pain and the agony, and He went anyways. Honoring God's will for His life was more important to Him than any fear He might encounter. He loved us and desired a relationship with us with such fervency that He entered into Jerusalem willingly.  

The love we have for God should allow us to enter into His will with the same willingness and urgency. It doesn't matter if we can't see the whole picture, or know what the next week of our lives will hold, we just need to trust God and live fearlessly in His will for our lives.