Job: A Lesson in Hardship

Job's story is probably one of the better known stories told in the Bible. You are likely familiar with Job and his tale of hardship. Job is a longer book in the Bible with 42 chapters so it is easy to miss some of the message while reading it. Today I am diving into Job, to understand the lesson in his hardship. I am starting from the beginning so if you are not familiar with Job you can meet him now.

Job was a righteous man. Job 1:1 states, "In the Land of Uz there lived a man whose name was Job. This man was blameless and upright; he feared God and shunned evil," (New Living Translation (NIV)). Now at this point in Biblical history there were not many people considered blameless. Even the people who were recorded prior to Job had sinned. That is not to say Job wasn't a sinner. We are al born into this world as sinners. However, as much as Job was responsible he did not sin and he took to it to ensure his children and household did not sin as well, "His sons used to hold feasts in their home on their birthdays and they would invite their three sisters to eat and drink with them. When a period of feasting had run its course, Job would make arrangements for them to be purified. Early in the morning he would sacrifice a burnt offering for each of them, thinking, "Perhaps my children have sinned and cursed God in their hearts." This was Job's regular custom," (Job 1: 4-5, NIV). 

The Bible said Job was blameless. Blameless is an important word choice. Up until this point if you sinned you were responsible for your hardship. Hardship was a sign God's blessing had turned from you. You were not blameless. So it is important the Bible says Job was blameless. The resulting hardship is therefore not a result of Job or a sin he may have committed. 

If Job is blameless then where does his hardship come from? In Job, chapter one, a conversation between God and Satan is revealed, "One day the angels came to present themselves before the Lord and Satan also came with them. The Lord said to Satan, "Where have you come from?" Satan answered the Lord, "From roaming throughout the earth, going back and forth on it," (Job 1: 6-7). Satan is roaming the earth. I say is instead of was because he is engaged in this same activity now. He is roaming the earth looking for souls to take. His purpose is to alienate earth's inhabitants and encourage them to remain in sin. 

God is aware of Satan's actions and his purpose. He doesn't actually need to ask Satan what he is doing. It is at this point that God presents Satan with Job, "Then the Lord said to Satan, "Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil," (Job 1:8). I'll admit this exchange is strange. It sounds like God is offering up Job to Satan. Job: His servant! We take for granted God already knew the outcome of the conversation, the hardship Job would endure, and the ultimate story of Job's life. For us, we ask "Why God?" From a human perspective, Job was doing everything he was supposed to do as a servant of God and God was supposed to show him blessing for being blameless. 

That is not what happened. Satan replies, "Does Job fear God for nothing?' Satan replied. "Have you not put a hedge around him and his household and everything he has? You have blessed the work of his hands, so that his flocks and herds are spread throughout the land. But now stretch out your hand an strike everything he has, and he will surely cure you to your face," (Job 1:9-11). Satan has a point. If you make someone's life easier and never cause them hardship, how do you know they love you? Not that you should purposefully cause hardship to find out if someone loves you, but endurance is a part of a love. 

God did not need to cause Job hardship to know his heart. God is able to know our hearts, better than we know ourselves, and how each event in our lives will affect our heart. Satan can't do that. So when he is suggesting hardship for Job he doesn't know this hardship won't change Job's heart towards God. His decision for hardship is based on what he knows of human hearts, which is when humans face suffering we don't usually do it quietly and we are more than happy to find someone to blame. Satan believes that if he convinces God to create hardship for Job that he will gain another soul. He doesn't care about God or Job otherwise. Then, "The Lord said to Satan, "Very well, then, everything he has is in your power, but on the man himself do not lay a finger," (Job 1:12). Satan wanted God to create hardship for Job, but instead God allows Satan to create the hardship. God's blessing is the reason Job did not endure any hardship prior to this moment. So in essence, God is removing His hand from Job so Satan's activity can have an affect on Job's life. 

Satan did not need to be told twice. He left God and sought to destroy Job. So what did Satan do to Job? We find that out in Job 1:13-19. Here is the short version:

1) Sabeans attacked, took Job's oxen and donkeys, and killed all except for one servant.

2) Fire came down from heaven and burned up the sheep, along with all the servants minus one.

3) The Chaldeans took the camels and killed all the servants except one.

4) A mighty wind came from the desert and knocked down the house with all of his sons and daughters feasting inside. 

Satan took away Job's livestock, most of his servants, and killed Job's offspring. Satan wanted to make sure that Job felt his presence. Job's world came crashing down around him in a matter of minutes. Each tragedy mentioned above is announced within minutes of the previous tragedy. 

If even one of these events happened to use we would be devastated, but to have all four? Surely, this would be enough for Job to get upset and question God. Yet, Job 1:20-22 says, "At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship and said, "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised." In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrong doing."

Satan sought to destroy Job and he didn't take any chances. He annihilated Job's world in a matter of minutes. Yet Job does not crumble. I imagine his response wasn't as quick as it was written, but nevertheless, he recognized God can do as He pleases and should still be praised in hardship. I admire Job. This week my world felt like it was falling down around me and I didn't have a single one of Job's hardship. I didn't stop and praise God. In fact, I was angry because God could have stopped it and didn't. We see first hand in Job that God does allow hardship to come upon us even when we are blameless. 

Now I am not saying I am blameless. I have sinned and fallen short. I do not know that any of my past sins did not cause the current hardship I face and I equally do not know this hardship is the result of sin. Short of a direct correlation, I have no way of knowing the cause of my hardship. The point of Job is that you can be blameless and still face hardship. Hardship is not necessary the result of your own actions (i.e. sin). 

Regardless, I was angry and accused God of not protecting me. After all, it was in His power to protect me at any point and in a number of ways over the years. I would love to have Job's confidence and assurance in God that even when his world is crumbling he is praising God. Some of you might be thinking that Job just lost his possessions, if you take out the loss of his children, and could therefore accept the loss in stride. Historians could even argue the loss of children was not the same then as it is now. Men had many children and most of the children didn't make it into adulthood. There is also the historical significance of having male heirs to continue an estate and female heirs as methods of prospering that estate. In other words, historically children are ranked about the same as livestock. I don't think this how Job felt about his children, but I mention it because his children are looped in with his livestock lost. 

Satan cursed Job, but Job did not curse God and so we journey into chapter two. Again Satan and God are talking. Again God points out Job, "Then the Lord said to Satan, "Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil. And he still maintains his integrity, though you incited me against him to ruin him without any reason," (Job 2: 3). God has reason to brag. Job upheld God even in hardship. But you may say the attack wasn't personal and Job can replace the loss. 

Satan agreed, "Skin for skin!' Satan replied, "A man will give all he has for his own life. But now stretch out your hand and strike his flesh and bones, and he will surely curse you to your face," (Job 2:4-5). So again God allows Satan to attack Job, but Satan is not allowed to kill Job. Again Satan sets out to destroy Job, this time attacking his flesh. Job is struck with painful boils and blisters on his entire body. He is so ill his wife tells him to just go on and die already. 

Satan had a point: striking Job's flesh had a different response in Job. Job is miserable. His wife and his friends are unsympathetic. His wife knows Job is blameless so she tells Job to curse God, after all He must be the source of the illness. Job's friends know that hardship is the consequences of sin and they plead with Job to repent. But remember, Job is blameless so he doesn't have anything to repent. Obviously, his friends don't believe him because God doesn't punish righteous people. 

Job is miserable and fed up arguing with his friends, but he doesn't curse God. He doesn't understand why this is happening so he begins to think it would have been better if he was never born. The day of his birth should be blotted out because it is curses. In short, Job is throwing a pity party. Not that I blame him. His life is falling apart and he is too close to see why. He is unable to understand and he doesn't have a whole of options. 

At this point Job could continue to go on in his current state or he could end his life. Suicide would be an affront to God and if Job isn't going to curse God then he isn't going to end his life either. So Job just sits there and laments his birth. If he was never born then he would never experience hardship. Job's lament and conversation with his friends is most of the book of Job. Then in chapter 38, we hear from God, "Then the Lord spoke to Job out of the storm." God had enough of Job's whining and seeks to correct him while also justifying Job in front of his friends because Job was blameless. 

God questions Job, "Where were you when I laid the earth's foundations?" (Job 38: 4) He goes on to ask, "Who shut up the sea behind doors when it burst forth from the womb, when I made the clouds is garments and wrapped it in thick darkness, " (Job 38:8-9). God is asking Job who are you and where were you when I created the earth, along with everything in it. God's questions demonstrates God's power and control over everything. Even the smallest thing God can do Job cannot. Job gets it, "Then Job answered the Lord, "I am unworthy - how can I reply to you? I put my hand over my mouth. I spoke once, but I have no answer - twice, but I will say no more, " (Job 40: 3-5).

In chapter 42, Job replies again to the Lord, 

"I know that you can do all things; no purpose of yours can be thwarted. You asked, "Who is this that obscures my plans without knowledge?" Surely, I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know. You said, "Listen now, and I will speak; I will question you, and you shall answer me." My ears have heard of you, but now my eyes have seen you. Therefore, I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes," (Job 42: 2-6). 

After this the Lord blessed Job and replaced his loss twice fold. 

Job was a righteous man, from human standards he was not a man who deserved hardship, and yet, God allowed Satan to test him. From Job's hardship, we can learn three lessons. 

Lesson #1: Live a Blameless Life

The Bible says Job was blameless. How can Job be blameless when we have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23)? Job is not different than any other person on earth, he sinned, and he most definitely fell short of the glory of God. Yet, he was blameless. Job lived each day trying to honor God. This means that he was responsible for himself and did his part to not sin each day. Sin is going to happen and Job knew it would happen in the lives of his children, which is why Job 1:4-5 says Job purified his children and offered burnt sacrifices in case they had sinned. I believe he did this same process for himself. Each day he evaluated his actions and repented if he sinned. He also made conscious choices to live righteously, in a way that honored and praised God. Job was not perfect. He knew he wasn't perfect and he continually sought to bring himself closer to God. The lesson: we are going to sin, but how we respond to sin is going to determine if we are blameless or not. 

Lesson #2: Blameless Does Not Make You Exempt From Hardship

Job was blameless and because we know he is blameless we get to understand hardship is not always the result of our sin. The sin of other people can and will cause hardship that can affect our lives. If a spouse is unfaithful then their sin can break the heart of their wife or husband. A child born from infidelity can be hurt as well. Both parties are blameless, but still face hardship because someone else sinned. Hardship not caused by someone else's sin does not mean you are to blame. Job was blameless and he was struck with a serious illness. This hardship was not the result of sin. The lesson: being blameless does not mean you won't face hardship. 

Lesson #3: Our Response to Hardship Matters

When we undergo hardship we do not have the right to blame God. As Job found out, God made the earth and everything in it. No one, Satan included, can thwart His plans. God has allowed hardship, He may even have offered you up to Satan to be tested, but through it all, His plan will not be thwarted. At the end of Job, Job is restored. We too will be restored and God's blessing will return. Everything we are facing God has foreseen and planned for. The lesson: we need to wait, trust, and praise God in the midst of the storm. 

The Bible tells the stories of many characters and each character teaches a new method. I am in a place of hardship and I plan on studying the characters who faced hardship. Today I started with Job. Who should I look at next? 

*All Bible verses were taken from Bible Gateway and are New Living Translation (NIV).  

Frustration

I have been struggling with frustration. I have attributed my irritability to stress and yet taking measures to prevent stress had no affect. The frustration and irritability, particularly how I was responding to people, was leaving a bitterness at the end of the day and pain in my heart. I was reminded of the day when I refused to forgive and the anger ate at my heart. Last night I prayed  about this, I felt God telling me frustration was a choice and we didn't have to respond to other people with irritability.

Today I did the same thing I did back in September: no matter what happened I wasn't going to be upset or act out my frustration. And just like before there were things that would upset me, but today I didn't let it bother me. The things that weren't personal I didn't take personally. I gave myself the opportunity to breathe before responding. It changed my entire day and where I would have been frustrated before, I was now happy and content. Remember we can only control our own actions.

Gratitude

We are quick to pray when something goes wrong, quick to be angry or upset by unfair circumstances, and quick to criticize when life doesn't happen the way we wanted. But are we equally quick to pray when things go right, quick to give praise, and quick to acknowledge God's plan is best? In life, we will have sorrows and joy and we should pray often in both circumstances, with a joyful heart. I have been bad about this. I have a tendency to pray quickly when I need something, but delay giving thanks. It isn't intentional, but nevertheless I should be mindful of my gratitude. 

Tonight I have so much to be grateful for, in addition to the blessings God has already given me. I am grateful for a friend's encouragement and faith in my abilities. His encouragement led me to order the part and fix my computer by myself. It worked. I am grateful for a perfect score in the first class I have taken towards my graduate certificate in child life. I am grateful I was able to pay off another student loan. There are now only 3 left (there were originally 5). I am so very grateful for God's blessings.

I realize to non-believers my gratitude seems to be attributed to my own abilities rather than God's blessings. Yet, all of my abilities are directly from God and His influence in my life. God is more than willing to bless us, but sometimes He requires us to use our gifts to fulfill His blessings in our life. I didn't just get an A in my class. I worked every  week to stay on top of my assigned reading, attend class, and finish my assignments on time. I used God's gifts and worked hard to do well in my class. This is equally true when it comes to paying off another student loan. I used money saving principles taught to me by God to save money, budget, and establish a repayment plan that worked for me. God blessed me with few expenses and a good job that has made repayment easier.

Be grateful for all you have, pray often, and don't assume God will do it all, He desires your participation in life.

Focus

The last few days I have felt like a zombie: too tired, too drained, and with entirely too much to do. When this happens I am able to focus on only one thing and everything else gets forgotten. A lot of time this happens at work and I forget my lunch on some shelf in a classroom, forcing myself to go back when I realize it. Or it happens where I am so focused on the worldly things that need to be done that I forget to return my focus to God. It isn't that I forget God, like I did my lunch, but that at the end of a long day I realize I missed what God was trying to teach me. 

Generally, focus isn't a a problem or at least this much of a problem. I enjoy connecting with God and seeing what He has planned for me in my day. I try to start my morning praying, find time to read a God Wants Me To Know message, read a friend's blog Discover Lent With Me on her own journey, and I end my day with gratitude, another God Wants Me To Know message, a daily devotional, scripture, and prayer. And in between? In between I pray. I talk to God like I would a friend because God is my friend. 

I am reminded of a children's song Jesus is My Best Friend. This is actually a song we are teaching the children for their Easter pageant next month, which is why the song has been in my head so much lately. Jesus is our friend and just like our other friendships we need to spend time with Him. Spending time with Him shouldn't be seen as an obligation, but a wonderful opportunity to get to know Him better. The best part of Jesus being our friend is that He is always there with us and we don't have to worry if He has time to listen. 

Progress

Life seems to happen in stages (birth, childhood, adolescence, college, marriage, children, retirement, and death) and we all have plan for our life at each of these stages, even when we shouldn't. I am a planner and I always have been. My entire childhood I knew exactly how each life stage would turn out. In the 5th grade I even wrote a short story about my plan as I looked through a magic mirror at various stages of my life. In short, I was going to graduate from Harvard, attend medical school, become a doctor, get married, and have twins.

Then life happened. When I was 12 years old, my older sister passed away and who I was changed. Suddenly, I was the oldest and I began to struggle. I was trying to live the life of someone 5 years older than me while still trying to be myself. I experienced a lot of frustration and dreams I had for myself fell apart. The first dream being Harvard. I knew I was no longer Harvard material, but I applied anyways, and the rejection letter was the very real proof that I didn't get to plan my life. In college, at University of California Davis, I realized I wasn't going to become a doctor either. Alright, I haven't quite given up on becoming a doctor, but I aware that it is not going to happen any time soon, especially considering my ongoing struggle with chemistry. These lost dreams were not devastating, although they were disappointing, and I don't feel my life is any poorer for not achieving them. Not to mention, I don't know if things would have been any different, at least as far as the dreams go, if my sister were still here today.

I'm thinking about life stages and lost dreams now as I see most of the people my age (friends,  family, and coworkers) reaching or achieving life stages I imagined I would be at already. I think we, as a society, put a lot of pressure on people, especially women, to achieve certain things before they become a certain age. I see this especially when women are in their twenties and society expects them to be engaged, married, pregnant, or with children already. If you aren't at a certain stage then people give you a look of pity and say something along the lines, "You'll be there someday." It doesn't matter if you're hesitant because of the past, you don't want that life, or you are physically unable to achieve that life stage. 

If we judged our progress in life based on reaching life stages, especially when everyone else did, we would spend most of life feeling like a failure. Progress should be personal. If we struggle with patience and then endured a brutal meeting at work without losing our temper that should be progress and not whether we achieved a promotion at the same time as a coworker. When you look at life in terms of your own progress, rather than what everyone else is doing, you realize you're a success. This is especially helpful when you feel you're in the same boat as last year just with new people. It is nice to be able to say, "No, I'm not. I'm more patient or more forgiving. I'm stronger or more willing to be happy." Recognizing progress gives you the opportunity to give thanks to God and see prayers answered.

Joseph

In life we will encounter struggle and how we respond will become a testimony to the people around us. Tonight, I'm thinking about Joseph. Joseph experienced 3 major struggles that we know about: his brothers sold him into slavery, then he was thrown into prison falsely accused of seducing a powerful man's wife, and finally he was responsible for feeding an entire nation during a 7 year famine. At any point Joseph could have responded in anger, after all the situations were unfair, but instead he made the best of it and succeeded. We might not like our circumstances, but we should respond as children of God, maintaining a righteous life.

When struggle is upon us, our tendency as humans is to kick in our heels and complain how unfair it is. We throw our wait around and whine about the circumstances. As children we are taught that things should be made fair ("Share with your friends or siblings"), but the reality is life isn't fair. I could spend time thinking about how much better everything would be if life were fair, but it would be time wasted because I can't change how life works, only how I respond to it.  Accepting life isn't fair and that the situations we encounter won't necessarily be fair either will save us time.

Struggle is a part of life and it won't always be fair, but learning to withstand and live righteous lives will change how struggle affects us. Our ability to withstand is made possible by God's promise to work everything together for the good of those who love God. Struggle strengths our faith and builds endurance. Struggle is invaluable to our lives. Joseph knew this and endured all of his struggles without compromising his integrity. At the end of his struggles he was in a position of power, able to help others, and had grown wise enough to know the importance of forgiveness.

 

Joseph forgave his brothers, the very brothers who had sold him into slavery, and bestowed his wealth on him. If he had mistreated them, almost all would have understood, but he didn't. Instead he was merciful, forgiving, and kind to his brothers. Joseph's response is perfect, "Who am I? I am not God. You intended to do me harm, but God intended it for good." Vengeance belongs to God, the only one qualified to judge, and he is just. Further, the malicious actions and intentions of others can and are easily worked together for the good.

Forgiveness is hard. I spent the first 20 years of my life struggling to forgive. Then one day I decided I had carried the anger around long enough and I forgave the people who hurt me. Forgiveness benefited me the most and set my heart free. When I struggle to forgive someone I remember God, who is perfect, forgave me so how much more should I be willing to forgive others. Forgiveness isn't easy, but it is a choice you should make today.

Unconditional Love

A few days ago I was eating dinner with a friend and he said, "Did you know research has now shown love is conditional?" His question threw me off guard, rendering me temporarily speechless, because I believe true love is unconditional and reflect God's love for us. Today, his comment came to me again and I thought, "No, love is not conditional, but unconditional. Love is a choice." Love is very much a choice we make everyday. Yes, the initial stirrings of love are involuntary, but what remains after time and struggle is a choice. Every day you wake up and decide through your words and your actions that you will love that person. 

Back in September, I knew the one I loved was going to have a difficult weekend and I chose each moment to love him, to not be quick to anger, and to show him he was valued in my life. I will freely admit that weekend was not easy. There were a lot of thing that upset me and caused me pain, things that I could have justifiably been upset about, but I endured. At the end of the weekend he felt valued and I survived putting his needs first. I know I am not perfect and at times my love will fall short, but I also know each day it is a choice. There was a time when that weekend would not have been possible, when I would have felt the need to express that I was upset, and to demand my own way. Then I came across the Love Dare and decided to give it a try. I really enjoy reading the Love Dare as it takes you to the place where unconditional love is not only possible, but a desire in your heart through 40 dares over 40 days. Reading the Love Dare was eye opening and I have read it 4 times over the last 3 years. 

Each time I read through the book, completing the dares, I feel as if I learn something new and am able to recognize the growth in my life. Right now I am in this place where I feel my unconditional love is being tested and I am struggling to be happy for him when what makes him happy is causing me pain. There are times when love makes sacrifices, but if the sacrifice is going to have to endure then I would like to make the best of it. I don't want to be upset or unhappy. I just want to love this person the way God loves me. Our struggle is valuable to our outcome and I take joy in the struggle that makes my love more like Jesus' love for me. It isn't going to be easy, but God is working it together for my good.

Stuck

Knights Ferry is so beautiful and holds a special place in my heart. Last summer I spent a few weekends there rafting and then one night watching a meteor shower. Knights Ferry is remote and doesn't have the harsh glare of city lights. At night it is pitch black, but the stars shine so brightly. Knights Ferry is a good destination to get away, to be close to nature, and to be close to God. Not to mention there are a few old buildings that are interesting to look at, including the covered bridge that is now closed to cars. Today, I spent some time in Knights Ferry. I felt nostalgic and a bit sad. I was there for a funeral, but the sadness I felt went beyond the loss of the person.

Yet, here in this remote spot I found God. He was there as I struggled with my sadness and as two thoughts stayed focused in my mind. First, I thought it would be nice to be friends with the pastor who would perform my funeral. That way the things I said would be honest and heartfelt. I realize this is a strange thought to have at a funeral, but never-the-less it was the thought I had. Second, my mom's friend hugged her and sobbed, "It would have been easier if I didn't love him." This made me cry. I thought about the one I love, the one I spent so many wonderful times with in Knights Ferry, and I thought about restoration. I then cried because it seemed that everything had changed and that nothing would be returned. 

I feel at a stalemate and am lost as to how to become unstuck. I am fully feeling the loop I am in, endless. This "endless" loop is draining me and I don't know how to break free. I am stuck. Tonight, I have prayed over and over again for the next step. Oh God, show me the way, that I might break free. Oh how thankful I am for God's endless love and willingness to listen even as I pray the same prayer. 

Powerful Prayer

Tonight, I am sitting here and I don't really know where to begin. I spent most of today avoiding anything painful, which is a lot harder to do when your day has down time. I have been so exhausted, physically and mentally, that I needed a break from heartache and sadness. I believed I was in such a need of a break that I took matters into my own hands and gave myself one, as I actively avoided anything that might bring me pain or heartache. I know that I am not alone in wanting to avoid painful experiences, but I realized at the end of the day I limited myself from learning any lesson of truth that I needed to experience. As much I would like to learn lessons in comfort, the reality is many of our lessons are learned through struggle, loss, and pain. Painful experiences are necessary in life. When we are allowed the opportunity to struggle we are also given the opportunity to pray, to have faith, and to watch as God blesses us with various experiences of His divine truth. Today, I avoided the struggle and any truth I may have experienced is left for another day, but I have this new appreciation for the painful experiences I will have. 

Kelsey

I didn't really feel I missed anything today, from the perspective of socializing, but then I read an update on my friend's blog Discover Lent With Me and remembered today is the 2 year anniversary of her daughter's car accident. Her daughter and I are friends, having grown up together.  She survived and we are so very grateful. Her story is miraculous and in it I experienced so much truth, particularly the power of prayer. I have felt at times my prayers weren't being answered, but then I look at my friend and see so many prayers answered in her. On the brink of death she was brought back, her life restored, and all of these seemingly impossible things were made possible in her life. Doctors would say she couldn't and she would show them she could. Her journey during the accident was documented on a Facebook page Kelsey Warren, Train Master. Every night her friends, her family, and complete strangers would tune in for an update on Kelsey. We prayed together, offered thanks for the progress she was making, and provided encouragement to one another. This tragedy brought so many people together and together we were able to share in the progress Kelsey was making. 

Tonight, I was thinking about this shared period of life and the prayers I prayed nightly for my friend. I remember days when I was literally on my knees begging God to restore Kelsey's body. I was heartbroken for my friend, but was so inspired by her wonderful family, who never once complained. Sometimes we need to be reminded of the big prayers that were answered in our life, such as all of my answered prayers in the life of my friend Kelsey. Otherwise I think our hearts would become discouraged when we don't necessarily see the little prayers answered. I think that our little prayers are being answered too, but I think it is harder to recognize the answers because they are more subtle. I understand that all of our prayers feel big at the time we pray them, but often times they are a product of our circumstances. Either way prayer, all prayer, is powerful so just pray.

Loss In The Middle

"It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart." -Mockingjay (3rd book in the Hunger Games trilogy)

Recently, my friend shared this quote with me and reflected on how easy it would be to fall apart. I know how easy it is and having struggled to put myself back together, after a loss that occurred two years ago, I vowed to not let myself fall apart again. But vowing to not let yourself fall apart is the same as saying "never", it will likely happen at some point. In the last month I encountered another loss and have struggled to not fall apart, but yesterday I gave in. Yesterday, I was a mess and in no shape for anything. I laid in bed and cried, too drained to even pray and if I started to pray I didn't have the words. It was all I could take just to be and I ended up giving in to the sadness and to the tears. In the end I managed to say one prayer and that prayer gave me strength. That one prayer was a release of a day's worth of worry and with that I fell asleep.

I thought about not sharing this moment of falling apart, this time of weakness, but I decided to share this experience because everyone is going to experience struggle, loss (actual and symbolic), and a sense of being defeated. There are times in life when feeling this way is normal and healthy, but it is important to remember this isn't a place we should stay for very long. If we continue to push forward when our resources are limited we become drained and our bodies break down physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. The lesson I learned yesterday was that I need permission to feel, at least for a moment, the reality of my loss or I begin to believe I am weak for breaking down. It is in these moments that I also need to remember it is ok to put my needs first sometimes. A balance between the needs of others and our own needs is important or we become drained. Sometimes this can be difficult when we are naturally caregivers and view putting our needs first as selfish, but it is important to remember we are unable to help others if we are drained or our resources.

Today, I am feeling much better and renewed. A large part of this has to do with a friend's blog post on the "Middle". She talked about how much of life is lived in the middle, preparing us for the end, when we are suppose to be like Jesus. In the midst of a struggle it is always helpful to be reminded "this isn't the end," but she went on to imagine what the 30 years of Jesus' life were like before the end (the 3 years of His ministry). She imagined that there were probably errors He encountered in His human form and these errors shaped Him into the Jesus we know today. This is reassuring in light of yesterday, where I couldn't escape the feeling of being a failure or feeling defeated. There is comfort in the realization that this is my middle and each error I make or struggle I experience is preparing me for the end. I am a flower of God's, waiting to bloom, but first I must establish roots and then push through the soil into the light. Darkness is not meant to last forever and is always cast away at the first sign of light.

God's Plans Are Not Our Plans

When I am uncomfortable with a question asked of me, I have a tendency to give vague answers that barely resemble the truth. The answer I give isn't a lie, but it isn't honest either. The answer is somewhere in the gray area and prevents the person from understanding the truth. I do this to protect myself and to avoid judgement, but today I didn't. Today, I was asked a question that made me uncomfortable and instead of giving a vague answer I decided to answer honestly and even offered an elaboration to my original answer. I was surprised by the relief I felt in answering honestly. With this one person I didn't have to pretend I wasn't feeling the way I am. I wasn't judged and though the person ended the conversation, I was happy I had been honest. The lesson learned is honest answers prevent confusion and decrease the likelihood the person will accidentally say something to upset you.

I'll admit I was intrigued by the question asked me and I began to wonder the implications of the question. One implication in particular began to make me envision God's plan and I quickly stopped, remembering something I read yesterday. God's plans are not our plans and assuming we know God's plans leads to discouragement and disappointment. Moses thought he knew what God's plan was when He said, "I will harden Pharaoh's heart," but he didn't and became upset when his expectations weren't met. Moses came to God and expressed frustration, "Why have you brought this on me?" because he didn't understand God's plan. As I read this passage, I realized I have expressed this same frustration, disappointed when expectations weren't met. 

God's plans are not our plans. We cannot assume we know because His thoughts are not our thoughts. God is looking at the big picture while we are usually looking at the little picture of our current circumstances. Today, I am learning to focus on God's plan and not on my own. To do this I must focus on today, on the progress being made, and not on what may or may not happen tomorrow. Do not worry about tomorrow for the future is God's hands.