God's Will

Today has been confusing and put a lot of weight on my heart. I woke up with the intent of sharing good news and rejoicing together in my success. The joy was short lived when I was made to feel guilty about my success and circumstances outside my control. Everyone seems to miss when something is unfair to you and only remember when it is unfair to them. I just wanted to be happy that a 9 year burden had been lifted off of my chest and that new possibilities were on the horizon. Instead I felt guilty for my success. 

It didn't help that I was already feeling down because circumstances prevented me from enjoying a favorite event of my youth. There were so many photos from today and I was filled with a longing to be present, but I knew I couldn't be. Yesterday was an eye opener and I need to be responsible for my feelings. Going to the event would have been inviting trouble for myself. I know it would open me up to feeling those feelings again and I don't want to go back to that dark space of anger.

I though about my feelings a lot today and couldn't align what I was feeling with God's direction for how to live our lives. It was confusing. I thought again about being a stubborn child who refuses to hear "no" and won't let go. My heart weighed heavy in my chest. I didn't know how to make sense of any of it. Then I tuned into a sermon on God's Will. It was the first sermon in the series and the focus was how you won't hear God's will: you won't hear God's will in your feelings, in the advice given you, in your culture, or in your circumstances. 

While the pastor repeated "God's will," I think it is important to make the distinction between how God wants us to live and how the things that happen (the good, the bad, the mistakes, the accidents, etc.) work together for our good. The Bible provides instructions on how we are suppose to live while everything working together for our good is one of God's truths that we live out. His will would be the Bible and His plans how everything works out. I think it is time I turn my focus to His will. 

Personal Responsibility

Today is about a lesson in personal responsibility. Personal responsibility is hard to come by in recent years. It doesn't matter who you are, taking responsibility for your actions without passing blame is difficult. I don't know why taking responsibility is so hard and that isn't saying taking personal responsibility is easy for me. I just mean that I don't have an easy explanation for why it is so hard. Is it pride, fear of judgment, an obsession with other people's opinions? Whatever the reason, taking personal responsibility is difficult, but is necessary for strong relationships with God and others.

Today I was challenged to identify areas I needed to take responsibility for my actions, to pray and become right with God, and then to take responsibility for my actions with the people I had wronged. I attempted to do this, but nothing weighed on my heart and I even prayed for God to show me. It isn't that I haven't wronged anyone, but that I try to take responsibility and apologize when my actions have wounded someone. There is one relationship I am seeking to restore and so my intent is to ask him directly if there is any hurt I have caused that wasn't made amends for. The opportunity didn't present itself today, but when it does I am prepared to take responsibility.

I went about today and then was reminded of another person. The feelings I felt towards this person were unpleasant and I realized I was on the verge of hating this person. I took responsibility for these feelings and asked God to help me deal with these feelings. Part of that was exploring why I was feeling the way I was. Now that I am aware of these feelings and have some understanding of the reasons behind these feelings, I can take responsibility and hopefully prevent these feelings from turning into actions. 

I don't really have answers and there are more than a few loose ends, but I know that I need to take personal responsibility for all of my actions and feelings. This is what I can control, this is what I can do to make my relationships right with God and others.