Update

I am deeply sorry that I haven't posted anything in the last few weeks. The last few weeks I have been very ill and am still recovering from this mysterious illness. I have done my best to continue recording the daily lessons I have learned from God, but I haven't been able to put these lessons on this blog. I am slowly starting to recover and I hope that I will be able to update this blog with the lessons I have learned form the last few weeks very soon. I am still deeply committed to this blog and want to hear from my readers, but it will take me some time to get back on track with my own posts. Thank you for your patience during this time. 

It Is Better To Obey

"But Samuel answered, 'What pleases the Lord more: burnt offerings and sacrifices or obedience to His voice? It is better to obey than to sacrifice. It is better to listen to God then to offer the fat of sheep.'" 

1 Samuel 15:22

Saul thought he had obeyed God or rather he thought he knew what God really meant when He commanded Saul to kill every living thing of the Amalekites. Saul disobeyed God and kept the king, along with the best cattle and sheep. When he was confronted about his disobedience, he argued he had been obedient and offered the animals as a sacrifice to God. Yet, God clearly said "leave no living thing." Saul's argument is proof of his disobedience. His intentions may have been honorable, but he still disobeyed God. Samuel explains this to Saul, stating, "it is better to obey than to sacrifice." 

I think this passage is interesting because we tend to be like Saul in this moment. We read scripture and we interpret it the way we want. We assume we know what God really meant when He said X, Y, or Z in the Bible. God did not invite us to interpret His word, but instead to read it and then to live it. Not every passage is straight forward in present times because it was written in a different culture with different expectations for understanding, but these passages can be understood when you study the Bible, as well as its history. The point is when God commands us to do something we need to obey every word and not just what we feel is right. This type of thinking [assuming we know what God meant] is what cost Saul his kingship in Israel. 

Everything Hidden Will Be Made Known

Today, Luke 8:17 "Everything that is hidden will become clear, and every secret thing will be made known," resonates with me. I don't understand why people hide things. That isn't to say there shouldn't be secrets, there are some secrets that should be kept, but when an action affects someone else you shouldn't hide it. Today, a decision made by someone else was brought into the light. A decision that affected multiple people, who had reason to be concerned, was made and then covered up. That which is hidden will become clear. Upon finding out, feelings were hurt and relationships were put in danger of being broken. I don't understand the point of keeping this decision secret, but the decision has already been made.

This wasn't my decision and I'm not one of the people hurt by it, yet this lesson resonates with me. I think about other things that were hidden, things hidden from me, and how those things always came out. It would have been so much better if the person had been honest from the beginning instead of hiding the truth. Speaking up isn't easy, but the truth is so much better for the heart than a lie. A lie is only adding betrayal to the hurt a truth might cause. For me, a lie is also insulting because it implies I am unable to handle the truth. It robs me of the opportunity to demonstrate my understanding and to love them anyway. Yes, I can still love them after a lie, but it is different because a level of trust has been lost. Everything hidden will become known in the light so just be honest. 

Missed Lessons

I apologize that I haven't posted anything in the last few days. My thoughts have been on things I cannot know or comprehend. There are questions that still need answers and there is a sense of melancholy when my thoughts go to them.  Monterey offered a reprieve, at first, but there are some thoughts, as well as feelings, that you can't run away from. I attempted to redirect my thoughts, but this was only translated to busyness. I had the compulsion to keep going even though my feet ached and my eyes were heavy. Exhausted, I still went another mile just to avoid my thoughts. The truth is you can't avoid your thoughts forever; they have a way of sneaking up on you in unguarded moments. Every night I attempted to think of the day's lessons, but all I could think of was how exhausted I felt. Monterey did provide me with design inspiration, but that only led to more racing thoughts and once again a compulsion to see those projects to completion. I continued to read scripture and to follow along in my devotional, but avoiding my thoughts seemed to translate into avoiding prayer. I was still praying, but my prayers were almost mechanical. This was unacceptable and I refuse to let this attitude flourish. I had a reprieve and now I am rededicating myself to this daily discovery of God's lessons in my life. I won't allow my thoughts to dictate my relationship with God. How many lessons of truth have I missed in just these last few days? 

Living Life Through A Lens

I'm looking out over the ocean and amazed at the expansiveness of it. It is easy to feel small and insignificant. It is easy to get lost in the daily grind of life and forget our importance in this world. We only get one life and all too often that one life is filled with mundane tasks that seemed important at the time. That isn't to say that daily duties like working and taking care of a family aren't important because they are, through those tasks we are able to forge a living, but these tasks shouldn't define our lives. My own life has become defined by work and by education and by relationship status. And when I didn't meet the criteria I had hoped for or that society had deemed necessary then I was left feeling lost and hopeless. I know better than to measure myself against other people, but there are times that I still find myself doing it and I always feel I don't measure up. That's because I don't. See God didn't make me to be the same as the people around me so no matter what I do I will never measure up to them. Even if I did everything the same and was some how able to replicate their circumstances I wouldn't be able to duplicate their life. But that's a good thing because it gives us the chance to discover life on our own and make decisions that shape our life into our own unique self that no one else can duplicate.

I say this knowing that this is an area I struggle with. It isn't just about the lives of the people around me, but about my own expectations for my life. In general, unmet expectations lead to disappointment, frustration, and a sense of failure on our part. Expectations are formed on many things and define the decisions we make. Today, as I walked around Monterey, I noticed how many people are living their life through the lens of their phone, even as they are with other people. This isn't a new trend and I'm guilty of doing it too, but it made me think about the consequences of living through phones or social media. Expectations are being formed on the interactions we have through social media; unrealistic expectations. 

The last few months I have slowly withdrawn from social media and I have discovered two things:

1. Not having other people's accomplishments in my face 24/7 has allowed me to recognize my own, which means fewer unmet expectations.
2. Not seeing their updates (friends and family) has made me feel disconnected. 

The reality is that connections aren't made online, but forged in person. If I feel disconnected it is because I am not maintaining a relationship with them and not because I didn't read their latest post. Unfortunately, I have allowed social media to be the source of connections and have lost relationships. I don't want to just appear to be a part of their life, but to actually be a part of their life. A relationship prevents us from viewing them as competition we have to measure up to. I encourage you to take a step back and to see if your connections are only as deep as social media. And look up, enjoy the moment, and don't view the ocean only through the lens of your phone.

On The Wings Of Angels I Can Fly

Today I made the decision to walk away. If you have been reading my journey from the beginning then you are familiar with the story of my heartache. If you haven't then here is a recap: about 7 months ago the one I loved walked out of my life without an explanation and 5 months ago he started seeing someone else. It wasn't until this point, 5 months ago, that I knew it was even over and it was about this time that I decided to document my journey of faith. It wasn't about him, but because he consumed so much of my thoughts it became focused on lessons of forgiveness and love. The last 7 months I have tried desperately to find understanding and to achieve restoration of what I believe is rightfully mine, as much as a person can belong to you. This has led to a lot of heartache and inconsolable pain. Every reminder is a kidney punch and today I had enough. 

I made the decision to walk away from prayers that kept my thoughts focused on him. I didn't stop caring about his well-being or restoration, but daily praying for him kept him at the forefront of my thoughts. I made the decision to walk away from my study of the characteristics of love because each principle only reminded me of him. I didn't walk away from him or from restoration. Instead I  made the decision to hand it all over to God and to walk away so He could do what He wanted with it. I'm not giving up on love or advocating for love to be unfaithful, but rather I am choosing to be like Hosea. He allowed Gomer to go, to be unfaithful, and when God said it was time then he renewed his love for her. No matter how much I want that time to be now it just isn't.

This wasn't a decision I reached lightly and it involved more than a few tears mingled with prayers. I even enlisted the prayers of my friend because dealing with this alone has made me feel like I am drowning. This decision was made easier by the realization that on the wings of angels I can fly. I had spent the morning at iFly, an indoor skydiving facility, and faced my fears. I wasn't afraid of skydiving, but afraid that the "falling" associated with skydiving was the same as the drop of a roller coaster. There is a part of me that wanted to chicken out, but I faced my fears and I experience flying. 

Is there a decision you face today that scares you? Take heart, pray, and enlist the support of your friends or family. You are not alone. If you want me to pray for you specifically please let me know. 

Love Brings Unity

S scripture: "Father, keep them in Your name, the name which You have given Me, that they may be one even as We are." John 17:11

O observation: Love brings unity. The scripture makes clear the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit are one. There is unity between them and the unity makes the oneness possible; it allows for seamlessness between Them. If our model for love is Jesus then we too need unity with the one we love. We should be one and honor is only achieved if we first honor one another. This unity is not given, but a privilege to be striven for in love. 

A application: Work schedules, personality differences, and the circumstances of our lives all threaten unity. This is because the daily grind tends to make us lose focus of the bigger picture. We allow minute details to dictate responses and interactions in relationships. The focus on the daily struggle causes us to lose sight of the need to strive for unity. If we lose sight then unity is quickly dissolved. I know because I lost sight and small division became a wedge until it finally became a ravine. I am throwing my bridge out, but it has yet to reach the other side and there is no guarantee unity will be restored.

P prayer: God, I lost sight of unity and now face an impossible division. I ask for forgiveness and take heart knowing that You can do the impossible. I pray that the bridge to restoring unity would find ground. In Your loving name, Amen. 

Love's Motivation

S scripture: " Render service with a good attitude, as to the Lord and not to men." Ephesians 6:7

O observation: Love's motivation. Love motivated by external conditions of feelings will not be sustained. If we only love because we are loved then love is unable to persevere when love isn't returned. Yet, we know, love loves even when love isn't returned. Love can persevere because love is from God. When we love as way of honoring God then we know we have an endless supply of love's characteristics, like patience, to love one another with. Love honors God, but it also benefits others, those He has allowed us to love.

A application: I have spent time trying this [render service as to the Lord], but quickly found myself "rendering service" as to the conditions of my circumstances. The problem with this response is that it perpetuates the conditions further so something bad goes to worse and it becomes a never-ending cycle. Yet when I choose to "render service" as to the Lord I found that worse things became better. Today I choose to persevere and to continue to render service as to the Lord; remembering His love and not the conditions or feelings I am facing.

P prayer: God, forgive me for not loving in a way that honors You. I have seen the difference and yet I continue on my own way, which always leads to heartache and disappointment. Help me to not be stubborn and to love in a way that honors You. In Your loving name, Amen.