Progress

Life seems to happen in stages (birth, childhood, adolescence, college, marriage, children, retirement, and death) and we all have plan for our life at each of these stages, even when we shouldn't. I am a planner and I always have been. My entire childhood I knew exactly how each life stage would turn out. In the 5th grade I even wrote a short story about my plan as I looked through a magic mirror at various stages of my life. In short, I was going to graduate from Harvard, attend medical school, become a doctor, get married, and have twins.

Then life happened. When I was 12 years old, my older sister passed away and who I was changed. Suddenly, I was the oldest and I began to struggle. I was trying to live the life of someone 5 years older than me while still trying to be myself. I experienced a lot of frustration and dreams I had for myself fell apart. The first dream being Harvard. I knew I was no longer Harvard material, but I applied anyways, and the rejection letter was the very real proof that I didn't get to plan my life. In college, at University of California Davis, I realized I wasn't going to become a doctor either. Alright, I haven't quite given up on becoming a doctor, but I aware that it is not going to happen any time soon, especially considering my ongoing struggle with chemistry. These lost dreams were not devastating, although they were disappointing, and I don't feel my life is any poorer for not achieving them. Not to mention, I don't know if things would have been any different, at least as far as the dreams go, if my sister were still here today.

I'm thinking about life stages and lost dreams now as I see most of the people my age (friends,  family, and coworkers) reaching or achieving life stages I imagined I would be at already. I think we, as a society, put a lot of pressure on people, especially women, to achieve certain things before they become a certain age. I see this especially when women are in their twenties and society expects them to be engaged, married, pregnant, or with children already. If you aren't at a certain stage then people give you a look of pity and say something along the lines, "You'll be there someday." It doesn't matter if you're hesitant because of the past, you don't want that life, or you are physically unable to achieve that life stage. 

If we judged our progress in life based on reaching life stages, especially when everyone else did, we would spend most of life feeling like a failure. Progress should be personal. If we struggle with patience and then endured a brutal meeting at work without losing our temper that should be progress and not whether we achieved a promotion at the same time as a coworker. When you look at life in terms of your own progress, rather than what everyone else is doing, you realize you're a success. This is especially helpful when you feel you're in the same boat as last year just with new people. It is nice to be able to say, "No, I'm not. I'm more patient or more forgiving. I'm stronger or more willing to be happy." Recognizing progress gives you the opportunity to give thanks to God and see prayers answered.

Joseph

In life we will encounter struggle and how we respond will become a testimony to the people around us. Tonight, I'm thinking about Joseph. Joseph experienced 3 major struggles that we know about: his brothers sold him into slavery, then he was thrown into prison falsely accused of seducing a powerful man's wife, and finally he was responsible for feeding an entire nation during a 7 year famine. At any point Joseph could have responded in anger, after all the situations were unfair, but instead he made the best of it and succeeded. We might not like our circumstances, but we should respond as children of God, maintaining a righteous life.

When struggle is upon us, our tendency as humans is to kick in our heels and complain how unfair it is. We throw our wait around and whine about the circumstances. As children we are taught that things should be made fair ("Share with your friends or siblings"), but the reality is life isn't fair. I could spend time thinking about how much better everything would be if life were fair, but it would be time wasted because I can't change how life works, only how I respond to it.  Accepting life isn't fair and that the situations we encounter won't necessarily be fair either will save us time.

Struggle is a part of life and it won't always be fair, but learning to withstand and live righteous lives will change how struggle affects us. Our ability to withstand is made possible by God's promise to work everything together for the good of those who love God. Struggle strengths our faith and builds endurance. Struggle is invaluable to our lives. Joseph knew this and endured all of his struggles without compromising his integrity. At the end of his struggles he was in a position of power, able to help others, and had grown wise enough to know the importance of forgiveness.

 

Joseph forgave his brothers, the very brothers who had sold him into slavery, and bestowed his wealth on him. If he had mistreated them, almost all would have understood, but he didn't. Instead he was merciful, forgiving, and kind to his brothers. Joseph's response is perfect, "Who am I? I am not God. You intended to do me harm, but God intended it for good." Vengeance belongs to God, the only one qualified to judge, and he is just. Further, the malicious actions and intentions of others can and are easily worked together for the good.

Forgiveness is hard. I spent the first 20 years of my life struggling to forgive. Then one day I decided I had carried the anger around long enough and I forgave the people who hurt me. Forgiveness benefited me the most and set my heart free. When I struggle to forgive someone I remember God, who is perfect, forgave me so how much more should I be willing to forgive others. Forgiveness isn't easy, but it is a choice you should make today.

Stuck

Knights Ferry is so beautiful and holds a special place in my heart. Last summer I spent a few weekends there rafting and then one night watching a meteor shower. Knights Ferry is remote and doesn't have the harsh glare of city lights. At night it is pitch black, but the stars shine so brightly. Knights Ferry is a good destination to get away, to be close to nature, and to be close to God. Not to mention there are a few old buildings that are interesting to look at, including the covered bridge that is now closed to cars. Today, I spent some time in Knights Ferry. I felt nostalgic and a bit sad. I was there for a funeral, but the sadness I felt went beyond the loss of the person.

Yet, here in this remote spot I found God. He was there as I struggled with my sadness and as two thoughts stayed focused in my mind. First, I thought it would be nice to be friends with the pastor who would perform my funeral. That way the things I said would be honest and heartfelt. I realize this is a strange thought to have at a funeral, but never-the-less it was the thought I had. Second, my mom's friend hugged her and sobbed, "It would have been easier if I didn't love him." This made me cry. I thought about the one I love, the one I spent so many wonderful times with in Knights Ferry, and I thought about restoration. I then cried because it seemed that everything had changed and that nothing would be returned. 

I feel at a stalemate and am lost as to how to become unstuck. I am fully feeling the loop I am in, endless. This "endless" loop is draining me and I don't know how to break free. I am stuck. Tonight, I have prayed over and over again for the next step. Oh God, show me the way, that I might break free. Oh how thankful I am for God's endless love and willingness to listen even as I pray the same prayer. 

Powerful Prayer

Tonight, I am sitting here and I don't really know where to begin. I spent most of today avoiding anything painful, which is a lot harder to do when your day has down time. I have been so exhausted, physically and mentally, that I needed a break from heartache and sadness. I believed I was in such a need of a break that I took matters into my own hands and gave myself one, as I actively avoided anything that might bring me pain or heartache. I know that I am not alone in wanting to avoid painful experiences, but I realized at the end of the day I limited myself from learning any lesson of truth that I needed to experience. As much I would like to learn lessons in comfort, the reality is many of our lessons are learned through struggle, loss, and pain. Painful experiences are necessary in life. When we are allowed the opportunity to struggle we are also given the opportunity to pray, to have faith, and to watch as God blesses us with various experiences of His divine truth. Today, I avoided the struggle and any truth I may have experienced is left for another day, but I have this new appreciation for the painful experiences I will have. 

Kelsey

I didn't really feel I missed anything today, from the perspective of socializing, but then I read an update on my friend's blog Discover Lent With Me and remembered today is the 2 year anniversary of her daughter's car accident. Her daughter and I are friends, having grown up together.  She survived and we are so very grateful. Her story is miraculous and in it I experienced so much truth, particularly the power of prayer. I have felt at times my prayers weren't being answered, but then I look at my friend and see so many prayers answered in her. On the brink of death she was brought back, her life restored, and all of these seemingly impossible things were made possible in her life. Doctors would say she couldn't and she would show them she could. Her journey during the accident was documented on a Facebook page Kelsey Warren, Train Master. Every night her friends, her family, and complete strangers would tune in for an update on Kelsey. We prayed together, offered thanks for the progress she was making, and provided encouragement to one another. This tragedy brought so many people together and together we were able to share in the progress Kelsey was making. 

Tonight, I was thinking about this shared period of life and the prayers I prayed nightly for my friend. I remember days when I was literally on my knees begging God to restore Kelsey's body. I was heartbroken for my friend, but was so inspired by her wonderful family, who never once complained. Sometimes we need to be reminded of the big prayers that were answered in our life, such as all of my answered prayers in the life of my friend Kelsey. Otherwise I think our hearts would become discouraged when we don't necessarily see the little prayers answered. I think that our little prayers are being answered too, but I think it is harder to recognize the answers because they are more subtle. I understand that all of our prayers feel big at the time we pray them, but often times they are a product of our circumstances. Either way prayer, all prayer, is powerful so just pray.

Loss In The Middle

"It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart." -Mockingjay (3rd book in the Hunger Games trilogy)

Recently, my friend shared this quote with me and reflected on how easy it would be to fall apart. I know how easy it is and having struggled to put myself back together, after a loss that occurred two years ago, I vowed to not let myself fall apart again. But vowing to not let yourself fall apart is the same as saying "never", it will likely happen at some point. In the last month I encountered another loss and have struggled to not fall apart, but yesterday I gave in. Yesterday, I was a mess and in no shape for anything. I laid in bed and cried, too drained to even pray and if I started to pray I didn't have the words. It was all I could take just to be and I ended up giving in to the sadness and to the tears. In the end I managed to say one prayer and that prayer gave me strength. That one prayer was a release of a day's worth of worry and with that I fell asleep.

I thought about not sharing this moment of falling apart, this time of weakness, but I decided to share this experience because everyone is going to experience struggle, loss (actual and symbolic), and a sense of being defeated. There are times in life when feeling this way is normal and healthy, but it is important to remember this isn't a place we should stay for very long. If we continue to push forward when our resources are limited we become drained and our bodies break down physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. The lesson I learned yesterday was that I need permission to feel, at least for a moment, the reality of my loss or I begin to believe I am weak for breaking down. It is in these moments that I also need to remember it is ok to put my needs first sometimes. A balance between the needs of others and our own needs is important or we become drained. Sometimes this can be difficult when we are naturally caregivers and view putting our needs first as selfish, but it is important to remember we are unable to help others if we are drained or our resources.

Today, I am feeling much better and renewed. A large part of this has to do with a friend's blog post on the "Middle". She talked about how much of life is lived in the middle, preparing us for the end, when we are suppose to be like Jesus. In the midst of a struggle it is always helpful to be reminded "this isn't the end," but she went on to imagine what the 30 years of Jesus' life were like before the end (the 3 years of His ministry). She imagined that there were probably errors He encountered in His human form and these errors shaped Him into the Jesus we know today. This is reassuring in light of yesterday, where I couldn't escape the feeling of being a failure or feeling defeated. There is comfort in the realization that this is my middle and each error I make or struggle I experience is preparing me for the end. I am a flower of God's, waiting to bloom, but first I must establish roots and then push through the soil into the light. Darkness is not meant to last forever and is always cast away at the first sign of light.