Loss In The Middle

"It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart." -Mockingjay (3rd book in the Hunger Games trilogy)

Recently, my friend shared this quote with me and reflected on how easy it would be to fall apart. I know how easy it is and having struggled to put myself back together, after a loss that occurred two years ago, I vowed to not let myself fall apart again. But vowing to not let yourself fall apart is the same as saying "never", it will likely happen at some point. In the last month I encountered another loss and have struggled to not fall apart, but yesterday I gave in. Yesterday, I was a mess and in no shape for anything. I laid in bed and cried, too drained to even pray and if I started to pray I didn't have the words. It was all I could take just to be and I ended up giving in to the sadness and to the tears. In the end I managed to say one prayer and that prayer gave me strength. That one prayer was a release of a day's worth of worry and with that I fell asleep.

I thought about not sharing this moment of falling apart, this time of weakness, but I decided to share this experience because everyone is going to experience struggle, loss (actual and symbolic), and a sense of being defeated. There are times in life when feeling this way is normal and healthy, but it is important to remember this isn't a place we should stay for very long. If we continue to push forward when our resources are limited we become drained and our bodies break down physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. The lesson I learned yesterday was that I need permission to feel, at least for a moment, the reality of my loss or I begin to believe I am weak for breaking down. It is in these moments that I also need to remember it is ok to put my needs first sometimes. A balance between the needs of others and our own needs is important or we become drained. Sometimes this can be difficult when we are naturally caregivers and view putting our needs first as selfish, but it is important to remember we are unable to help others if we are drained or our resources.

Today, I am feeling much better and renewed. A large part of this has to do with a friend's blog post on the "Middle". She talked about how much of life is lived in the middle, preparing us for the end, when we are suppose to be like Jesus. In the midst of a struggle it is always helpful to be reminded "this isn't the end," but she went on to imagine what the 30 years of Jesus' life were like before the end (the 3 years of His ministry). She imagined that there were probably errors He encountered in His human form and these errors shaped Him into the Jesus we know today. This is reassuring in light of yesterday, where I couldn't escape the feeling of being a failure or feeling defeated. There is comfort in the realization that this is my middle and each error I make or struggle I experience is preparing me for the end. I am a flower of God's, waiting to bloom, but first I must establish roots and then push through the soil into the light. Darkness is not meant to last forever and is always cast away at the first sign of light.