Bags are packed and I am ready for this journey of faith. If you read my welcome post then you probably remember that my recent hurt and struggle have convinced me to start a daily journey to discover God. Last night, I felt plagued by hurt and struggled with my emotions. I desperately wanted to express myself, to communicate to certain people in my life that they hurt me, and to start the path of restoration in these relationships. Yesterday, and this morning, I was conflicted over my desire to express myself. I thought expressing my hurt meant I wasn't showing forgiveness. My desire is to be like Jesus and Jesus forgives, always. Forgiveness is my priority, but there are still all of these emotions associated with the hurt. Not to mention, how do you repair a relationship without acknowledging the hurt?
All night and morning I was plagued by this conflict. I prayed, I reviewed scripture, but still I felt uncertain. Finally, I was drawn to Google and entered the search "Is it Christian to express your hurt?". I was desperate for answers. I have spent much of my life feeling I didn't have permission to express my hurt, that I should forgive and forget, but I couldn't escape the desire to express myself. I needed permission. I read a few articles (How do I respond to someone who hurt me? and Do Yourself A Favor...Forgive: An Interview With Joyce Meyer) and came to the conclusion that I had permission to be honest about my feelings. I could express the hurt these people had caused me as long as I did so in the context of restoration. Expressing myself to them and their reaction to my expression could not influence my forgiveness of them and I could not seek vengeance. After all, "'Vengeance is mine,' said the Lord" (Romans 12:19).
This morning, I accepted my first lesson: I had permission to express myself, and expressed my hurt to two people who had hurt me. Only one responded, but there was this sense of relief after I expressed myself. In one relationship there is restoration and peace. That is enough for now. God is at work in the other one's heart and I trust when the time is right there will be restoration in that relationship too.
Trust. Trust has always been an interesting concept to me. I have struggled my entire life with trust. This struggle with trust is not specific to my relationship with God, but just a general characteristic of my personality. Tonight, watching the Big Valley Grace sermon on Abraham by Pastor Gordon Rumble, I was struck by the trust Abraham showed in his life. It was in the middle of this sermon that I learned my second lesson for the day. The second lesson is this: to have faith and to trust God. To not focus on my plan, the whens, the whys, or the hows, but rather to focus on God. Abraham went when he didn't know where he was going. If he can have faith then so can I.
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