Stuck

Knights Ferry is so beautiful and holds a special place in my heart. Last summer I spent a few weekends there rafting and then one night watching a meteor shower. Knights Ferry is remote and doesn't have the harsh glare of city lights. At night it is pitch black, but the stars shine so brightly. Knights Ferry is a good destination to get away, to be close to nature, and to be close to God. Not to mention there are a few old buildings that are interesting to look at, including the covered bridge that is now closed to cars. Today, I spent some time in Knights Ferry. I felt nostalgic and a bit sad. I was there for a funeral, but the sadness I felt went beyond the loss of the person.

Yet, here in this remote spot I found God. He was there as I struggled with my sadness and as two thoughts stayed focused in my mind. First, I thought it would be nice to be friends with the pastor who would perform my funeral. That way the things I said would be honest and heartfelt. I realize this is a strange thought to have at a funeral, but never-the-less it was the thought I had. Second, my mom's friend hugged her and sobbed, "It would have been easier if I didn't love him." This made me cry. I thought about the one I love, the one I spent so many wonderful times with in Knights Ferry, and I thought about restoration. I then cried because it seemed that everything had changed and that nothing would be returned. 

I feel at a stalemate and am lost as to how to become unstuck. I am fully feeling the loop I am in, endless. This "endless" loop is draining me and I don't know how to break free. I am stuck. Tonight, I have prayed over and over again for the next step. Oh God, show me the way, that I might break free. Oh how thankful I am for God's endless love and willingness to listen even as I pray the same prayer.