God's Will Part 2

A few days ago I wrote about a desire to understand God's Will and shared the first part of a two part sermon on God's Will. Today I watched part two of the sermon and thought that it would be helpful to understand what God's will does say for your life. This sermon was written especially for single or engaged people and has questions for you and your partner to answer, but is still applicable if you are married. To recap part one of sermon: your feelings are not a reliable source of knowing God's will, the advice you receive is not a reliable source of knowing God's will, the culture is not a reliable source of knowing God's will, and your circumstances are not a reliable source of knowing God's will. It isn't that these four things are necessarily bad, but that they don't actually indicate God's will. In my own life I have relied on my feelings to attune me to what God's will was for my life and I acted upon my feelings, the actions seemed rational and part of God's will, but occasionally the outcome was actually contrary to God's will (as recorded in the Bible). This doesn't just happen to me, and God can work our mistakes together for our good, but if we want to live the will of God  then we need to know God's word.

Part two of Understanding the Will of God lists 8 examples of God's word showing God's will for our lives. So what does God's word actually say about God's will?

1) It is God's will that you love Him above all else. This is seen in Matthew 22:36-38 and Luke 14:26-27.  Jesus said the greatest commandment God gave us was to love Him with all our hearts, all our souls, and all our minds. Remember that the Old Testament frequently refers to God as a jealous God and that He desires us to be His and His alone. This means that our hearts can't be tied up to other gods or material possessions. Our love for God should be so great that the love we have in comparison for other people seems like hate.  Do you love God above all else? Does the person you're dating love God above all else?

2) It is God's will that you love people. This is seen in Matthew 22:37-40, Ephesians 5:1-2, Colossians 3:12-14, John 13:35, and 1 Corinthians 13:1-3. Jesus says this commandment is equally as important as the commandment to love God above all else. You can't claim to love God if you hate your brother because God is love. Your love for one another will prove that you are disciples of Jesus. This love extends to our enemies, our neighbors, our family, and our friends. We aren't allowed to choose who we love, we are to love everyone. Loving another person means that we meet their needs the same as we would meet our own. If they are hungry then we feed them, if they are thirsty then we give them something to drink, and if they are cold then we clothe them. Do you care about people? Does the person you're dating care about people?

3) It is God's will that you become like Jesus. This is seen in Romans 8:29. Our goal should be that our lives would constantly become more like Jesus, with the understanding that we will never be able to completely become like Jesus. In order to become more like Jesus you have to know the life Jesus led. Is your life being transformed into the image of Jesus? Do you see Jesus in the person you're dating?

4) It's God's will that you live a pure and disciplined lifestyle. This is seen in 1 Thessalonians 4:3-4, Titus 2:11-13, and 1 Peter 1:13-16. Our lives are meant to be holy, they should be set apart from the lives of the unbelievers, and be a life that gives unbelievers a reason to know Jesus. This is a controversial point in modern culture, but I challenge you to think about it this way: if every person in the world lived a pure and disciplined lifestyle there would not be sexually transmitted diseases, AIDS, or babies born out of wedlock. Babies are a blessing, but babies born in a dysfunctional family (this is the case for most babies born out of wedlock) are born into the world with adult problems and their life begins with struggle. All people don't follow this point and there is a lot of heartache because of it, but God can work it all together for the good of those who love Him so don't give up. Do you work hard to live a holy life? Is the person you're dating able to control him or herself? Is he or she living a holy life?

5) It's God's will that you live with an attitude of gratitude. This is seen in 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, Romans 8:28, and Philippians 4:4-5. We are called to have grateful hearts, to focus on what we have rather than what we don't, and to be joyful in all circumstances. This doesn't mean we are joyful for our circumstances, but that we are able to be joyful in all circumstances. You might not be joyful for your cancer, but you should be joyful while you have cancer. Joy is not the result of circumstances, but a constant presence in the love of God, which exists in all circumstances. I know it is difficult to be thankful always, but I have found that if you end each day thanking God for 3 things that happened in your day, you are more likely to have a grateful attitude. Are you a thankful person? Does the person you're dating have an attitude of gratitude?

6) It's God's will that you honor Him with your wealth. This is seen in Proverbs 3:9, 1 Corinthians 16:1-2, and 2 Corinthians 8:1-5. God does not need our money, everything is already His, but giving Him the first part of our wealth is giving Him honor and thanking Him for His blessings. I imagine when your bills are due or you really want to buy something that you are pretty thankful for your wealth so remember to thank God because He has blessed you with that money. Do you honor the Lord with part of your wealth? Does the person you're dating honor the Lord with a part of his or her wealth?

7) It's God's will that you obey His word. This is seen in John 10:24-27, John 14:23-24, John 17:6-8, 1 John 2:3-6, 1 John 5:3, James 1:22, John 7:17, and 2 Corinthians 13:5. If God didn't want us to obey His word then He wouldn't have had it written down for us. There would be no point of a written record of His commands if we weren't expected to follow them. Do you have a desire to obey God's word? Does the person you're dating have a desire to obey God's word?

8) It's God's will that you do not marry an unbeliever. This is seen in 2 Corinthians 6:14-15. Obeying this aspect of God's will prevents heartache in the future, especially if children will be involved. 11 years ago I began dating a young man, who initially said he was a believer, but after we started dating said he wasn't. Honestly, I could have walked away right then and forgot all about him, my pastor even encouraged me to do this, but I didn't. Now that isn't to say that I accepted his unbelief, but rather I took it as an opportunity to introduce him to God. Over the 3-4 years of our relationship I demonstrated God's love for him and each morning I would call him to read him a devotional. I didn't accept no as an answer and for his part he was receptive to listening. I gave him my Bible and let God work in his heart. At the end of our relationship he finally accepted Jesus into his heart and is still a believer to this day. I don't regret dating him, but I would be lying if I said him being an unbeliever wasn't challenging. I mention this because I don't think anyone should give up on someone who is receptive to hearing the word of God, but there isn't a guarantee that they will believe so hold off on marrying that person and save yourself some unnecessary heartache. Are you dating someone who isn't a follower of Jesus?

I challenge everyone to think over these 8 points and to answer the questions at the end of each point. This will give you understanding of how well you really follow God's will and give you an idea of areas that you struggle in. 

Anger

Today I have struggled with anger. My unguarded moments were filled with intense, undeniable anger toward a person and the situation I find myself in with this same person. I'm not proud of this, but at more than one unguarded moment I found myself wishing I never met this person. I wanted to go back in time and un-meet this person, forever changing the next 8 years of my life. That should indicate the level of anger I felt towards this person that I was willing to throw away an 8 year relationship.

Throughout the day I just kept reminding myself to not let my anger lead to sin. I then spent the evening reading what the Bible says about anger. Anger is not always a sin. When God is angry (Psalms 7:11, Mark 3:5) it is referred to as righteous indignation and believers are encouraged to be angry about the same things (Ephesians 4:26). There are two words in Greek that mean anger: one means "passion, energy" and the other means "agitated, boiling." Biblically, anger is God-given energy intended to help us solve problems. Examples of anger in the Bible include David being upset over hearing Nathan the prophet sharing an injustice (2 Samuel 12) and Jesus' anger over how some of the Jews had defiled worship at God's temple in Jerusalem (John 2: 13-18). Neither of these examples involved self-defense, but rather a defense of others or of a principle.

Anger at an injustice inflicted against oneself is also appropriate as long as it doesn't lead to sin. We are called to be slow to anger and to leave vengeance to the Lord. Anger should not linger in our hearts and we should forgive quickly (Ephesians 4: 26-27). Jesus preached to pray for our enemies and to turn the other cheek when struck. So as the day closes I am reminded to let go of my anger, to pray for the person who hurt me, and to leave the rest to God. There isn't much more that you can do without anger leading to sin.

There will always be people who will hurt you and cause you to be angry. Do not sin in your anger.

Focus

This evening I spent some time reflecting on my journey so far and was reminded over and over again of my need to let go. Even now I am holding onto expectations and desires for my life. I am clearly seeing a plan and keep finding myself disappointed when my plan doesn't happen. It doesn't help that I am looking ahead, knowing what I want or need, and not knowing if it will be answered. I want to know and yet I know I don't get to know.

Today I am trying to change my focus and do the things I can control. I am taking all of my plans, my hopes, and my dreams and letting go. I am relinquishing control over the things I never really had control of to begin with. God knows the desires of my heart and He also knows my needs. Letting go allows me to rejoice for what I have as I have it rather than being disappointed for what I don't have. This isn't going to be easy. We, as humans, need to have a sense of control or we begin to feel anxious and insecure in our surroundings. I am not giving up control, but choosing to focus on what I can control  instead.

I began this shift in focus today. I looked at my environment and I didn't like what I saw so I spent the afternoon cleaning and organizing. I rid myself of the things that were making me overwhelmed and that no longer served a purpose in my life. There is still more to do, but tonight I am satisfied with the progress made. I also have control over what I eat, my budget, and my physical health. The results I see are based on my actions, I have control, and I am not consumed in disappointment because expectations weren't met.

Finally, my focus is shifted to living out God's will rather than anticipating His plans. I am able to read the Bible, know how I am suppose to live, and I have control over my actions. I will take care of my part, living according to God's will, and allow God to take care of His part, working everything together for the good of those who Him. I am ready to relinquish my control over to God.

God's Will

Today has been confusing and put a lot of weight on my heart. I woke up with the intent of sharing good news and rejoicing together in my success. The joy was short lived when I was made to feel guilty about my success and circumstances outside my control. Everyone seems to miss when something is unfair to you and only remember when it is unfair to them. I just wanted to be happy that a 9 year burden had been lifted off of my chest and that new possibilities were on the horizon. Instead I felt guilty for my success. 

It didn't help that I was already feeling down because circumstances prevented me from enjoying a favorite event of my youth. There were so many photos from today and I was filled with a longing to be present, but I knew I couldn't be. Yesterday was an eye opener and I need to be responsible for my feelings. Going to the event would have been inviting trouble for myself. I know it would open me up to feeling those feelings again and I don't want to go back to that dark space of anger.

I though about my feelings a lot today and couldn't align what I was feeling with God's direction for how to live our lives. It was confusing. I thought again about being a stubborn child who refuses to hear "no" and won't let go. My heart weighed heavy in my chest. I didn't know how to make sense of any of it. Then I tuned into a sermon on God's Will. It was the first sermon in the series and the focus was how you won't hear God's will: you won't hear God's will in your feelings, in the advice given you, in your culture, or in your circumstances. 

While the pastor repeated "God's will," I think it is important to make the distinction between how God wants us to live and how the things that happen (the good, the bad, the mistakes, the accidents, etc.) work together for our good. The Bible provides instructions on how we are suppose to live while everything working together for our good is one of God's truths that we live out. His will would be the Bible and His plans how everything works out. I think it is time I turn my focus to His will. 

Personal Responsibility

Today is about a lesson in personal responsibility. Personal responsibility is hard to come by in recent years. It doesn't matter who you are, taking responsibility for your actions without passing blame is difficult. I don't know why taking responsibility is so hard and that isn't saying taking personal responsibility is easy for me. I just mean that I don't have an easy explanation for why it is so hard. Is it pride, fear of judgment, an obsession with other people's opinions? Whatever the reason, taking personal responsibility is difficult, but is necessary for strong relationships with God and others.

Today I was challenged to identify areas I needed to take responsibility for my actions, to pray and become right with God, and then to take responsibility for my actions with the people I had wronged. I attempted to do this, but nothing weighed on my heart and I even prayed for God to show me. It isn't that I haven't wronged anyone, but that I try to take responsibility and apologize when my actions have wounded someone. There is one relationship I am seeking to restore and so my intent is to ask him directly if there is any hurt I have caused that wasn't made amends for. The opportunity didn't present itself today, but when it does I am prepared to take responsibility.

I went about today and then was reminded of another person. The feelings I felt towards this person were unpleasant and I realized I was on the verge of hating this person. I took responsibility for these feelings and asked God to help me deal with these feelings. Part of that was exploring why I was feeling the way I was. Now that I am aware of these feelings and have some understanding of the reasons behind these feelings, I can take responsibility and hopefully prevent these feelings from turning into actions. 

I don't really have answers and there are more than a few loose ends, but I know that I need to take personal responsibility for all of my actions and feelings. This is what I can control, this is what I can do to make my relationships right with God and others. 

Greatest Rewards

"What you are most afraid of is where your greatest rewards are," God Wants You To Know. This is the message I woke up to and I have to admit that it fits with this week. The last few days I have been plagued by fear and anxiety about today. Today was the day of the dreaded appointment, the appointment that held the potential to dramatically change my life, and the appointment that seemed like a key to solving many other problems I was facing. The importance of this appointment led to fear over the outcome and anxiety about not being ready or prepared enough for a successful outcome. I have prayed almost continuously the last few days about today.

Today's God Wants You To Know Message had perfect timing. The reason I was afraid was because I knew the rewards available and I desperately needed them in my life. Unfortunately, realizing your need for something doesn't mean God is necessarily going to provide for your need in the way you want or expect it to be answered. This is what leads to my fear and to my anxiety about the outcome: my focus is very specific to how the outcome meets my need rather than on the belief my need will be met. 

This morning's reaction to the appointment, prior to the outcome, showed me this is an area of real struggle. The other messages I was bombarded with suddenly made sense. The Facebook page for God's Daily Women had posted several images of Bible verses and other inspirational messages about God's truth. The messages seemed to alternate between asking/trusting God for whatever we needed and His presence during our struggles. Perhaps this morning, as I read these posts, these other messages were meant as encouragement for what lay ahead. Regardless of the appointment's outcome God would be there and that I should focus on that truth rather than on the outcome itself.

The appointment was a success, the burden has been lifted, but what I learned the most was changing my focus and not allowing the potential outcome to have such a negative impact on my physical and mental health. There was no reason for today's anxiety and fear. God held the outcome in His hand.

Be Anxious For Nothing

Today, again, I have felt unsure and unready. When you are nervous or anxious it is difficult to regain focus. I prayed over and over again, but I never was able to regain my calm. I am reminded of Philippians 4:6 "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." I continued to pray, trusting God to relieve my anxiety, and let my requests be made known to God.

The truth is we can pray the same prayer and receive different answers each time. Deep down inside of me there is an instinctual need to trust God, but sometimes I am afraid of the things I see on the horizon. I know I shouldn't be afraid, but I am. My fears are logical, usually, but then there are the irrational fears that involve other people. These fears have to do largely with what other people think or will think based on the outcome. The truth is other people's opinions shouldn't control your actions or responses to events. God's perfect love for us has made us valuable treasures. His opinion is the only one that matters. Focus on Him.

Not Ready

Today has been interesting: a lot of things that don't make sense or are just out of the blue have happened. Today, when my thoughts weren't on trying to make sense of the things that had happened, they were on feelings of not being ready. Over and over again, throughout the day, I repeated, "I'm not ready." There wasn't exactly anxiety, but an uncomfortable feeling. Hesitation must have been on my heart because both God Wants Me To Know Messages were on timing. 

The first was "There is a right time," and referred to doing things according to our natural rhythm. The second was "Now is the right time," and was about this moment being the exact moment God wanted me in. The last few days I have struggled with this and I can't help, but believe God is trying very hard for me to be in this moment with Him and to just trust His plan. I might not know about tomorrow or the outcome of events or choices I have made, but I know that I am where God wants me to be and that is enough. It is enough to know that I haven't ventured off the path and I am right where I need to be.

Hosea And Love's Faithfulness

I prayed about today. I asked for an indication of my hope, I desired to know if my hope was sound, but if what happened today is meant as an indication, then my hope is gone. It is over. The last few days, today included, have been hard on me and I have struggled to understand while sorting through the pieces of my broken heart. Honestly, I am still confused and if I gain understanding in one area, it falls apart in light of some other area. Tonight, not willing to feel this way anymore, I prayed a selfish prayer. I asked for my feelings towards the one I love to be removed from my heart. I added if he wasn't going to be a part of my life, but the sentiment was the same, I didn't want to feel this way anymore.

Then I began to read and I read about Hosea. For those who don't know, Hosea was a powerful man and God told him to marry a prostitute. Hosea and the prostitute, Gomer, had a life together, he loved her very much, but Gomer was unfaithful anyways. A time goes by and God tells Hosea to renew his love for Gomer. This time he had to purchase her from the slave's block. Now their story is meant as an example of God's own love for us, but the story was incorporated into a larger message about love being faithful.

I read this passage and felt God pointing out the words, "love is faithful even when love isn't returned." I had prayed my prayer, no longer wanting to be tied to this other person, and God showed me He had no intention of answering that prayer. The love I feel in my heart, though it gives me pain, is meant to stay. Love is faithful. Love loves even when love isn't returned. There were the words, written in black and white, that showed the sacrifice I was expected to make. The sacrifice being the continued feelings of heartache I will still have. 

I don't know the purpose of this, but I can't deny God wants me to keep loving. It kind of fits with this morning though, when I told the one I love that I loved him, knowing that he wouldn't respond or return the love in any way. Sometimes the words are more their benefit, even if you don't see the results, than for our own. I didn't need him to tell me he loved me, although it is always nice to hear I love you.

Renewal

Yesterday was difficult, all night long I laid awake, and for most of today I was upset. I'll admit I behaved like a spoiled child, even thinking juvenile things that were contrary to my knowledge and belief about God. I continued to pray, not even knowing what to say, but knowing that I needed to fix my relationship with God. Part of my anger was in the fact that I was praying and not receiving any answers. Right now I don't know if this was a test, the way Satan tested Job, or if this is another step in God's plan for me and I am just too close to recognize it as such.

But today, as I watched a reenactment of Jesus' death, I couldn't help but think that Jesus' wouldn't have endured all of that to just be mean now. As I stated earlier I was behaving like a spoiled child and was angry when I didn't get what I wanted. Now I still don't understand the purpose behind it, but I'm willing to wait to see what it is. And I'm experiencing a renewed sense of hope, hope that I thought was completely gone with yesterday. Hope was found in the completion of a simple task and anticipation for dreams not yet seen.

So my crisis of faith lasted about 24 hours and I know to some that might not seem like much, but it was the longest 24 hours of my life and took a considerable toll on me. I want everyone to know that crises happen, we are human, but how we respond determines how we deal with our relationship with God going forward. From the beginning I took everything to God. I told Him I was angry and that I felt betrayed. God is big enough to handle our anger, but we need to respectful and to not sin in our anger. I admitted that how I felt didn't seem like the God I knew, but that I couldn't make sense of this any other way. I expressed my desire for understanding as a means of restoring my relationship with Him. My prayers weren't answered immediately, but I continued to pray anyways, even when I couldn't find the words.

I really have no idea about tomorrow, but I have a renewed sense of hope and willingness to wait for things not yet seen. 

Crisis

My heart is heavy, I am angry, and I feel betrayed. All the hope I had has been taken away from me with a single post to Facebook. Everything I depended on and thought was true from last week appears to have been a lie. I was on the verge of humbling myself, to ask for a favor, all in the hope that for once I would have a birthday that meant something. This year I was going to finally be happy and even have unanswered prayers answered. Then it was all gone, a single post ended my hope, and broke my heart. My heart still had the ability to break and I hurt more than I ever did before.

I am angry with God. I told Him not to bring back my love if He was only going to take him away again. It wasn't fair. Taking him away again was mean an unnecessary. Why answer my prayers just to have me get my hopes up? I know God isn't mean or spiteful, but I can't understand why He allowed this to happen. He allowed me to fall in love all over again only to tell me once again I don't get the one I love.Why? For what purpose did it serve? I already knew I couldn't have him. I didn't need to be teased with the possibility. 

I reached out to other people today, but they can't or won't understand. The consensus seems to be that it all was in my head and I deserve better. I then endured the people I needed telling me the one I love wasn't good and didn't deserve my love. It didn't matter how I feel or what I wanted. I feel even more alone and don't know what to do. I feel even more alone and don't know what to do. I reached out because I was having a crisis of faith and I didn't want one feeling of betrayal to end a relationship of 25 years.

I am struggling. I feel defeated and betrayed by the very one I thought would always protect me. I don't understand. It was all unnecessary. I know my relationship with Jesus will be restored, but right now I can't escape the feelings of betrayal and deep heartache. There has been so much I have undergone and not once did I question Jesus, but this, this return of the one I love only to take him away, was unnecessary. The only purpose can be heartache and that doesn't accomplish anything except sadness. I had already resolved I didn't get him. I didn't need this. I really didn't.

5 Reasons of Waiting

Once again I find myself in a place of waiting. The problem with waiting is not having all of the details. From my perspective, I have it figured out, I know what needs to happen, and now I want God to act on my time frame. But rarely does God do things according to our time frame. This leads to disappointment, feelings of discouragement, and if we aren't careful to the belief God doesn't care or is mad at us. God is noted many times in the scripture to do things in His time, He isn't in a hurry, and it seems He always has a plan and a purpose for everything. God has good reasons for making us wait. Waiting is a part of life and one of God's tools for developing us.

Waiting reveals our true motives. If our motives are unpure, we aren't going to wait around long because we don't really care to see it through. The interest is in short term gains or successes. We need to make sure what we want to accomplish is not for ourselves or to protect our egos.

Waiting builds patience in our lives. Patience in small things leads to patience in bigger things. The problem we encounter is often our perspective. God's interests are in influencing and changing people while our's are more often selfish. We want what WE want, what WE need, and when WE want it rather than what is best for the people around us. 

Waiting builds anticipation. The longer we have to wait for something the more we appreciate it. When we appreciate something, we have a tendency to take better care of it, and when we are waiting on someone, we are more likely to love them like Jesus loves us. 

Waiting transforms our character. Like a piece of charcoal that needs pressure to be transformed into a diamond, waiting has a way of rubbing off the rough edges of our lives. Moses was impatient and rough in his youth. He killed a man and even discarded of the body before trying to escape his sin, but 40 years in the desert transformed his character. It was then that God could use him to deliver the Israelite from the Egyptians. This time he did God's way and in God's time.

Waiting builds intimacy and dependency upon God. Waiting during the difficult times developed a relationship with God for the great men and women in the Bible. The good news is that God never asks us to wait without him.

Expectations

Expectations fill our lives and often lead to disappointment. Our expectations range from other people's behaviors to anticipated dates or events and finally to God's will for our lives. Today my expectations weren't met and in some instances this was a good thing. For instance, I had this expectation a parent would show up for their child's performance and then I had the expectation the parent wouldn't show, this was based on their statement alone. In this last expectation, I was challenged to comfort the child, who was distraught, not knowing what to say and then my expectations weren't met: the parent showed up and was there for the child.

Then there was the desire for an invitation and the expectation it would be met. After all, I followed the same procedure I had done the last two days. Yet, that expectation wasn't met. Instead I slept, exhausted, and unmet expectations didn't seem so disappointing. Then there are the new expectations we form when old expectations aren't met or aren't met in the way we had hoped. These new expectations have the same pitfalls as the old expectations: no matter how much we know we can never know everything and our expectations are flawed. Shakespeare once wrote, "Expectation is the root of all heartache." Shakespeare is right, expectation leads to heartache, and reveals more about us than anything else. When you release expectations, you are free to enjoy things for what they are instead of what you think they should be.

Today, and in life, what messes me up the most is the picture in my head of how it is supposed to be, how I would do it, or what I desire the most. God loves us and only wants what is best for us, which can either mean trials or blessings. Wrong motives, selfish expectations, are sinful and will not be met (Proverbs 10:28, Proverbs 11:7). While right motives, expectations thought of in the Holy Spirit, can be amazing (Philippians 3:20-21, Philippians 1:20-21). Our expectations should be on God's truth for God never disappoints, His truth is always there for us.

Tears, Fear, and Prayers

Last night was wonderful, which is why today has been so confusing. Restoration seemed not only possible, but inevitable and I became afraid. Suddenly, I had something to lose again and not talking about where we were or what we wanted left me unsure of what had happened. Today, I was very emotional and I cried a lot because of fear. I remembered last night, the last 24 hours of praying continuously, and watching my prayers being answered in unexpected ways.

In my tears and my fear, I prayed and I prayed some more. I wanted instant results, I was very sad, but God's timing is perfect and I continued to pray and wait. It took all day and into the evening before I saw my prayers answered. Nothing happened specifically, but casual conversation reassured me. I know God is teaching me to wait, to be patient, and to relay on Him for answers to my prayers. Today has shown me what I need and I am learning to trust God more and more. His plan for me is perfect and better than I could ever imagine. 

Answered Prayers

Turning back yesterday left me with a clear purpose for today. Yesterday, God put into my heart the words I would use today and without knowing the outcome I sent those words to the one I love. The last few days I had spent praying about today. I saw today as a pivotal moment in restoration. I don't know how it would work or what would happen, but I prayed for today to be restoration and then tried to remove all doubt from my heart. 

I sent those words, had just about given up when I started to pray, and then my phone began to vibrate. It was him, the one I love, and the words God gave me led him to decide we needed to talk. I was nervous and anxious, that could mean so many things, but I expressed my fears and my willingness to talk anyways. He reassured me and we arranged to meet for dinner. And then, maybe because God knew I was so anxious, he delayed coming and I began to fear he wouldn't come at all. My heart turned heavy and I began to pray again. I laid my head down, I was very tired, and just as I had almost given up and was going to sleep, he was there. The moment had arrived. My nerves were still there, but they were significantly less than they were hours before.

God knew I needed some time, to relax, and to just be focused on something else (like being glad he showed up when I thought he wasn't going to). He also knew I needed what happened next, an evening and late night of reminiscing, of joking, and just enjoying each other's company. We didn't talk about what happened, what he wanted to talk about, or what anything meant. It wasn't that the night wasn't productive, it just served a different purpose. For me, it was this relaxing night, after too many stressful ones, that reminded my heart it was right to love this other person. That what happened wasn't as important as him and the value I gave him in my life. I could have nagged him or demanded we talk, but it wouldn't have been as effective as showing I cared about him. For him, I hope the night was a reminder of my love and a manifestation of a safe place to be. 

Turning Back

I don't fully understand today's lesson, but I know it has to do with turning back, about checking facts or confirming knowledge before proceeding, and that in turning back I was prevented from pain or embarrassment. The turning back presented its own puzzle and brought with it feelings of frustration, but there was this undeniable evidence that turning back prevented additional struggles. Despite the fact that one of the turning backs left me confused about tomorrow, I am still grateful and know the benefit of turning back.

I guess the real lesson is changing our attitude. Yes, we could get frustrated by the roadblocks or turn backs (I did) or we could recognize it as God's plan and know it is only for our benefit, which should produce gratitude or praise for God. Think of the family who had a flat tire on the way to Disneyland and missed a huge accident that would have killed them all. That turn back saved their lives. Not everything is meant to frustrate us, but simply meant to redirect us back on to the right path, God's path for us. 

Busyness

Busyness. There is this quote that stands out to me, it is from a Big Bang Episode, "I was too busy. Too busy to help my own mother." This comes after one of the characters' mom passes away while on vacation. Every time I watch this episode his words stand out to me. There is this belief in life that we are too busy, maybe we are, and that we don't have time for others, but there will be time later. Except later is not guaranteed, for you or for the others you're putting off. 

Yesterday, I was very busy working on my Reverse Lent challenge for my other blog, catching up on my to-do list, and trying to get a jump start of reading for my second quarter of classes. But I made a point to stop, to spend time with the people around me, and to enjoy their presence, rather than viewing them as a distraction. Part of that meant spending some time at my sister's graveside. Spending time there is a reminder life is precious and people are more important than deadlines or material possessions. Remember your entire life can change in an instant. Appreciate all you have now. 

Memories

I don't know what to say. Today, I have been sad. Not in tears, not lying in bed, but just beneath everything I felt sadness. There wasn't any reason, as in nothing had happened, but the sadness was still there. Before I get comments about depression or referrals for anti-depressants, I am not depressed. The sadness I feel today is a longing for the one I love, remembering so many wonderful memories, and a desire for restoration. There is also this intense need to get away, away from the places we shared, and just be somewhere else. I want to be far away this minute and yet I have responsibilities that keep me here. I dream of travel, of seeing new places, and meeting new people. My fear of loneliness when I travel alone can't stop me. I must face my fear and accommodate traveling alone. If only because I need to get away. I need change and moving doesn't seem an option. 

I share these moments because I never want anyone to feel ashamed when they experience feelings of sadness. Sadness will happen in each of our lives, but sadness isn't a place we have to stay in. When I feel sad, I pray and I give it all over to God. I can't change the circumstances I am in, but I can pray and God can change the situation. He can either change the circumstances I am in or change my perception of these circumstances. When you feel sad, do not be ashamed, for sadness is a temporary state that can change the moment you begin to pray.

Fear

Fear: the four letter word that often is a powerful anchor, preventing us from doing or saying something. Fear is seen in the child, who is afraid when his Darth Vader toy comes "alive and follows him". Fear is seen in the adult, who is afraid to make an appointment because she fears the outcome. Fear is natural, an emotion that alerts our bodies to possible dangers, but it isn't healthy to allow fear to control our lives. There are 365 references to fear in the Bible, a reminder daily to not be afraid, because God didn't want fear to control our lives. 

"Do not be afraid for I am with you," Isaiah 41:10. For the Christian, there is no reason to be afraid. God is with us every step that we take. Fear will arise, it is a natural process, but we choose how we respond to it. We can either give in to it, allowing it to control our lives, or we can trust God to be there when we confront it. Even doctors and other medical professionals know the best way to treat fear is head on. The number one therapy for phobias being aversion therapy. The only way to treat fear, to overcome it, is to face it. And don't fret for the Lord, your God, is with you always.

Reminders

There are certain Christian truths that I know and yet I need that reminder in times of hardship, in much the same way we need to hear someone loves us after a fight. We know, but that reminder brings comfort and allows us to draw a breath. I think reminders are necessary and important on this journey of faith, they are the road signs along the path. When something inspires me, I save it to my phone or my iPad, which is nice, but everything is scattered and it occurred to me it would be better to have it in one place. I took some time and created a Pinterest board, this board is a visual representation of my journey of faith. There are pins specific to my posts and other pins I find encouraging. 

Confusion

Last night I didn't sleep much again, I hope this isn't turning into a trend, plagued by dreams of the one I love. Ordinarily dreams of him would be comforting, reassuring, but last night the dreams I had were awful, even nightmarish. I woke up longing for his comfort and protection, but I was all alone. My heart ached and I prayed. All day I waited for that prayer to be answered, but if there was an answer given I missed it. Tonight, I'm sad, filled with an intense longing and questioning how I should be feeling.

Love is unconditional: it believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things (1 Corinthians 13). I believe this, I practice this, and yet I'm questioning if I'm doing what I'm suppose to or just being stubborn. Today I am wondering if I'm being a stubborn child refusing to accept the Father's "No." If I am refusing to accept God's plans then I am delaying fulfillment, I am delaying God's blessings, and putting off the inevitable, which only brings pain. I don't want to be stubborn, but I can't escape the reality of unconditional love. I am reminded of the Prodigal Son. His father probably prayed every day for his son's return and everyday without an answer probably felt like God was saying, "No!" I don't know how the father took the waiting, I don't know if he ever gave up, but I know there was so much joy in the return. 

The father had to wait for the prodigal son, he didn't know if or when his son would come back, and yet it seems he was there waiting. Tonight I don't know if that is what I am suppose to do. Do I wait or do I let go? I do both. I pray and I patiently wait for an answer, for restoration, for the next step. I pray and turn it all over to God. He has the control, not me, and let's be honest He is way more qualified. It is ok to not have the answers. God does.

When you're in a place of confusion and you don't know what to do, do nothing. Well not nothing. Pray. Pray, giving it all to God, and wait for His solution, His wisdom, or whatever else it is you need. God knows exactly what you need and how to answer your need according to His plan. Confusion is part of being human so just pray, let go, and wait. It's in God's hands.

Frustration Part 2

Last night I was consumed with frustration. All night long and well into the morning, my dog thought it necessary to scratch at my bedroom door. She wanted out and then in. Over and over again while I was trying to sleep. It is difficult to not take it personally when you are tired and she is personally keeping you from sleeping. The victory of yesterday is now a distant memory.

The truth is sometimes we need to have help to not be frustrated. The help we need can come from ourselves. Frustration and irritability, not the righteous frustration, are caused by 3 things: stress, drained resources, and taking things personally. Stress can be limited or even prevented, but you need to be proactive. Stay organized, add margins to your day, and recognize when you need a break. Taking breaks is important because when our resources are drained we don't have anything left to give, either for ourselves or for others. Replenish resources through enough sleep, eating right, and taking breaks. Finally, don't take other people's behaviors personally. 

Frustration

I have been struggling with frustration. I have attributed my irritability to stress and yet taking measures to prevent stress had no affect. The frustration and irritability, particularly how I was responding to people, was leaving a bitterness at the end of the day and pain in my heart. I was reminded of the day when I refused to forgive and the anger ate at my heart. Last night I prayed  about this, I felt God telling me frustration was a choice and we didn't have to respond to other people with irritability.

Today I did the same thing I did back in September: no matter what happened I wasn't going to be upset or act out my frustration. And just like before there were things that would upset me, but today I didn't let it bother me. The things that weren't personal I didn't take personally. I gave myself the opportunity to breathe before responding. It changed my entire day and where I would have been frustrated before, I was now happy and content. Remember we can only control our own actions.

Gratitude

We are quick to pray when something goes wrong, quick to be angry or upset by unfair circumstances, and quick to criticize when life doesn't happen the way we wanted. But are we equally quick to pray when things go right, quick to give praise, and quick to acknowledge God's plan is best? In life, we will have sorrows and joy and we should pray often in both circumstances, with a joyful heart. I have been bad about this. I have a tendency to pray quickly when I need something, but delay giving thanks. It isn't intentional, but nevertheless I should be mindful of my gratitude. 

Tonight I have so much to be grateful for, in addition to the blessings God has already given me. I am grateful for a friend's encouragement and faith in my abilities. His encouragement led me to order the part and fix my computer by myself. It worked. I am grateful for a perfect score in the first class I have taken towards my graduate certificate in child life. I am grateful I was able to pay off another student loan. There are now only 3 left (there were originally 5). I am so very grateful for God's blessings.

I realize to non-believers my gratitude seems to be attributed to my own abilities rather than God's blessings. Yet, all of my abilities are directly from God and His influence in my life. God is more than willing to bless us, but sometimes He requires us to use our gifts to fulfill His blessings in our life. I didn't just get an A in my class. I worked every  week to stay on top of my assigned reading, attend class, and finish my assignments on time. I used God's gifts and worked hard to do well in my class. This is equally true when it comes to paying off another student loan. I used money saving principles taught to me by God to save money, budget, and establish a repayment plan that worked for me. God blessed me with few expenses and a good job that has made repayment easier.

Be grateful for all you have, pray often, and don't assume God will do it all, He desires your participation in life.

God's Not Dead

Tonight, I watched God's Not Dead and was inspired by the following conversation from the movie:

Mark: You prayed and believed your whole life. Never done anything wrong. And here you are. You're the nicest person I know. I am the meanest. You have dementia. My life is perfect.. Explain that to me!

Mina & Mark's Mom: Sometimes the devil allows people to live a life free from trouble because he doesn't want them turning to God. Their sin is like a jail cell, except it is all nice and comfy and there doesn't seem to be any reason to leave. The door's wide open. Til one day, time runs out, and the cell door slams shut, and suddenly it's too late.

I have noticed that this seems to be a common struggle across believers and non-believers. There is this desire to explain why good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people. We want an explanation beyond free choice, evil or random occurrences of life events. We want meaning. If we are going to struggle, to face loss, while another person who is mean or even evil doesn't, we want to know why and we want the reason to be meaningful.

Yes, all of this is a part of God's plan, but there is still this desire to know why. As if we believe there was another way and God chose to have us suffer for no reason. This is why I love the mother's response in God's Not Dead. She could have talked about struggle and hardship as valuable to our relationship to God and others, but instead she flipped the tables and showed the other side. To not struggle, we become content in our lives, and miss the fact we are in a prison of our own making. When you look at it that way, who would you rather be?

Now I won't pretend to have all of the answers because I don't, I don't understand why God takes people

before they have lived a full life or why some people seem to attract hardship like a magnet, but I do know that each moment is a puzzle piece working together with all of the other moments to form God's perfect plan. To see the finished puzzle now would be divine, but if I can't, it doesn't change the fact "God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good."

He Has Risen

He Has Risen! Today, is Easter Sunday, and Jesus has risen from the dead. For Christians this is a day of celebration and joy. Jesus makes six appearances today. First, He appears to Mary Magdalene, who has come to see Him at His tomb, and gives her a message for His disciples. She goes on to give the message to His disciples while Jesus stays behind. Jesus then appears to the other women, who have come to the tomb intending to complete the burial preparation of His body (yesterday being the Sabbath, they were unable to finish it). Third, Jesus appears to two of His disciples on the Road to Emmaus. These disciples rush on to tell the other disciples. Then Jesus appears to Simon Peter, although this is not recorded, but only alluded to in Luke 24:33 and 1 Corinthians 1:5. Finally, Jesus appears to His astonished disciples, but Thomas is absent. The disciples are overjoyed and share the news of Jesus' resurrection with Thomas, but he doesn't believe. 

Jesus could have left Thomas in his doubt, but instead He appeared to Thomas and showed him the wounds in His hands, His feet, and the piecing in His side. Thomas no longer doubted. Jesus, having risen from the dead, continued to show love and grace to His disciples. Having shown Himself to His disciples, Jesus ascends into the Heavens and is restored to His place of glory. Jesus' love and grace didn't end with His compassion for Thomas, but continues today for all people. Jesus is waiting for you to answer the door of your heart, He is knocking even now, will you answer?

Death and Longing

Following Jesus on His journey during the last week of His life has been incredibly interesting. I already knew what had happened and could probably have even provided a fairly accurate description of each day, but researching His last week has made me feel I was on this journey with Him. I know what has happened since His death, but as I took this journey I experienced real emotions of sadness. Here, this man who had only loved and served others, was condemned, persecuted, and crucified. If anyone didn't deserve death, it was Jesus, yet it was Him that was nailed to that cross. There is this undeniable feeling that what happened on the cross was unfair, both in past and in current circumstances, but Jesus didn't care. He allowed Himself to be denied, to be nailed to a cross, and to die on a cross for us, all of us. Incredible sacrifice and love is being shown for us in this moment.

If I had been there with Jesus, if I had been one of His disciples, I would have been so grieved today. I would have known what Jesus said, but I would not have anticipated His resurrection. It isn't that I wouldn't have believed everything Jesus had said, just that I wouldn't have been able to comprehend based on my understanding of life. For in life, things that are living die, and the things that die do not live again. Yet, Jesus raised Lazarus from his death during His ministry and showed that with God, anything was possible. So perhaps, having seen Jesus raise Lazarus from the dead, I would have believed Jesus could rise from the dead too. Whether I believed or not, I know I would have experienced intense sadness waiting for Jesus and a longing for Him to return.

The Trials of Jesus Christ

Yesterday, Jesus was betrayed, arrested, and abandoned by His friends, even Peter, who promised to stay with Him always. Today, He will face six trials and ultimately be persecuted by the very same people who celebrated His arrival on Sunday.

The first trial is before Annas and happens in the night time hours (early morning). Annas is looking for an accusation, ultimately biding time until Sanhedrin is gathered at High Priestly villa. The second trial, the primary trial, is before Sanhedrin and Jesus is condemned, misused. The third trial happened immediately at dawn. Peter denies Jesus a third time, Jesus looks upon him, and the rooster crows 3 times. The condemnation is repeated and Jesus is taken to the Romans. The fourth trial is before Pilate, but finding Jesus without fault, he sends him to Herod to be dealt with. The fifth trial is before Herod, who sends Jesus back to Pilate. The sixth and final trial is before Pilate. Pilate's wife is plagued by a dream about Jesus and tells Pilate not to have involvement in His death. Jesus is scourged. Pilate gives the people an option and a way out, thinking the people are just jealous of Jesus. Pilate offers the people Barabbas, a convicted murder, or Jesus to be released as part of their celebration. The crowd cries out, "Crucify Him or we will tell Rome!" Pilate is unable to reason with the people and fears a riot. Jesus is turned over to the Roman soldiers to be crucified. The Roman soldiers mocked Jesus, making Him a crown of thorns. Meanwhile, plagued with guilt, Judas hangs himself.

The time has come. Jesus bears His cross to the gate on the north of the city and is crucified around 9 am. Nailed to the cross, Jesus is mocked again and again. The people cry out to Jesus, asking Him, "Where is your God to save you?" This might be hard to imagine, but Jesus was on the cross by choice and as the people mocked Him, He could have chosen to leave then, to not provide salvation through His death. Instead He prayed, "Father, forgive them. They do not know what they have done." On either side of Jesus were prisoners, one joined the crowd mocking Jesus and the other recognized Jesus for what He was, to this prisoner Jesus said, "Today, you will be with me in paradise." Mary, Jesus' mother is there, and it must have been awful watching her son hang on that cross, not truly understanding why He was there. Jesus sees His mother, recognizes her pain, and tells her, "Woman, behold thy son...", giving her a new son in the form of His disciple.

Darkness falls, even though it is noon, and remains until 3 pm. God's back is turned on His son as the sin of the people is cast on Him upon the cross. Jesus cries out, "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?" The people continue to mock Him, challenging His God to save Him, and wait to see what will happen. Jesus speaks again, "I thirst," and someone offers him a sponge soaked in vinegar. Then it is time and Jesus gives up His spirit, "It is finished." Around 3 pm, after Jesus gives up His spirit, the veil of the temple is torn. The people can now have free access to God and they no longer have to rely on the priests. Some graves are opened and the people rise (to mortality) and go into the city. As the evening goes on, the soldiers become impatient waiting for the prisoners to die. The soldiers pierce Jesus' side, but He was already dead. The Passover lambs are slain in the temple and Jesus is buried at sundown.

Now, Jesus was dead, but the Pharisees still feared Him and convinced Pilate to have guards in front of His tomb, lest His disciples were to steal His body in the middle of the night. This request is funny to me because His disciples were distraught at Jesus' death and were not likely to think of, let alone execute, a body snatch. The tomb of Jesus is sealed and the people continue on to their homes. For many this is the end, but we have the benefit of knowing Jesus' death on the cross isn't the end.

The Last Supper

On day 5, Jesus sent Peter and John to make preparation for the Passover meal. Jesus gave the disciples very specific instructions, "Go into the city to a certain man and tell him, 'Teacher says: My appointed time is near. I am going to celebrate the Passover with my disciples at your house,'" (Matthew 26: 18). Peter and John went into the city and prepared the Passover. At evening, while Jesus was reclining at the table and the disciples were eating, Jesus told His disciples that one of them would betray Him. Of course, the disciples were surprised and saddened, each wanting to know if it was them. Jesus replied to their questioning, "The one who has dipped his hand into the bowl with me will betray me. The Son of Man will go just as it is written about him. But woe to that man who betrays the Son of Man! It would be better for him if he had not been born," (Matthew 26: 23-24). Judas, the one who would betray Jesus, then said, "Surely, you don't mean me, Rabbi?" (Matthew 26: 25). Jesus said it was him, who would betray him. There is clear acknowledgment that Jesus knows exactly who will betray him, although this is missed by the other disciples. 

After Jesus tells Judas that he will betray Him, he takes the bread and giving thanks, breaks it into pieces, one for each of His disciples. He tells them to eat the bread for it represents His body. He then takes a cup, gives thanks, and gives the cup to them, saying, "Drink from it, all  of you. This my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins. I tell you, I will not drink from this fruit of the vine from now until that day when I drink it new with you in my Father's kingdom," (Matthew 26: 27-29). Jesus continues to teach His disciples as He then washes their feet. Washing their feet showed them a huge honor and showed the nature of serving that Jesus wanted them to have in their lives. After Jesus washed their feet and the disciples ate, Judas left to finish his betrayal of Jesus.

In the Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus experienced agony and desired the disciples would keep watch and pray with Him. He knew what was about to happen, He desired the cup be taken from His lips, but knew He would do the will of the Father anyways. His heart was in agony, He called out to the Father, but His disciples fell asleep. His disciples missed the intensity of His agony and only the angels were there to comfort Him. Jesus rebuked them, but they fell asleep again, not realizing the preciousness of the moment they were in. In the Garden of Gethsemane, Judas came with Sanhedrin and soldiers, and with a kiss Judas betrayed Jesus. Jesus was arrested and His disciples fled Him, even Peter. Jesus is taken to the house of the High Priest as Sanhedrin is convened. All sorts of false allegations are brought forth against Jesus. Peter, who followed Jesus, betrays Jesus 3 times as he waits outside the house of the High Priest. 

If this were the end, day 5 would seem bleak. Jesus was arrested, His disciples had abandoned Him, and He was facing a trial that would end in His death. I imagine the sadness He must have felt, having watched His friends, the people He loved, abandon Him during His time of need. I have faced the betrayal, the abandonment, of people I loved and trusted. The pain is gut wrenching and the people who would have comforted you are gone. Fortunately, this is not wear Jesus' life ends. 

Silent Day

Today is day four, but no record of today was made in the Gospels. However, much activity would have been happening as Jesus was preparing for the Last Supper. Judas and Sanhedrin were also busy preparing for Jesus' arrest. Jesus remains in Bethany and stays the night there again. 

I understand the need for quiet days, when nothing seems to be happening, but I know that even on this silent day Jesus was busy. Tomorrow, Jesus will be arrested and I think that knowledge must have weighed heavily upon Him. This man, who He had invited along this journey with Him, was going to betray Him and hand him over to be killed. I imagine a tension in the air as both Jesus and Judas knew what was about to happen. I wonder if the other disciples noticed, if they made a comment to one another, or if they continued on with their lives, not recognizing the intensity of the moment.