Motives

Yesterday was hard and did not prepare me for what happened today. Today I hadn't decided on the unpleasantness from yesterday when it was decided for me. I knew what I needed to do and yet knowing doesn't prepare your heart. Yesterday I had made a bold decision to make things right and had felt confident as the plan unfolded. Unfortunately, the situation wasn't resolved when it needed to be. All day I prayed, asking for circumstances to be skewed in my favor, but I never expected what happened. 

The unpleasantness was transformed into awkwardness, circumstances shifted in my favor, and there was an evident need to make things right. My motives started out pure. My desire for resolution was based on the needs of a friend and no longer wishing to put him in the middle. I did my best to put aside my own desires. In the moment of establishing resolution my motive were pure. Unfortunately the moment didn't end there.

How can you propose friendship when every time you look at him you see the one you want to spend the rest of your life with? Motives quickly change when boundaries are blurred. It was have been different if resolution had been reached. I would have gone home. Instead I stayed, I waited for resolution to be reached, and allowed my heart to let its guard down. I allowed myself to fully feel the feelings I was feeling. Feelings I repressed for the last 2 months, since the last moment I tried for resolution.

Unfortunately, when you lose sight of your motives and start to play "chicken", someone always gets hurt. The best actions can be done with wrong motives and the worst with right motives. The truth is motives matter and God looks to your heart to see your motives. When your motives become muddled, you make poor choices, and you have to live with the consequences, which in this case is resolution postponed, the end of a friendship.