Walking Forward In Faith

Today I had coffee with God and I am looking forward to all that He has to teach me. The result of today is a deeper understanding, a deeper desire, to read and to understand scripture. On Pinterest, I found this reading plan from the Bible app as well as the SOAP method of Bible study (I pinned both to my Journey of Faith board), which I intend to apply. Flipping through the reading plans available, I was drawn to the plan When God Says No and decided I would incorporate this plan into my next few days (it's a 3-day study). 

Walking Forward in Faith

Scripture: "Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." 

-Romans 5:3-5

Observation: Suffering is necessary. It is through suffering that we are taught to persevere and perseverance leads to the development of our character, which allows us to hope. God has given us the Holy Spirit that His love would be poured out on us and our hope would not be put to shame.

Application: Right now God is telling me "No" or at least "Not yet" (from experience they feel the same and only time shows the difference). His answer has put me on a known, but dreaded path. I am familiar with this journey, but I resent the suffering that comes with it. I think God wants me to know that suffering is necessary to achieve the hope He wants in my life and that hope won't be put to shame.

Prayer: Dear God, I am thankful that my hope won't be put to shame. I am afraid. I don't want you to say "no" to restoration, but I can't escape the feeling that You are. I find myself back on this well-trodden path of heartache and I frantically look for an exit, but there is no escape. I am lost and I don't want to stay on this path. Please direct me that I would know my next step. Strengthen me that I would persevere and that my character would grow. That hope wouldn't be lost. In Your loving name, Amen

Love

I don't really know where to begin today. There is longing in my heart and I don't know if I am being told to hold on or to let go. Both of God Wants You To Know messages were about love so a part of me believes that today's lesson is about love. The first message was:

"a successful relationship requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. Always with the same person, but deeper and deeper every time. Each time on a whole new level you together open in love and discover the truth of your beloved anew. There is no limit to the beauty of your beloved. If you think you've reached the end, stop generalizing."

The second message was, "what we need is love without effort. Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary. Real love is simple, everyday kind of thing. A smile, a hug, an encouragement. Continuous love without effort." I don't know what it means to my life or to today, but I can't escape the feeling that God wants me to learn something about love. So I've taken note of these messages and I've decided I'll just ask God tomorrow, during our scheduled time together, when we won't be interrupted. 

Blessing In Sickness

Motives have been weighed a lot these last couple of weeks. Today, I woke up upset and realized I was upset because someone else's motives were questionable. I realized they were trying to put me in a bad position and I said no, not because I recognized their motives, but because I happened to be physically ill. Today, feeling better, I finally saw motives and became upset. There wasn't a quarrel, I didn't say a word, but I'm not going to be a pawn in someone else's game, especially when it means someone gets hurt.

Admittedly, I am frustrated and disappointed. I had prayed for this person and even last night I prayed again, this time that somehow their motives weren't wrong and I just didn't understand. Today I understand. His intentions no longer matter and I don't want an explanation. His motives, whatever they are, are wrong and would have led to someone getting hurt (emotionally, not physically) if I had allowed him to use me. I am reminded of Proverbs: if I hadn't watched my feet I would have been led into a trap. No, if God hadn't allowed me to be sick, I would have been led into a trap. 

Coffee With God

Desire has been on the forefront of my mind. The feelings in my heart are winning over the logical thoughts in my brain. I know I shouldn't, I know I should just let go, but I can't. There is nothing sinful about my desire (restoration to the one I love), but the reality is that it isn't a reality and I'm not sure it ever will be. I know and yet I hang on because love endures all. I don't know any other way. I don't know if I should take this as a sign or not, but today's God Wants You To Know was, "If you desire something, offer something. Offerings can come in many forms: a gift, a prayer, a smile, flowers, food. Offer something from your heart." 

Honestly, I didn't know what to think because it felt a bit like a bribe. Biblically, people would offer sacrifices, burnt offerings, or grain offerings that God would bless their lives or to pray specifically for something. Logically an offering made sense, but it still felt like I was trying to bribe God. I prayed anyways. I prayed and said, "God, I want to make You happy. If I offer you anything I want it to be pleasing. What would make You happy?" My prayer was less about an offering for a desire and more an offering as a thanks to God for all that He has done in my life. As I finished my prayer, placed upon my heart was the thought, "time with you," and so I have made a commitment to schedule time with God without any distractions. I literally scheduled God into my weekly planner with the note Coffee with God. What I was offering was not a bribe, but a commitment to improving my exiting relationship with God. 

This commitment of time with God without distractions felt so promising in my heart that I actually scheduled two days in my week to have coffee with God. I plan on documenting my coffee dates with God that I would be able to reflect on all that I have learned from Him. If you have experienced a period of staleness in your life, when it seems that nothing is happening (good or bad), and you desire so much then I suggest you start scheduling God into your life. I will admit that this sounds a little strange, after all God is always with us, but there is a difference when you actively commit to spending time with Him and are purposeful about removing distractions. A few months ago I talked about how I stay focused on God by praying throughout the day along with scripture reading etc., but there is always the possibility of that time being interrupted with distractions. Scheduling time with God means that you are removing the distractions from your presence and telling God, "I'm here with you. No distractions, just You and me."

Relax, God Will Show You The Way

I am reminded again of my desire to pray for something that the Holy Spirit stops me from praying. The desire is close to my heart, but far from my lips. I have prayed every way, asking for answers to questions, indications, anything that would provide me information about my desire and for the most part it seems those prayers have gone unanswered. I'm not mad, there is a part of me that knows I shouldn't be asking (in any way), and I should just trust God to provide for my desire according to His plan. Yet, He knows my restlessness because this mornings' God Wants You To Know was, "If you relax, it comes. Don't seek, don't search, don't ask, don't knock, don't demand - relax. If you relax, it is there. If you relax, God shows you the way." Message received God.

I did my best to relax today, to not think about my desire, and to just be, but it was a struggle. I like to think and to plan, but I have to give up control because I can't plan this. Once again, I decided to shift my prayer energy to something else, this time to another's needs, but I still am waiting to see the answers to those prayers. 

The Fruit Of The Spirit

Today has been marked by anger and frustration. Anger is creeping up over every area of my life and threatening to seize my heart. I am angry over my circumstances, over the seemingly impossible, and at myself. I am angry that I was unable to have success in the one area that I most wanted to have success in. I am angry, yet it doesn't matter. If my life were a tree, the anger would be thorns, and I find myself needing to prune so the fruit will grow. The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, long-suffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23). 

I have allowed long-suffering to eat at my heart, leaving room for anger and bitterness to grow, forgetting about nurturing the other fruits on my tree. If I don't stop the "rot" then my tree will die, along with all of my fruit. God wants us to be good gardeners of the Spirit, nurturing it, that our fruit would continue to grow. We can ignore the damage or we can go to God so that He can fix it. Tonight, I am acknowledging the damage done and trusting God to fix it so that my fruit can blossom once again. 

Simple and Complicated

Another quote that stood out to me from David Levithan's Every Day is "It is as simple as that. Simple and complicated, as most true things are." When I first read this quote I thought of love. For me, it's simple: I know how my heart feels about this person and yet it's complicated because I'm not able to be with that person. The reasons why don't matter when they're outside of your control. The reasons others give are unimportant when your heart is full of love for someone. Simple and complicated. Yet, God has made it easy for us.

With God it is simple: Come to Him when you are weary and He will give you rest; He is the way, the truth, and the life; He works it all out for the good of those who love Him; and love one another as God has loved you. Tonight, I am weary of the struggle so I go to Him and find rest. I am lost and confused so I go to Him to find the way and experience truth. Tonight, I might be struggling and my eyes might be full of tears, but I find peace, I find comfort, knowing God is working it out for me. It doesn't matter my fear, my anger, my hurt, or my jealousy, I am called to love anyway just as God loves me. 

God Isn't A Genie

"We all want everything to be ok. We don't even wish so much for fantastic or marvelous or outstanding. We will happily settle for okay, because most of the time, okay is enough." -David Levithan (Every Day)

This quote has become the backdrop of today. By all regards I am okay. I have a house, I have food, I have clothes, I have a job, I have family, and I have friends. On all accounts I am okay and yet today it isn't enough. Today I need more. My needs were provided for and yet my heart is unhappy. At the center of being okay is this deep sadness that comes from unmet desire. Desire being the longing for the one I love and restoration that seems more and more like an impossibility. 

Yet, even now, I can't deny I'm not okay. I want to pray for the marvelous, but I don't because God isn't a genie that grants wishes. Sometimes you just need to have faith that God is able and even if He doesn't that it doesn't change who He is (Daniel 3:17-18). Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego thrown into the fiery furnace did not ask God for a miracle. Instead they boldly claim God's ability to rescue them, that He would rescue them, but that if He didn't they still wouldn't worship the gold image. These men were so confident in God's ability and they trusted Him so completely that they didn't need to ask God to spare them.

God tells us to pray for what we need, but constantly asking for a miracle or for the marvelous might indicate a lack of faith. Tonight I am keenly aware that I might be asking too much. Often I have prayed the same prayer, not sure of how it will be answered, and lately not sure it will be answered. Waiting has tested my faith and I have clung to prayer as the means of achieving the end. Yet God has heard me, even before the words were on my tongue, and He knows the desires of my heart. I do not need to pray endlessly about it. Prayer has become my crutch and when I don't see an answer I believe I haven't prayed right. I'm beginning to think my faith is lacking. Tonight, I prayed to be like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. That I would trust God so completely that I wouldn't have to ask and that my confidence lied in His abilities only. 

True Motives

Motives are interesting. Today, reflecting on this past weekend and week, I realized 3 areas where my motives were unpure. At the time I acted and did what I intended to do, without giving my motives much thought, but looking back and talking about it I realized my true motives. My true motives were wrong and selfish. Today I had repenting to do and needed to take a long look at what I had allowed circumstances to shape me into. I am not proud of my actions or my motives. I have let hurt shape my actions more than I have let love shape my heart. 

I looked at myself today and I didn't see me. I don't do the things I have done and yet somehow I had convinced myself it was ok, even justified. Recent months of hurt, of heartache, of confusion, and of frustration have begun to corrupt my heart. I don't like who I am becoming and this is not how I want to obtain my heart's desires. Self-reflection has proved valuable today. 

Expectations Not Met

If there was one thing about today it was that expectations weren't met. This morning I was as prepared as I could be to face my circumstances and the consequences that came with them. And honestly, I was doing pretty well, my nerves kept themselves in check. I prayed, but I didn't pray for my circumstances to change just that I would be ok. Then an unexpected thing happened, the unpleasantness never happened. There wasn't a need to brace myself or pretend I was ok when I wasn't. I can't quite explain why this happened, but I guess my willingness to step out in faith was enough.

I was able to enjoy the activities I wanted to repeat from last year, the activities I didn't know how to replicate, and I didn't have to do it alone. I am grateful and yet tonight I feel drained. Tonight my heart is heavy and my mind is on the circumstances outside of my control. The months of prayers haven't alleviated these feelings and it is hard to imagine an end. I pray God's will be done. 

Step Out In Faith

There were consequences and there still are, circumstances are no longer in my favor, and I am not prepared. Today has been confusing, trying to understand why circumstances have changed, and trying to think of how I am going to deal with tomorrow. Tomorrow I will face the unpleasantness from earlier this week. What I have learned is that God might grant us a reprieve, but there will come a time when we have to deal with it. Looking back I regret asking God to change the circumstances because it only postponed the inevitable. A few hours of discomfort, with easy escape, are replaced with a day and no chance for escape. It is evident that it isn't wise to try to avoid something.

That said, even this is a part of God's plan, and as He writes my story I need to step out in faith, trusting He is there. There are those that say I don't have to deal with this, even that I shouldn't, and none that understand why I have to. I don't even understand why I have to do this, but I do. Tomorrow will be a test of everything I have and though I am scared, I have to go. I have to confront my fear and face reality. Tomorrow serves some purpose larger than me. I can't see it and I can't imagine the outcome, but I know it is there.

Faith is believing in God. Knowing that He is ABLE and GOING to do all that He said He would. I might not know His plan for tomorrow, but I do know that He said He is working it out fro my good and that means He is going to, even if isn't the way I imagined. God told Abraham, Moses, and Noah to trust Him and act in faith. They didn't fail Him, their stories were written, and are still told today. God is asking me to trust Him now too and I won't fail Him.

I don't know what you're being called to do, what you're afraid of, or even God's plan for your life, but I do know He is asking you to trust Him and step out in faith. He will be there to catch you if you should fall or to lift you on wings of eagles and let you soar. 

Facing The Consequences

I hope this morning was not an answer to my prayer for reassurance because it reflected the opposite of my desire. This morning reflected reality and not the change I had been hoping for. Understandably, this upset me and was in the back of my mind this whole day. Sometimes I think God answers our prayers in ways that give insight into painful truths we have to face. News isn't as bad if you are warned of it first. 

I wanted to be angry, I wanted to say,"That isn't what I asked for," but instead I waited and allowed God the opportunity to explain His answer. I'm not sure I received an explanation, but I did get this overwhelming feeling that things had changed because of my mistake earlier this week. I started to pray, I wanted to ask for different circumstances, but I couldn't do it. I knew that I had made a mistake and I deserved the consequences, but that didn't stop my heart from breaking. I didn't want to pay the consequences, though I deserved them. 

Reassurance

Yesterday my confession resulted in validation and hope. Today marked the beginning. Today I thought a conversation would happen and I would receive a message. I imagined that message and looked forward to it all day. Then a black cloud of realization came over me when I realized that a conversation between friends is not the same as confirmation. I hadn't realized how much I had believed and hoped for that message until I realized it wasn't coming.

I tried to imagine it as a delay and to hope for it in the next few days, but in my heart I knew it wasn't coming. My heart was heavy and I just wanted to promise of restoration. There are moments in life when you want something so badly, but the obtainment is completely out of your control. In these moments I pray. I pray for strength, for wisdom, and for courage. Tonight I also prayed for reassurance. I don't know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future and for now that is enough. 

Confession

The mistakes of yesterday turn into the consequences of today. Yesterday I made things worse when I tried to make it better. Motives are of little solace when the results are a mess. I think consequences would be easier to deal with if you didn't know they affected other people. The truth is our actions affect other people, good or bad our consequences affect them too. I am reminded of the two part confession: first confess to God and second confess to one another.

I don't know if what happened is a sin, but it definitely was a mistake that made a mess. Yesterday I confessed to God, though He watched me in my stupidity, and prayed for understanding. Today I had to confess my mistake to my friend. I had to admit my stupidity, my mess, and his continued presence in the middle. Within that moment there was the desire to tell him and also to not say a word, but personal responsibility means admitting your mistakes, especially when they affect other people.

I confessed and over the next few hours we talked. Tonight our friendship grew and I was able to find comfort in his perspective. He seemed confident in his assessment and I didn't have to hid how I was feeling. It was nice to be honest and to not feel judged. Confession doesn't have to be a disaster or a burden. Instead it can be the release of shame and the opportunity for peace. 

Motives

Yesterday was hard and did not prepare me for what happened today. Today I hadn't decided on the unpleasantness from yesterday when it was decided for me. I knew what I needed to do and yet knowing doesn't prepare your heart. Yesterday I had made a bold decision to make things right and had felt confident as the plan unfolded. Unfortunately, the situation wasn't resolved when it needed to be. All day I prayed, asking for circumstances to be skewed in my favor, but I never expected what happened. 

The unpleasantness was transformed into awkwardness, circumstances shifted in my favor, and there was an evident need to make things right. My motives started out pure. My desire for resolution was based on the needs of a friend and no longer wishing to put him in the middle. I did my best to put aside my own desires. In the moment of establishing resolution my motive were pure. Unfortunately the moment didn't end there.

How can you propose friendship when every time you look at him you see the one you want to spend the rest of your life with? Motives quickly change when boundaries are blurred. It was have been different if resolution had been reached. I would have gone home. Instead I stayed, I waited for resolution to be reached, and allowed my heart to let its guard down. I allowed myself to fully feel the feelings I was feeling. Feelings I repressed for the last 2 months, since the last moment I tried for resolution.

Unfortunately, when you lose sight of your motives and start to play "chicken", someone always gets hurt. The best actions can be done with wrong motives and the worst with right motives. The truth is motives matter and God looks to your heart to see your motives. When your motives become muddled, you make poor choices, and you have to live with the consequences, which in this case is resolution postponed, the end of a friendship. 

God Is Listening

Today has been hard on my from almost the moment I woke up. Our new schedule at work started today and it was chaos. My first client seemed to enjoy making a mess just to make a mess and it was clear I was expected to clean it up, rather than the child or the parents of the child, who were also there. Needless to say that as the morning wore on so did my headache. The afternoon wasn't any better and by the time I came home I wanted to curl up into a ball. Then when I began to feel better I was confronted with unpleasant news. I felt kidney punched and unable to breathe. 

I just sat there crying and praying, "I'm not ready. I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm not ready." Over and over again for about half an hour. Then I dried my tears and stopped. An unexpected thing happened and I felt better. Not perfectly whole, but noticeably better. Nothing had changed and yet I was able to have a moment of peace in the chaos. Sometimes I don't feel ready or strong enough, I don't know the words to pray, but I know God is listening and working it out for me. 

Overlooking An Offense

About a week ago, I was reflecting on the end of the Proverbs challenge and the message that I needed to be less quarrelsome. Today, while talking to a friend, I had the opportunity to overlook an offense. Yesterday, my friend and I had talked about seeing each other this week (he is only in town for a little while) and for my part I thought it was decided that we had plans. Anyways, today he sent me a message that, in short, asked if I had any intentions of seeing him this week. My feelings were hurt and I was confused because I never gave him any indication otherwise. I started to respond, upset, but I stopped myself and instead asked when he was available. 

I'm glad I did because it turns out he was feeling insecure about people not wanting to see him. Overlooking the offense prevented a fight and gave me the opportunity to be supportive of my friend. Being patient, at least long enough to understand, meant not having to try to take back what couldn't be unsaid. Be patient, slow to anger, and quick to overlook an offense. 

A Heart Of Service

Life is filled with millions of little moments when the people around us are "calling out" for us to help them, to comfort them, and to celebrate them. If you focus on the cost to you, then you can quickly be defeated, burned out, and unable to give more. In a single day there can be so much need for help that if you aren't careful you can become bitter. There are even times when helping someone even seems bad. The truth is giving your time, your energy, and your resources to other people is demanding and draining. But we are called to do it anyways. Jesus is our example in this. In His lifetime, a short 33 years, He helped thousands of people and not once did He tell someone He couldn't help them. He healed the sick and the possessed, He fed the poor, and He raised the dead. He did all of this while also teaching the people about God and how to live their lives. I know it isn't easy, but when we feel discouraged we need to look to Jesus and let Him be our example. Allow helping others to be a service to God and not just to man. Allow your heart to be a heart of service. 

Embracing Change

Today marked the last day of the semester with my clients and the start of a new semester with new clients. Change has never been my favorite life experience and the unknown aspects of change still frighten me, but I am beginning to welcome and embrace change. Suddenly change seems promising and the concept of change brings hope rather than fear. My fears haven't left me, but I feel as if this journey has helped them evolve. Multiple changes are on the horizon and I am no longer paralyzed by fear. My focus is on God, knowing He has plans to prosper me and not to harm me (Jeremiah 29:11). This journey is putting things in perspective as my focus shifts from the short term destination to the final destination, the eternal one. From this perspective I see the need for lengthy periods of change to help me grow and become more like Christ. I know I have been given the strength to endure and that there is an end in sight. Life is a marathon and not a sprint; it requires training to finish. 

Fear and Uncertainty

I have made so much progress on this journey and yet daily I am reminded of how much more I need to learn and grown. This journey I have felt fear and uncertainty so many times. There is so much that I don't know and so many worst case scenarios that filter into my head as I go about my day. I am beginning to understand that fear is an emotion that isn't going to leave me anytime soon. At times I have felt bad that I was afraid (my trust in God should be greater) and thought I was failing God, but I have come to understand that fear is natural. This journey I have stopped trying to control my fears and instead have embraced them. I tell God honestly that I am afraid and ask for His help then I face my fears head on, knowing God is already there to face my fears with me. This journey I have stopped focusing on the unknowns and the worst case scenarios. I have gotten better at stopping the cycle of negative thoughts as soon as they begin so I don't dwell in a place of worry or fear. 

Victory In An Apple

A week ago I shared my victory over an apple, but continued to take precautions until I felt confident I wouldn't have a reaction, which meant frequent monitored exposures to apples. Over the last ten days I have eaten apples six of those days. I became confident that I no longer would have a reaction to apples and then yesterday I had a reaction. The reaction wasn't severe, but it definitely got my attention. At that moment I could have given up and decided the last four exposures were a fluke, but I didn't. Today, with faith, I ate an apple again and didn't have a reaction.

This reminded me of the negative reactions we have to life's stressors. As Christians, our hearts are supposed to be changed, we are to live righteous lives, and then life hits us: in one moment we forget and we react negatively. In this moment we can choose to let our reaction define us and admit defeat or we can get up, head held high, and try again. God wants our faith to be so strong that we would find the strength to try again, knowing that God is developing our hearts continuously. 

The Misstep

Life is a journey of many paths and though we believe we are on the right path, we sometimes misstep and stumble. A misstep doesn't mean the path we are on is bad, but rather that we took our eyes off of the road and made a mistake. This happens much the same way as when we are walking on a sidewalk and trip over a tree root or unevenness in the concrete. The sidewalk isn't bad; we simply lost sight of the path our feet was walking on. Sometimes we are so focused on the end of a path that we try to speed up to hurry and reach our destination. In our hurry, we forget to look critically at our path, and we stumble as we take a misstep.

A misstep is a stumble and not a fall. You can regain your focus, regain your calm, and restart on your path. Stumbling is not the end. Peter, in his path to Jesus, had to walk on water. He was doing it and then he misstep (by looking down in disbelief), which made him begin to sink, but he called out to Jesus. Jesus was there to help him back on his path with His arm outstretched to Peter. Peter's misstep was not the end of his journey, but rather an opportunity to grow and learn more about his destination: Jesus. Jesus could have become upset, He could have put Peter back on the boat and walked away, but He didn't because there was more to be learned from the misstep then if Peter had walked on water perfectly in faith. God could easily prevent us from stumbling, but He doesn't. He allows for the missteps and He allows for consequences because His desire is that we would learn and that we would grown in our faith. 

As we hurry towards our destinations, eager for the path to end, we need to stop and remember that sometimes the journey is more important than the destination. We will all get where we need to go, but we won't all learn what we need to know before we get there. Watch out for the missteps, do your best to stay on the path, but don't worry if you should stumble. Reach out and grab Jesus' outstretched hand, allow Him to pull you back on your path, and continue on your journey. Your path is not a track to be ran, but a journey to be enjoyed. 

Victory At A Baseball Game

I spent most of today at a baseball game. My team is possibly the worst team in baseball this season, but I still go out and support them because they are my team. Win or lose I will support them. Today they won and we celebrated that victory the same as if they had won the World Series. Now other fans might see it as only a game, not worth celebrating like a championship, but I have learned even small victories should be celebrated.

 If we only focus on the big picture, the "championship" victory in our mind, then we can believe we are losing when we are actually winning. We can decide to give up when victory is right around the corner. I know it is difficult when you have faced so many losses, but it is because of those losses that you should celebrate the little victories. I thought about this today as I felt defeated and realized I was turning a small victory into a loss because it wasn't the "championship" victory. Celebrating the small victory changed my focus and reminded me of this great truth: there are many games that have to be won to get to the championship. So celebrate each step knowing you're on your way to victory.

The Patient Swat Team

Today a swat team served a warrant down the street from my house. Ordinary police activity turned into a standoff, a scene straight from the news. At first I waited with bated breath, anticipating a dramatic scene, and was sucked into the excitement of it all. But soon I had waited long enough and wondered what was taking so long. I wanted the swat team to storm the house and end the standoff. I grew inpatient as I watched the officers wait patiently, employing other methods besides storming a house and risking violence. I stopped watching, I grew tired of waiting, and went about my life. Then I realized we often do this to God: we grow weary waiting, we desire Him to handle the "bad guy" now, and forget about the big picture. God, like the police officer, is patient because He doesn't want anyone left. God allows all of us time to repent and to return to Him because every life is valuable to Him, and not just those obeying the Law. We get so caught up in what needs to be done that we forget about the lives affected, we forget the bigger picture of love and forgiveness. 

Strength In Weakness

Today I had my own thoughts, worries, and concerns. There were issues weighing on my heart and I needed time to process them, but time alluded me. Today, it seemed, my day was about other people: their worries and their concerns. With each new issue, I could feel life energy being drained from me and I wanted to scream out, "Leave me alone!" I wanted to emphatically state they should solve their own problems and stop putting me in the middle. Of course, I didn't and people seek me out because they know I will be there to listen. I don't want to indicate being supportive is a bad thing, but it takes an effect on you. Tonight, I feel myself drained and with more than my own problems to deal with, to think about. I am reminded to lay it all at Jesus' feet and to just find rest, "Come to me all who are weary." We have permission to release our burdens and be weak for a moment. God's strength is made perfect in weakness. Yet even as I rest, I am thinking and boundaries continue to resonate. I might be hurting those I love by not letting them suffer their consequences, something to think about as I rest.

Rain

Have you ever wanted to pray for something so badly that you couldn't find the words? Or wanted something with all of your heart, but knew you couldn't ask for it? There are times in life when we want or need something, but to ask for it, to receive it the way we imagine might mean consequences for someone else. Our flesh (the sinful part) desires the obtainment without concern for consequences, but our heart (the part with the Holy Spirit) reminds us of the consequences, which might mean someone else has pain or heartache, and prevents us from asking for what we want. When our hearts our overwhelmed with the desire to pray for something, but we know we can't then we can feel unheard. Lately, I have felt unheard. That the prayers I couldn't bring myself to pray went unnoticed. Then my focus shifted and I began to pray for other things, specifically things outside of my control. I prayed for rain. It wasn't a test, but I needed to focus my prayer energy. Today it rained. Not a storm, but just enough for God to tell me He heard my prayer, that He never stopped listening. 

Asking For Help

Stress weighs heavy on my heart tonight. I have so many things that have to be done this week and am struggling to find time for it all. Added to that is physical pain and emotional frustration. It isn't that anything is going wrong, necessarily, but just this overwhelming feeling that nothing is going right either. Today my physical abilities and emotional resolves were tested and it left me exhausted. The point isn't to feel dejected, but to recognize that you can ask for help. In order to fully utilize help, you must first recognize your limitations and then be humble enough to admit that you need help. It isn't easy to be vulnerable, but it is worth it to obtain help. People are willing to help you, but you have to ask. If you don't feel like you have help or a support system, go to Jesus. He said to come to me all who are weary...and I will give you rest. Jesus will always help if you go to Him and humbly ask. 

Decision Making

In life we are faced with many decisions, some easy and some hard, but all that will affect our lives. Over the years I have read or heard many types of advice on how to make decisions: to listen to your heart, to ignore your heart, and to think practically or even to wait and do nothing. The truth is decisions aren't easy and making a choice can't come down to a single factor. My heart might desire a new job, but I can't let that be the reason I quit. I also need to consider how quitting my job might affect my finances or my ability to find a new job. Note this is just an example of a decision and not a decision I am considering.

I think God wants us to consider our decisions prayerfully, turning over everything to Him, and allowing Him time to speak to us about His plan. He also has provided us with people who have wisdom in different areas that we would be able to seek out advice from someone who has understanding. Victory is won through much advice and plans fail for lack of counsel.

Stress

Our lives are filled with stress: we worry about what we'll make to eat, we worry about our weight, we worry about appearances (both our own and that of our possessions), and we worry about what other people think. Then there is stress about our health, our job, our children, and our spouse. Any of us could fill a book with the stress we have in our lives. The stress consumes us, weighs upon our heart, and overwhelms us. There are things we can control and things we need to let go of; today's lesson is about both. Stress in your control includes meals, your weight, and the appearance of your possessions. Before anything else turn it ALL over to God and then begin to take control. Create a meal plan, an exercise plan, or commit to cleaning a set time each week. Create your plan and celebrate each victory. You will notice less stress and more enjoyment. As for stress outside of your control, learn to do what you can (i.e. standing up for yourself), and let go of the rest, allowing God to work it out for you. Giving up control is worth it. 

The Lessons of Proverbs

Yesterday was the end of the Proverbs 31 day challenge and I feel I have gained new insight into God's will, but before I talk about what I learned, I want to share a success with you: The last 10 years of my life have been marked by awful allergies, including food allergies. Besides the "normal" allergies, I have a condition known as Birch-Apple Syndrome, which is a fancy way of saying I am allergic to a protein in birch trees, apples, and a few other foods, including carrots, peaches, cranberries, and soy. Over the years my tolerance for the protein has decreased and my food allergies have grown. This year my allergies have been markedly less so I thought I might reintroduce one of the foods I am allergic to (apples). I developed a plan and this last month I have taken to sampling apple slices. I had a proactive and reactive response plan in place, in addition to praying for God's blessings on their experiment. Today was my fourth exposure to apples and before taking a single bite I prayed...and I didn't have a reaction to the apple, which I ate in its entirety! While I had success today, I don't want anyone to assume they will have success too.  Allergies are very serious and a severe reaction can happen at any time so consult your doctor before trying to reintroduce any food allergen back into your diet.

Now onto Proverbs. There were a few lessons that repeated throughout Proverbs, but the one lesson that resonated with me the most was to not be quarrelsome. The idea that patience leads us to overlook an offence and prevent a quarrel, as well as the images of a quarrelsome wife, stuck out to me. Each verse that reflected these ideas felt like God poking me, "Hey you! Listen to this. Take this to heart. Learn from it!" I don't mean to be, but I am a quarrelsome person. I forgive, but I rarely overlook an offense. The truth is when I am wronged I want justice, I want the person to realize their mistake, and I want them to make amends so I can forgive them and be reconciled. But this rarely happens. More often there is a fight and a missed opportunity to show love and be loved. I need to remember love is more important.